HOW CONFLICT CAN BE A GOOD THING

So a while back I wrote an article on conflict and resolution and I promised that I would write about how conflict can, in fact, be a good thing. I know that there is prevailing bullshit that happy couples don’t fight but rest assured that even the happiest couples have conflicting opinions once in a while and it is needed, it is necessary, it is healthy. Conflicting means that the two of you have conflicting opinions once in a while and that’s okay, that’s totally okay, it doesn’t mean anything other than in that one instance you guys have different opinions. So in that same breath, I will have to explain why I think conflict can be good for a couple.

  • Conflict inspires growth. How though? I am so glad you asked. When a couple has a fight over pretty much anything, and they are able to solve the dispute amicably then you and your partner have to grow. And what is growth in this instance? Progress, from one point to another and isn’t that the point? To be able to move forward.
  • Conflict also inspires relationship Satisfaction. You are able to fight over the things that make you unhappy and find a way to make them not as annoying or as irritating to you. Fighting or voicing your grievances allows you to let your partner know exactly what you want, exactly what they can do to make you happy or happier, it’s important, see my point?
  • What is a relationship without boundaries? Boundaries are needed they practically deserve their own star on the walk of fame. Boundaries only come through conflict and if you never fight then how will the other person know what they can and can’t do, how will they know where the line is? This is important. It’s very very important.
  • Conflict Reveals motive. You will never be able to tell what a person is really about or after if you never disagree on anything. Conflict reveals motive, because if he or she is about you, then a fight won’t chase them away, they will stay and you guys will work it out but if they are out to waste your time then the fight will be completely unproductive.
  • Conflict inspires Self-disclosure, you find yourself explaining why something pisses you off so much and your partner gets to know you better. Some of the time you find that the thing that pisses you off, pisses you off cause of something so much deeper than you thought and it turns out to be a bonding moment instead of a bashing moment for you and your partner.
  • Conflict inspires self-disclosure which in turn inspires Intimacy. Talking about the real reason behind things, revealing things that are deeper than the surface will bring you and your partner closer together. He will understand you better, or she will understand you better and because you were open and vulnerable with them they feel closer to you which is how people get intimate. This I how people become friends, more of it will make you best friends, now you know how that goes.

Okay, so what have we learned here? Conflict isn’t the red, large horned, long-tailed devil it is made out to be. Conflict is good conflict is necessary. Conflict allows us to grow in our relationships, it allows us to self-disclose, it allows us to set boundaries and it reveals the other person’s motives but above all, it gets us closer together it makes us get intimate, now who doesn’t want that? I know I do!

 

I hope you learned something here today, I hope you hit that like button big time and share this with your friends. Bisou bisou💋💋💋.

 

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OLDER GUYS VS MATURE GUYS

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The battle for the ages for some girls, for most girls I would say. This is something I have been battling for quite some time now. For the longest time I have wanted to date and eventually marry an older guy, and when I say older I don’t mean three or four year difference more like seven to ten years difference. For the longest time, it was something I was obsessed over. My Nana and granddad have nine years between them and I love that because my granddad was always ahead, so when it comes to his leadership role in the house it just went without saying, his ideas were more diplomatic and he was always way more reasonable than my Nana. And of course, I wanted that for myself.

What I didn’t know is that just because that’s how it turned out for my Nana doesn’t mean that it’s how it will turn out for me. I have tried to date a bunch of older guys. Some of them were great! Absolutely amazing but it didn’t work out because of various reasons but the other half was an absolute menace. It was like a trip to the Zoo; it was a bunch of miscreants who turned out to be a waste of my time and energy. Although I don’t regret any of them because they were an invaluable lesson for me, I mean was it not for them I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

I decided to write this piece when  I saw a video on YouTube about it, a lady was talking about how much she like older men, and it just got me thinking about the experience I have had with them. Now look if you are dating an older guy and he is just right for you, this is not an attack, all I’m trying to say is that not all guys that are older than you are necessarily more mature than you. As a matter of fact, the guy I dumped on 31st was a very very good example of a boy trapped in a man’s body. That was just sad_ broke my heart, not really… but it did sadden me that some girl will be impressed by him… “Sigh”.

