TOXIC FRIENDS

 

Image result for toxic friendships

Okay can we just take a minute to talk about this? You know up till recently I wasn’t even aware that I was in fact in a toxic friendship, so let’s begin looking at this from the beginning so we can all tell whether or not we are or have ever encountered a toxic friendship. But before we do, it should go on the record that there is very little difference between a toxic friendship and a toxic relationship so the things we discover here are applicable to relationships as well. Also, I’m not a psychology major/expert/doctor so this won’t be discussed exhaustively but it will be discussed as extensively as I possibly can.

So what does toxic even mean?! It means poisonous and no I’m not even making this up. So that means that Toxic relationships and toxic friendships are in fact poisonous. They are poisonous to you, to your health, to your mental health, to your self-esteem. It’s like trying to cultivate on poisonous soil, nothing will ever grow. So already, in a nutshell, toxic friendships are bad they aren’t good for us we shouldn’t strive for that because we are worth more than just a poisonous friendship right?!

So what are some characteristics to watch out for in a friendship you suspect is toxic?!

Unilateral communication. Are you the one always reaching out? Do you feel like the friendship is one sided? Do you feel like you are trying too hard? Then it’s probably no the friendship for you. You need to take a step or ten back. Look at the bigger picture what is this you are trying so hard for? Is she worth it? Is the friendship worth the trouble? If so then you have your answer and if not then… you also have your answer.

Image result for toxic friendships

Hostility. Goodness you guys I could to you about this for days. Have you ever had someone who is so mean you have to be like “yo! Chill the fuck out!!!” yes my ex-friend could be so fucking mean so mean that I was at a loss for words which anyone that knows me would tell you is damn near impossible but sometimes she’d just be a grade a BITCH she was just going through so much I wasn’t really in a position to tell her but you know what, I don’t care what you’re going through, you don’t turn your gun fire on the people in your corner.

Selfish. It is always their show and it is always their turn. It is always their turn and their problems are always bigger than yours.

Negativity and feeling drained. Have you ever talked to someone then immediately after you feel a thousand tonnes heavier? Like their energy is so heavy it literally weighs you down? Or is it just a me thing? I guess I am pretty sensitive to people’s energy I guess I just wanted to be her friend so I ignored the thick poisonous cloud that is/was her energy. Toxic friendships are characterized by negativity, negative energy, and negative vibes. Damn, looking back I have no idea why I was trying *confused emoji*. She was so negative and I like positive vibes I give positive vibes. lol, I’m the kind of person that would try and find something positive out of even the most fucked up situation and that’s the kind of person we all need to be and we all need to befriend. Life is too short for negative vibes.

Guilt tripping. Dare you do the wrong thing, you will never hear the end of it. They are the kind of people who will never let anything go. They will hold things over your head until the second coming and hen demand forgiveness when they hurt you and give you ultimatums to coerce your forgiveness. Seriously, why do we befriend such people?*confused emoji*

Lack of trust. Is it possible to trust someone who is constantly mean? I don’t think so. No trust will develop and what is friendship without trust? It’s wasting time, that’s what it is.

Constant criticism. The last person who you need telling you you’re doing everything wrong is your friend. Friends are to support you and love you and care about you unconditionally unless you’re doing something that is harmful for your life. Then they have to say something but typically they don’t exist to criticise your every move.

Brings out the worst in you. Argh! She used to bring out the worst in me. You all know that misery Loves Company she would spread her negativity and her hostility and with time I started being hostile too and negative because no one is immune to overexposure to a toxic person, the poison will penetrate if you linger, remember that.

Unhappiness. Of course you’ll be unhappy in the friendship, there is nothing good that can grow out of poisonous soil. Nothing and if something does grows then be extremely weary of it. It’s probably more poisonous that the soil itself.

Image result for toxic friendships

So what’s the point of all this? How do I conclude?! Well by saying that no one deserves to be stuck or trapped in a negative/toxic friendship. We all deserve better. All of us. Keep an eye out for these signs and constantly weigh the friendship, constantly ask yourself what you’re gaining and what you’re losing. Is it worth it for you to stay?! Is the friendship so great that you can withstand the costs?! If so then you have your answer and if not then you know what to do. One thing that I can say with confidence is that I am so much happier now that she’s no longer in my life. That’s how bad it was. I am happier alone/with the friends that I’m currently keeping. I know that walking away is hard it’s not something that’s easy for anyone, even when you know that walking away is the best thing for you to do. So walk away if you have to. Save yourself and if they ask you can blame it on me. Life is too short to be trapped in a toxic friendship.

Image result for toxic friendships

 

Advertisements

THINGS FALL APART…

Don’t run away just yet, this is not the kind of piece you think, and plus you didn’t let me finish. Things fall apart to fall in place.

