The relationship power conundrum

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Maybe it’s just me but I believe people think that the power in a relationship is with whoever loves less. How many of you agree with that statement by a show of hand?!

If you agree then a few things could be true. 1) you’ve been hurt and turned into an emotionally closed off person. 2) you are with the wrong person 3) you are too young to understand what a healthy relationship should feel like and/or 4) you don’t love yourself enough to love another person as they ought to be loved. Now I know that some of you are suffering from all four of these and for everybody else I want you to understand that this may still speak to some of your traits one time or another.

First, let’s get this out of the way, that statement is wrong. This is not what I think, this is what I know to be true. For those of you who don’t read the Bible I honestly almost feel sorry for you because the Bible gives us real examples of what pure love is; real love is the kind of love that comes from God. That is the love of which I speak. It looks like Abraham staying by his barren wife, It looks like Hosea staying by his harlot wife’s side, it looks like Jesus being crucified for the church. The very church that persecuted him to die. Now I’m not saying any of you should go around dying for people, I don’t approve or recommend that at all but all I’m saying is that emotional maturity and God’s guidance gives you true love.

No one will say to you that true love is easy but it’s not hard in the ways that we think. True love shouldn’t hurt all the time. Yes, you will need to stay by this person’s side and grow but when they tell you they love you, you should be able to believe it with all your heart and soul, there should be no doubts and if there are doubts then ask yourself why.

A lot of the time our gut feeling will tell us all there is to know because our souls know all because our souls are eternal and have been around for a long time so it knows and it is able to tell us a good thing from a bad thing. If someone you’re with is withholding affection to have the power in the relationship then friends listen to me if only this once, leave them. They want all the power right?! Then they’ll have even more power without you. Don’t play that game, that game where you’re always on the losing side because the other person is the one who makes all the rules and you find that everyday you’re playing a different sport and the odds are just never in your favor. You don’t have to live like that. Take some time out to love yourself and understand what that feels like, having unconditional love for yourself.That way, you will have a gauge for someone else loving you and when it doesn’t feel right, you’ll know before you get hurt. You don’t have to get hurt, you can choose a love that feels good more than it feels bad. The power is in all our hands. If someone doesn’t want to love you, you have the power to let them know that whatever they’re giving you simply isn’t good enough but more importantly, you have the power to walk away.

 

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I’ll meet you at the 🔝

“all those dreams of meeting at the top are just that…”

So when I’m bored and have run out of important things to do I scroll through people’s whatsapp statuses and I have come to find that some of those provide the best writing materials believe it or not. I have this darling friend who like me has had her fair share of tried and failed romantic encounters who had a very interesting status update. It was something about being so tired of loving and failing at love that she had decided she would conform to some other kind of love, the kind called “I’ll meet you at the top”. Funny thing about all this is that I had never before heard of such arrangements, that’s one and two friends, this could never work.

Don’t scowl at me I can see the appeal trust me I can but while you are there building yourself and he or she is building themselves some place else there is someone by his side just as there is someone by her side. Someone who is in her corner cheering her on no matter what. Someone who brings her coffee because he knows that she was up all night. Someone who was there when she failed and got up and went at it again. Someone who got down on his knees and prayed with her, someone who patiently waited when she told him she wasn’t in a space to date so instead of leaving to go work on himself, he stayed and worked on himself by her side, watching her and taking care of her as she needed to be taken care of.

Now let’s fast forward this to years later, there is the guy who stayed and grew with this girl let’s call him Richard and there is the other guy, let’s call him Kevin. In all honesty, who do you think she’ll end up with?! And let’s assume the guy had a similar situation on his end, do you think they stand a chance?! Let’s even sweeten this deal and say they tried I can tell you this right now it would t be to last. We humans are built a certain way, we are built to grow fond of the people who are by our side when we are at our lowest. I should know, I met my best friend when I was at my darkest time 7 years ago and she was the best thing that happened to me. I could do anything for her if she asked so you see, this dreams of meeting at the top are just that, dreams.

What is love?

“we fall in lust get attached then call it love, that doesn’t make it love.”