I think that we have the two mixed up and it is time for a distinction. Older guys need to stop walking around with a title they don’t deserve. The title ‘Mature’ must be earned, we don’t just hand them out like sandwiches at a picnic. What is a mature guy? Or maybe it should be what makes a mature guy? Let’s go over a few things real quick; Does he walk out on a disagreement?

He’s not scared to have a real conversation, like what happened between him and his Ex? Does he have any baggage from previous relationships? What is he looking for in his next relationship? What kind of a relationship does he have with his parents? Would he walk out on a girl he got pregnant?… and so on… All I’m saying is that a mature man should be able to stomach a real conversation, relationships aren’t just about small talk and PDA; shit gets real!!!

Can you talk about something other than your favorite food and hobbies? Can you talk about Art or Architecture or Music or Politics? He has to be passionate about something aside from MAN U. Does he call if he is running late? Does he ask you out in person?

Does he look surprised that you have cellulite and stretch marks or love handles or a tummy or scars from accidents or chicken pox; because a guy that has a stupid look on his face at the site of a slight imperfection is just stupid and is a child. He has no business dating a woman. Can he follow simple instructions? Does he know what to bring when he comes to see you at your mom’s house? Or does he come empty-handed looking like a complete moron? Does he always pick up the bill? When you’re going out with a guy for a meal, any guy you should never ever have to reach out for your purse cause [1] You look stupid and [2] It is his job as a man, and if he doesn’t he is a boy and you should not be with him in the first place.

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In conclusion older doesn’t necessarily mean mature, you could have a 14 year, 27 year old in your hands, what the fudge do you do with that? Ask yourself the questions I have listed above, they are few but effective. It’s entirely up to you to come up with more. You must vet these men, don’t end up with a loser by choice, you have the option to have the best or well better than your average 28-year-old teenager.

 

Thanks for dropping by, please like and share❤❤❤.

 

THE OPPOSITE SEX BESTFRIEND

In all honesty, I can’t say that I have an experience with this. But I must say; from the little drama, I have seen I thank God that I haven’t had to deal with this. I only say this because I know that this is a real issue!!!

One of the main reasons why I love my cousins so much is that [1] They are guys so I get a lot of the male perspective on a lot of things and that [2] They are all straight, so they can actually be of help to my blog. Anyway, the reason why I brought this up is because thanks to one of my cousins who I don’t know whether to accredit or not this month we get to talk about this and Fellatio[blow jobs] so stay tuned for that.

He said that there was this girl he liked but he can’t date her because she has a male best friend. At the time I thought he was being narcissistic. But after a while, I got to think about it without him around and I was like well maybe he was onto to something. Mr. I’m so confident feeling insecure about this, there had to be something there. So let’s look at the best friend role with a magnification lens, shall we?

What is the role of a best friend? Well, let’s take a look at me and my best-friend. She is always there for me, she knows my entire family, even the in-laws that have married into it and the babies that have recently joined the family. My family adores her and consider her one of us. She has seen me on my good days and very very bad days, she has taken care of me when I was sick, she complements me even when I have put on a little weight, she has loved me through all my boyfriends, she knows what makes me mad and what makes me happy. But most importantly she always knows what to say. That’s what I love about her the most. Just following this short paragraph sounds like this best-friend and I should get married right?!

You see that’s the thing with best friends, they are people we are in love with each other. Yes, I said it, friends like these we are constantly falling in and out of love with each other and that’s what makes this such a tightrope. How many times have I wished for my BFF to just turn into a guy and we can just elope? I hope the problem is becoming clearer and clearer. But, regardless of all this, I wouldn’t ditch my BFF so that some nigga’s ego can feel good. Fudge him and his ego!!! But you must weigh the situation for yourself. Is this guy worth you creating boundaries between you and your best friend? Is your girl-friend worth you telling your best-friend to take a back seat? I won’t even lie, it is a slippery slope for all involved because if you create boundaries between you and your best-friend things will never be the same again. And please keep in mind that part of what makes you and your BFF so close is that there are no boundaries. All I’m saying is, it really comes down to this best-friend you have, are they worth it?