If I wasn’t the one writing this I would never believe it. I know that even to me it is brushing up against the makes no sense line but I promise you it does make sense and you have to believe me because one, what I write here is true and two because in order to show you just how true it is I will have to share so much of myself so yes for that you just have to believe me. Okay as I had thought about writing this article initially it was going to be pretty general but given how I am feeling right now I think it should be relationship based. I don’t know if this is just a me thing or do you all experience it to some degree. Every other aspect of my life could be booming but my love life is a mess, like all the time. It’s like I am capable of doing pretty much anything including being a superhero but give me a relationship and watch me fail. Lol please tell me it’s not just a me thing.

Image result for things happen for a reason

Anyway despite my being a spectacular failure at relationships I did manage to realize a few things along the way.

  • You need to grow or grow some more. First, let me be the first to say that relationships are tricky even for the experts. I would imagine that even if you get someone who has really matured/advanced/grown in every aspect, growth is very very relative and there will come a point in time you’ll realize that you just don’t see eye to eye on something be it big or small. Anyway, that’s just an overall consolation for all of us. Okay, so I know that a failed relationship is a bummer no matter how you look at it but I assure you that most of the time relationships fall apart so that something far greater can come together. I have always felt that relationships are a place for all of us to grow and most of us do and some of us don’t and that’s… weird. Anyway sometimes we peak in a relationship and we realize that there is just no more growth going on and whether we realize it or not when you stop growing in a relationship you get unhappy and the relationship may/will fall apart but it’s only because you need to grow some more. Growth, personal growth is the point to life. Constantly graduating from one level to another is the point and even though at the time it will suck, it’s for your own good or should I say for your own growth.

 

  • Greener pastures. Lol first allow me to laugh. Who I’m I laughing at? I don’t know maybe myself maybe all of us. I don’t know who poured this poison in our blood at conception but as humans, we always feel as though the grass is always greener, why? Someone needs to explain this to me, slowly and delicately as though they were explaining it to a two-year-old. It should go on the record that I believe that the grass is green where you water it and that’s all there is to that. However, there is the not so rare instance where you know you’re getting a raw deal in which case the grass is greener over the metaphorical fence. Every single day, remind yourself just what you are worth, and work on yourself. As you expect magic make sure you’re your own kind of magic as well. And always give your best no matter what and when you know it’s not the best that you’re getting, pack your little bags, metaphorical or otherwise and leave. Sometimes the grass is greener. Sometimes things fall apart so you could find someone better someone who is worthy of you. You have to believe it. You have to convince yourself that you are in fact worth all the things you desire and that your demands are reasonable. You ask because you know what you have to give and that it’s worth everything you’re asking for so let it fall apart. Speaking from a fighter’s perspective sometimes it’s okay to admit defeat.

 

  • Freedom to be yourself. Have you ever been in a relationship where you are constantly giving up parts of yourself? And I don’t mean things like you used to sleep around and then you stopped because now you’re in a relationship, or you used to drink a lot and had to stop/cut back for the sake of the relationship, I mean giving up actual aspects of your personality for this person you are with until you can barely recognise yourself. Like you used to be so kind but this person inspires the unkindness in you or you used to have such a nice sense of humour but after years of criticism you just don’t feel the same way about your sense of humour or you used to like art and they don’t so you decided you don’t like art anymore too. I may not be some love guru but I know that relationships that make us give up parts of ourselves are toxic! And doomed to fail. You should be free to be yourself. Any relationship that doesn’t allow you to do that is a relationship that’s not worth your time. Sometimes relationships fall apart so you can have the freedom to be yourself again. So when it happens as soon as you’re done pouting, be grateful. The freedom of being able to be ourselves is I think the most fundamental of freedoms.

It’s hard to hear things like this [especially when we are not ready to walk away even when we are unhappy. There is a song that says that there is an addictive kind of sadness and I think we have all encountered it at some point;] it’s almost upsetting at the wrong time but the bottom line is, sometimes things fall apart so other things, better things, greater things can fall in place/come together. It might not feel like it at the time and that’s an okay thing just as long as you let it happen in the end by being grateful for how things went down in the first place because, at the end of the day, God, the universe or whatever you believe in has your best interest at heart.

Image result for things happen for a reason

 

Thank you so much for gracing my blog with your presence, if you liked this please hit the like button below and share this with your friends. See you soon❤❤❤.

 

EMOTIONAL SCARS

 

So a while back, a long while back after writing my married men on tinder piece someone asked me who hurt me and I was so offended, I’m still offended. Is it rocket science that the wife’s side is the right side? No!!! I didn’t think so either. I turned those married men down NOT because some married guy hurt me but because I thought their behaviour was shameful and disrespectful, I turned them down because I respect the wife and I respect marriage as an institution and I look forward to being married someday and when that day comes I won’t be distracted hiding from karma. Dear married men on tinder shame on you and shame on you again, and as for the person who asked me the foolish question, you have your answer J. Now in the midst of being upset and catching feelings and all that it got me thinking about emotional scars, why I don’t really know. Maybe it was because often we don’t properly heal from bad relationships and when we don’t, bad things happen.