This is my two cents on the matter. What is love? Where does it come from? How do we get the right kind of love? I think True love comes from friendship, friendship, and communion.

com·mun·ion

kəˈmyo͞onyən/Submit

noun

1.

the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level.

Okay first can we agree on how beautiful that meaning is? Okay now that we are all on the same page about that can we also agree that none of us has ever been in love? Great. That just solved half the problem. I was talking to my soulmate the other day and she was complaining about how she thinks love stinks and how love is pain and how she wanted to get a tattoo that says the same and God help me I almost slapped her for it because that is nonsense.

People go around asking what love is and I think I know what love is and if I’m wrong then I’m wrong but love is God and God is love. It’s really that simple. What does God mean to you? Because God for me means comfort and friendship and companionship and growth and acceptance and kindness and tolerance and patience and forgiveness. When have you experienced all this in a romantic relationship? Have you ever? No? Then there is your answer.

We fall blindly in lust which is ironic because we fall in lust trusting only what we see with our eyes. You see him and he looks cute and she looks gorgeous but that’s all he/she has to offer, then you have the nerve to say love sucks, love doesn’t suck, you suck. You chose your partner from optics and optics alone and then when they turn out to be nothing but a pretty shell you complain. You made your bed, so must you lay in it in silence my friends.

You want to find love first thing you do is pray about it. Ask God for help for he is the source of all love. Often we ask for things we want forgetting to ask for things that we need. God knows what you need and guess what, He will give it to you, no begging required, no hurt nothing like that because God understands.

Okay let’s summarise this: 1) God and love are one and the same thing and I promise you love understands. 2) Love is all the things that you need, and no I am not talking about your optics, you want her to have big tits and a Nikki Minaj ass, you will continue to be hurt until the day you die, but when you ask God for the right things you will never go wrong, someone kind who will love and accept you just as you are, there is somewhere to start. 3) None of us have been in love thus far, we’ve been in lust and that’s not love’s fault. Leave love out of your failure at a lust based relationships because was never there to begin with, love is innocent.

Family shows up

“…invitation is not for family.”

As some of you may know it was my birthday not too long ago and I spent it with the most amazing human beings on earth. One of those humans just so happens to be one of the most amazing souls I have had the pleasure of meeting and she has continued to remind me that it’s not what people say, it’s what people do. Or rather it’s what people say then do that matters. This may be similar to my “shh show me” piece but I can’t help that. So we had such a good time and she said something to me that I found to be so profound. After she left, of course, I thanked her for coming because I was brought up well but also because coming to celebrate with me meant the world to me and do you know what she said? Can you guess? Don’t worry I’ll wait.

She said that I mustn’t thank her because family shows up for family, always.

I couldn’t have topped that if I tried. You see there are two kinds of family, there is the kind we are blessed with by God and the kind we choose for ourselves and even though we thank god for both, we all know that the most magical kind is the kind we choose but more importantly chooses us too. Someone I thought was my family didn’t show up and I wasn’t mad because if they had then I wouldn’t have known that she and I weren’t family but I know now and I am grateful for it because it’s important to know the truth. Where was I going with this?

Okay so here is my point, you will know your family because family shows up, always. They don’t wait for some invitation because invitation is not for family. And if you are lucky enough to have a family then it is your job to love them with everything you have and with everything you are because family is the only thing that lasts. I am so lucky and blessed and lucky and blessed. Yes so much so that I had to say it twice, I most certainly did. You are lucky too, so does your family know how important they are to you? Do they know you love them? Have you said it?

Lastly, this piece is a special tribute to all my family but especially my soulmate Mary Kalekye and my brother Wayne. It may not be all that creative but it is all that sincere, from the deepest part of my heart I love you, each one of you because my heart is big enough and it has enough love for all of you. So know this I will show up uninvited to celebrate all your triumphs with you and your birthdays and everything in between because that is what family does.

 

PS: The same applies to my blog family, if your birthday is coming up and there is no one to celebrate you, hit me up, I will celebrate you, send you a card present and everything because you are important to me.