 

As for me, I love my BFF to death, she is worth my kidney, liver and everything else. I don’t care how often she and I talk. In my prayers, I remember to ask God that in another life one of us is a dude and the other a chic so we get married. She is that amazing and no guy can compete… But you know… It doesn’t hurt to try. 😉

 

 

TOXIC FRIENDS

 

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Okay can we just take a minute to talk about this? You know up till recently I wasn’t even aware that I was in fact in a toxic friendship, so let’s begin looking at this from the beginning so we can all tell whether or not we are or have ever encountered a toxic friendship. But before we do, it should go on the record that there is very little difference between a toxic friendship and a toxic relationship so the things we discover here are applicable to relationships as well. Also, I’m not a psychology major/expert/doctor so this won’t be discussed exhaustively but it will be discussed as extensively as I possibly can.

So what does toxic even mean?! It means poisonous and no I’m not even making this up. So that means that Toxic relationships and toxic friendships are in fact poisonous. They are poisonous to you, to your health, to your mental health, to your self-esteem. It’s like trying to cultivate on poisonous soil, nothing will ever grow. So already, in a nutshell, toxic friendships are bad they aren’t good for us we shouldn’t strive for that because we are worth more than just a poisonous friendship right?!

So what are some characteristics to watch out for in a friendship you suspect is toxic?!

Unilateral communication. Are you the one always reaching out? Do you feel like the friendship is one sided? Do you feel like you are trying too hard? Then it’s probably no the friendship for you. You need to take a step or ten back. Look at the bigger picture what is this you are trying so hard for? Is she worth it? Is the friendship worth the trouble? If so then you have your answer and if not then… you also have your answer.

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Hostility. Goodness you guys I could to you about this for days. Have you ever had someone who is so mean you have to be like “yo! Chill the fuck out!!!” yes my ex-friend could be so fucking mean so mean that I was at a loss for words which anyone that knows me would tell you is damn near impossible but sometimes she’d just be a grade a BITCH she was just going through so much I wasn’t really in a position to tell her but you know what, I don’t care what you’re going through, you don’t turn your gun fire on the people in your corner.

Selfish. It is always their show and it is always their turn. It is always their turn and their problems are always bigger than yours.

Negativity and feeling drained. Have you ever talked to someone then immediately after you feel a thousand tonnes heavier? Like their energy is so heavy it literally weighs you down? Or is it just a me thing? I guess I am pretty sensitive to people’s energy I guess I just wanted to be her friend so I ignored the thick poisonous cloud that is/was her energy. Toxic friendships are characterized by negativity, negative energy, and negative vibes. Damn, looking back I have no idea why I was trying *confused emoji*. She was so negative and I like positive vibes I give positive vibes. lol, I’m the kind of person that would try and find something positive out of even the most fucked up situation and that’s the kind of person we all need to be and we all need to befriend. Life is too short for negative vibes.

Guilt tripping. Dare you do the wrong thing, you will never hear the end of it. They are the kind of people who will never let anything go. They will hold things over your head until the second coming and hen demand forgiveness when they hurt you and give you ultimatums to coerce your forgiveness. Seriously, why do we befriend such people?*confused emoji*

Lack of trust. Is it possible to trust someone who is constantly mean? I don’t think so. No trust will develop and what is friendship without trust? It’s wasting time, that’s what it is.

Constant criticism. The last person who you need telling you you’re doing everything wrong is your friend. Friends are to support you and love you and care about you unconditionally unless you’re doing something that is harmful for your life. Then they have to say something but typically they don’t exist to criticise your every move.

Brings out the worst in you. Argh! She used to bring out the worst in me. You all know that misery Loves Company she would spread her negativity and her hostility and with time I started being hostile too and negative because no one is immune to overexposure to a toxic person, the poison will penetrate if you linger, remember that.

Unhappiness. Of course you’ll be unhappy in the friendship, there is nothing good that can grow out of poisonous soil. Nothing and if something does grows then be extremely weary of it. It’s probably more poisonous that the soil itself.

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So what’s the point of all this? How do I conclude?! Well by saying that no one deserves to be stuck or trapped in a negative/toxic friendship. We all deserve better. All of us. Keep an eye out for these signs and constantly weigh the friendship, constantly ask yourself what you’re gaining and what you’re losing. Is it worth it for you to stay?! Is the friendship so great that you can withstand the costs?! If so then you have your answer and if not then you know what to do. One thing that I can say with confidence is that I am so much happier now that she’s no longer in my life. That’s how bad it was. I am happier alone/with the friends that I’m currently keeping. I know that walking away is hard it’s not something that’s easy for anyone, even when you know that walking away is the best thing for you to do. So walk away if you have to. Save yourself and if they ask you can blame it on me. Life is too short to be trapped in a toxic friendship.

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RELATIONSHIPS 101

Do you know how not all of us are meant to be doctors? And not all of can be accountants? Well no all of us can be in relationships successfully. The sooner we realize that and accept it the better. I came across a video the other day, I don’t really remember the details but I remember that it really made me think about things, about relationship things specifically. She asked and I’ll ask you the same question. Why do you want to be in a relationship? What is it about it that you are craving? I’m not asking this hypothetically, I actually require you to write a list of all the things you crave, make it as long as you like just be honest about it. Be honest with yourself, then take another look at that list and make a plan, a plan to do all those things alone. Go on dates alone, get comfortable with your own company, enjoy spending time with yourself, sleeping alone, and find a way to make your bed not so lonely. Work around the “problems” you have created for yourself. Do fun things, write a bucket list and make those things happen, make it happen for yourself.

Why do you want a boyfriend or a girlfriend? What’s in it for them? You already know what’s in it for you, what’s in it for them? Who are you? Are you a good person or are they better off with someone else? No don’t look away, I’m trying to save your soul, deep down you know you’re wounded, so why date someone just to hurt them? Take some time out and let them heal. Write a list of all the thing you expect from your partner then as yourself if you can give your potential/future partner the one you want so desperately all the thing that you expect from them. If not then take a step or two or ten back and first work on yourself, make sure you already have all those things you desire then you can be in a position to expect them. Just remember that

Are you sure you are ready for a relationship or are you just out to waste your time and theirs? How much are you willing to change, to grow, to sacrifice, to compromise, and to mature? It’s not a game as most people like to think of it as. As a matter of fact, if you meet someone who thinks of it as such feel free to friendzone them for all eternity. Love is not a game. Love is complete and utter surrender. If you read your bible, in the letter to the Corinthians Paul tells them what love is. At no point in time did he say that love is a game. He also never said that love is an emotion. Love is a series of actions that someone chooses to do towards someone else. God loves us every single day and we can all attest to this, how? Because God is patient and God is kind and god doesn’t judge us or hold things over us, God is not quick to anger. And all the other things that make-up what love actually is. It is a lot of things, what it isn’t is a game.

Being in a relationship means you are willing to change for this person you want to be with. It means that you are in fact willing to go the distance for them and not scowling and squawking like an adolescent, by taking up this new relationship like an adult, like the man you keep calling yourself, being a man doesn’t come by beating your chest and making false claims, it comes by putting away your childishness and deciding that you want to be a better man, you want to be that man she sees you as. Because he makes you a better person. It’s not all about the man, maybe you are a little ratchet, maybe tone it down and be the respectable woman he sees you as. Let the relationship be a second act. An opportunity to show yourself and your partner who you are minus your shallow ego. The part of you that communes with God. Be that person, choose to be that person and if you can be that person, walk away. Don’t let it start.

Is he a potential husband? Is she a potential wife? If not, don’t do it! Don’t do that to yourself where you go in telling yourself that you can change them, that somehow you can make them want what you want. It never works, unless you are Jesus or God, you can only change yourself. We need to stop deluding ourselves, we do not have the power to change people only God can and that an okay thing just don’t hurt yourself making him a better man for some other woman. And don’t waste your time making an honest woman out of her for some other man. There are so many videos all over the internet, I mean most of them are repetitive but well on the up side it makes it easier to remember. I was going through them to get some content for you guys and they were oh so enlightening. It illuminated the fact that we court wrong. Yes, we court wrong. How can someone even do that?

Well, simply how we go about courtship now. What do we use that time to do? To go out on dates and take pictures for the ‘gram’ and then what? He asks you to be his girl and you’re so high off all the money he has spent on you, you say yes before actually looking at the situation for what it is. In all that time you didn’t think to ask him anything of relative importance. Questions like what drew him to you? Other than your looks cause obviously he had to have been attracted to you at some level to approach you but what else? Questions like when he means he is God fearing what does he actually mean? Does he go to church? How often and why? What’s his family like? Remember that when you marry him you marry his whole family too. Is he coming from a broken home? If yes has he talked to someone about it? Because yes he is wounded whether he admits it to you or not he is and he should talk to someone about it before pledging how he will love you forever and yet he is only half a man.