Most girls are scarlet

“Scarlet like most girls was afflicted by a rather common disease, a disease I like to call wanting that guy who doesn’t want you.”

How many of you have seen gone with the wind? If you haven’t you ought to. It’s a great movie, a classic actually but most things are subject to opinion. Anyhow my favorite character is Scarlet as you will find most girl’s favorite character is and the reason I admire her so is that she represents most girls in the world and I find that incredibly fascinating. Scarlet like most girls was afflicted by a rather common disease, a disease I like to call wanting that guy who doesn’t want you. That my friends is also called stupidity, and we all suffer from it from time to time.

The long and the short is that Scarlet had Rhett Butler, a good man who loved her with all his heart, was patient with her and loved her for exactly who she was while she was pining over some guy called Ashley and all the while Ashley was completely in love with his cousin Melanie something. Okay first stop judging back in the day people married their cousins to keep the breeding in the family, anyhow this story isn’t about them, it’s about the girl folk. One would think that something like this has been discussed to death but that just isn’t the case and say that it is, people are still pining over the guy that just doesn’t give a f*** so something isn’t right still. Truth is I wasn’t going to write about this until I heard a line that suddenly echoed in my mind, a line, of course, said by Rhett. He said to scarlet and I quote “You know I feel sorry for you scarlet, I feel sorry for you because you are throwing happiness away with both hands and chasing after something that will never make you happy. If Ashley was free and you would be with him do you think he would make you happy? You would never know him.”

Truth is that most of us have an Ashley and most of us have a Rhett and this is what I have to say to all of you and I would like to think we are family here so I can be harsh and you will know that I say all this with love. Don’t be foolish, choose yourself ladies and gentlemen who also like gentlemen. Choosing your Rhett is choosing yourself. Choosing someone who wants you and loves you for who you are is choosing yourself. For some of you loving yourself has become automatic but for those of you who don’t know where to start, you can start by saying an affirmation every day as many times as you like “I love you *say your name*. That’s all you have to do to get started. Say that over and over again and if that’s not enough pray about it. Ask God for help, after all, he is the source of all the love in the world, so if there is someone who can help, I assure you God is the proper person for the job.

At the end of the day I find my message is always the same, you have to be selfish with yourself. Love yourself fiercely love yourself so much that someone would have to love you with fire and brimstone to get you to take note. It’s hard but it’s the only way, either that or you will always get a raw deal and that will be the best thing you will ever get because no one will love you if you don’t love yourself.

Time out

A few weeks ago I had a flood of thoughts at midnight, I call them my midnight  thoughts, lol how profound. Anyway I put up one of them on my WhatsApp status and it went something like “sometimes being on the bench is the best place to be, you get to watch other players make their mistakes and learn from them so that when you finally leave the bench, you know exactly how to win”. Well it went something like that, give or take a word or two reason this came to mind is because I had decided it was a good idea for me to take a break from relationships, romantic relationships that is because I realised that I was dating the same person, different face and body but the same person nevertheless.

First of all, it wasn’t until I took a step back from it all that I was able to see the pattern so already some space was giving me clarity,  and clarity was much needed. The funny thing is that in all those past relationships, I was the common denominator so there is no one to be mad at but me. I got myself into those relationships and no matter what went down, I am at fault for being there if nothing else.

Something else I realised is how much of myself is lost when I was with someone else you know, because I get so involved and somehow the relationship Swallows me whole. So I decided to just be me, to relearn myself/ to date me for a little while and work on myself. I think we all need this from time to time. I have to say, I am so much happier. I am able to tell who adds joy to my life and who brings negativity and/or takes away from me instead of adding to me. It’s become irrefutably clear. I am all round happier and better; Even while I struggle with my time management I am better off. Which ofcourse is scary because now I’m totally gun shy. I don’t want to add anyone to my bubble so that they come with their stuff, their issues and drama that I’m just now done cleansing myself of. Lol why does everything in life have to be a double edged sword?!

Regardless of all of that, I needed this and if you can relate with any of this then you probably need a break too.