Ask the right questions. More questions. What are his short-term goals? What are his long-term goals? What does he know about you thus far? Can he answer the most basic questions about you like are you Christian? How often you go to church, what your favourite colour is how many children you are in your home and what your maiden name is? Basic stuff. Nothing rocket science there but is he able to do it? To answer your question that is? Can he? Or is he just wasting your time? I watched another video by Pastor R.C. Jake and he said that we have to ask questions, why? Because questions reveal MOTIVE. You will know he ain’t worth shit simply by how he answers questions. Something else you have to give a budding relationship is time. In this day and age when we all are all hot and bothered, ladies and gentlemen keep it in your pants. Give it time. Give it time so the true colours slowly start to come out. Give the masks time to fall off. Time reveals most things if not all things, so give it time and pay attention.  Don’t give it time then spend that time with your eyes closed, keep your eyes peeled wide open and ask to hang out with his friends, go to his church with him, it will answer so many questions for you. Talk about premarital sex. Is he for it or against it? And if he is for it and he calls himself a God fearing man, then already, you have a problem!

So what’s the conclusion for all this, relationships are a major undertaking and if you want to get hurt you go right ahead and do your thing but if you want to do it and do it right, then maybe get some guidance, get some support, seek council. But before all that stuff ask yourself one very important question, are you ready? Are you ready for the long haul, because if you are thinking short term then the answer is NO, you are in fact not ready! But if you are, you need some help. You need someone who will show you the difference between the wolf and the sheep. You can’t do it alone.

 

 

PS; You need Jesus, you need the discernment that can only come from God, that’s what you need and yes you can’t do it alone. Take it from someone who has already don’t the leg work. Thanks for stopping by please hit the like button and share❤❤❤.

This valentine’s…

Hello beautiful people or is today not the day to call you that?! By show of likes, how many of you thought you’d have a valentine’s this year but don’t?! Lol it happens, how many thought they wouldn’t have a valentine but did?! How many don’t care it’s valentine’s today? Very good, thanks for playing. So here’s the tea, it really doesn’t matter. If you have a valentine yeeey you if you don’t and you wanted to have one do something about it. The only thing I am against is you feeling sorry for yourself. If someone didn’t ask you to be their valentine then maybe you should ask them, or someone else, make someone else’s day, it’s good for the soul, I assure you. I know this from experience. Sometimes even when you’re sure there is still room for surprise. And that’s okay, it’ll sting a little but as long as you’re still alive it’s all good.

I know that when this day comes our self-worth is put on the balance and it is weighed based on whether or not we have a valentine. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave that would unbrain-wash all of us but there is not. You have to do the work on your own, create your own standards. Your not having a valentine says nothing about you other than you don’t have a valentine. However, choosing to feel like you’re less worthy because you don’t have a valentine, on the other hand, is another story altogether. Ask yourself why it’s so important that you have a valentine. What is it you wanted them to give you?! And is it something that you can give to yourself?! Yes, ladies and gentlemen pun intended💯. Whatever it is from roses to breakfast in bed, to orgasms, if it’s something you can give to yourself then do that.

I know there is something about having someone else do things for us that makes it feel good, feel really good but we have to be able to tell ourselves those things and do those things that we require someone else does for us so that it’s not a big deal anymore. So that we don’t need it so that it does not decide how we feel about ourselves. Tell yourself you look beautiful. Tell yourself you look sexy, or that you have a nice ass. You know you do so why does someone else have to say it for it to be true?! I know it’s hard so here for today allow me to help you out a little. You look beautiful. Your make up is totally on fleek. You are killing it in that dress. Nice ass!!! You look so handsome today. And of course, you give me wild thoughts😉.

There feel better?! Now go get yours. Fuck valentine’s expectations, you are complete just the way you are.

I don’t say this enough but I love all my readers. Yes, I don’t know all of you but I love you all the same. Please like this and share let’s makes sure we keep the suicides this Valentine at an all-time low. Thanks for stopping by😚😚😚.

THINGS FALL APART…

Don’t run away just yet, this is not the kind of piece you think, and plus you didn’t let me finish. Things fall apart to fall in place.

If I wasn’t the one writing this I would never believe it. I know that even to me it is brushing up against the makes no sense line but I promise you it does make sense and you have to believe me because one, what I write here is true and two because in order to show you just how true it is I will have to share so much of myself so yes for that you just have to believe me. Okay as I had thought about writing this article initially it was going to be pretty general but given how I am feeling right now I think it should be relationship based. I don’t know if this is just a me thing or do you all experience it to some degree. Every other aspect of my life could be booming but my love life is a mess, like all the time. It’s like I am capable of doing pretty much anything including being a superhero but give me a relationship and watch me fail. Lol please tell me it’s not just a me thing.

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Anyway despite my being a spectacular failure at relationships I did manage to realize a few things along the way.

  • You need to grow or grow some more. First, let me be the first to say that relationships are tricky even for the experts. I would imagine that even if you get someone who has really matured/advanced/grown in every aspect, growth is very very relative and there will come a point in time you’ll realize that you just don’t see eye to eye on something be it big or small. Anyway, that’s just an overall consolation for all of us. Okay, so I know that a failed relationship is a bummer no matter how you look at it but I assure you that most of the time relationships fall apart so that something far greater can come together. I have always felt that relationships are a place for all of us to grow and most of us do and some of us don’t and that’s… weird. Anyway sometimes we peak in a relationship and we realize that there is just no more growth going on and whether we realize it or not when you stop growing in a relationship you get unhappy and the relationship may/will fall apart but it’s only because you need to grow some more. Growth, personal growth is the point to life. Constantly graduating from one level to another is the point and even though at the time it will suck, it’s for your own good or should I say for your own growth.

 

  • Greener pastures. Lol first allow me to laugh. Who I’m I laughing at? I don’t know maybe myself maybe all of us. I don’t know who poured this poison in our blood at conception but as humans, we always feel as though the grass is always greener, why? Someone needs to explain this to me, slowly and delicately as though they were explaining it to a two-year-old. It should go on the record that I believe that the grass is green where you water it and that’s all there is to that. However, there is the not so rare instance where you know you’re getting a raw deal in which case the grass is greener over the metaphorical fence. Every single day, remind yourself just what you are worth, and work on yourself. As you expect magic make sure you’re your own kind of magic as well. And always give your best no matter what and when you know it’s not the best that you’re getting, pack your little bags, metaphorical or otherwise and leave. Sometimes the grass is greener. Sometimes things fall apart so you could find someone better someone who is worthy of you. You have to believe it. You have to convince yourself that you are in fact worth all the things you desire and that your demands are reasonable. You ask because you know what you have to give and that it’s worth everything you’re asking for so let it fall apart. Speaking from a fighter’s perspective sometimes it’s okay to admit defeat.

 

  • Freedom to be yourself. Have you ever been in a relationship where you are constantly giving up parts of yourself? And I don’t mean things like you used to sleep around and then you stopped because now you’re in a relationship, or you used to drink a lot and had to stop/cut back for the sake of the relationship, I mean giving up actual aspects of your personality for this person you are with until you can barely recognise yourself. Like you used to be so kind but this person inspires the unkindness in you or you used to have such a nice sense of humour but after years of criticism you just don’t feel the same way about your sense of humour or you used to like art and they don’t so you decided you don’t like art anymore too. I may not be some love guru but I know that relationships that make us give up parts of ourselves are toxic! And doomed to fail. You should be free to be yourself. Any relationship that doesn’t allow you to do that is a relationship that’s not worth your time. Sometimes relationships fall apart so you can have the freedom to be yourself again. So when it happens as soon as you’re done pouting, be grateful. The freedom of being able to be ourselves is I think the most fundamental of freedoms.

It’s hard to hear things like this [especially when we are not ready to walk away even when we are unhappy. There is a song that says that there is an addictive kind of sadness and I think we have all encountered it at some point;] it’s almost upsetting at the wrong time but the bottom line is, sometimes things fall apart so other things, better things, greater things can fall in place/come together. It might not feel like it at the time and that’s an okay thing just as long as you let it happen in the end by being grateful for how things went down in the first place because, at the end of the day, God, the universe or whatever you believe in has your best interest at heart.

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Thank you so much for gracing my blog with your presence, if you liked this please hit the like button below and share this with your friends. See you soon❤❤❤.