I have said this time and time again, if you’ve never really been in love then none of this will make any sense to you, it will all just seem like things that have been exaggerated you know, it will all seem like overreacting but I promise you it’s not I actually almost wish it was. Sometimes you fall in love with someone and it feels like, to quote Julia Roberts in eat pray love, “it’s like when the magician performs that trick where he jumps off the pole and dives into a cup of water disappearing completely”. Sometimes it feels like you’ve been swept off your feet and you only feel them under you after you’ve been dropped with a loud thud that leaves you completely broken, sometimes it’s that great big love, the one that’s worth changing for, worth crossing oceans for, and when that person breaks your heart you can almost feel it cracking inside your chest, lol I know the few of you who understand what I’m talking about are nodding your heads and the majority who don’t are like “what a drama queen,” “How so very melodramatic” and that’s okay.

Now when this great love leaves you or when you part ways, the both of you, it’s very likely that scars will form over time because when wounds heal some of them leave scars and that’s what I want us to talk about today. Ofcourse I won’t talk about them all because if I were to do that we would be here all month long and no one wants to spend that much time with any one person I’m I right? I came to understand that when you lose someone like that, like the one I’ve just described, when you lose them I think it’s called ambiguous loss, it’s when someone is gone but they are still here. Losing someone like that will feel like they’ve died, so you have to grieve them, that is my point. Yes, you have to go through the motions, get angry, cry it out, do whatever you need to do to accept what’s just happened and when the wounds heal these are some scars that remain, the doozies i.e.:

  • Heart burn. Unfortunately, our hearts aren’t fireproof, I wish they were though, we probably all do. When a relationship ends, everyone loses. I have said that before and I will say it again. I don’t mean that relationship where he’s cheating or she’s cheating and everyone knows it and everyone just wishes they’d break up already and stop wasting everybody’s time, I’m talking about that relationship that makes everyone drool and hate their life, I mean the kind where they seem so happy they make your lonely self feel suicidal, that’s the kind of relationship I’m referring too. Yes, those also break up, you’d be surprised. Point is when your heart is set ablaze and not in a good way, it will burn, there are no two ways about it, and that’s okay just put the fire out and nurse it. There is no heart that is burnt beyond repair otherwise divorced and widowed people would never have any chance of remarrying so just don’t be too mean with your heart. Guarding it is one thing but keeping it from experiencing love ever again is another thing altogether. Your heart will heal in time, in time everything heals so let it, and then be open to love again. I wish I could tell you that you’ll never be hurt again but lol I’m not God but in any case falling in love is the riskiest business in the world so my advice is, invest wisely and take that leap of faith, because if there is something I’ve witnessed is that off the right cliff, the net will appear. I promise❤.

 

  • Bitter shrew. Don’t be bitter, get better. As I have said time and time again, learn from your experiences. Ofcourse I’m not the best at taking my own advice but hopefully one of you is better at it than I am. It is so easy to go to the dark side, but you have to remember to keep choosing love. It’s not easy but it’s not impossible either. How do you do it? I am so glad you asked. By surrounding yourself with positivity, watch comedies and stand up comedies, laugh, spend more time with your family, not the crazy side that criticizes you all the time and will talk about your ex on a loop, the good side that is team you and just wants to spend quality time with you. Watch romance movies that all have happy endings. Reprogram your brain and your heart to remember that NOT all relationships end in heartache. It’ll hurt at first, you won’t be able to get through them without crying or breaking something if that’s the kind of person you are but it gets easier I promise. And because you’ll be feeling genuinely sad, cry it out just don’t allow yourself to get depressed and stay depressed. Keep making an effort to put a smile on your face 😊.

 

  • Stuck in time [I’m stuck]. I know from experience that you will be tempted to be stuck. When you love someone who means the world to you and then they decide they just don’t want to be with you any more L, your heart stops for a moment, for that split second time stands still and that’s where you go back to, over and over again, so that when someone new attempts to come close you go back to that dark place, that hurtful place and re-live one of the worst moments of your life on a loop , don’t do that to yourself. You are human you will be tempted to do so because I know from experience that you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. Don’t do that to yourself, grieve, then put that chapter of your life away and start over.

Start over even with yourself. Who are you without them? I know we change when we are in love/in a relationship, we go conforming certain elements our personalities to this other person so that our persons mesh together better but they aren’t here now so who are you without them? Do you still like horror movies when you’re alone? What’s your favorite colour? What’s your favourite kind of music? Discover yourself, you just might find you love the you that’s without them 😊.

 

 

If you liked this article please hit the like button and share. Thank you so much for stopping by!!!❤❤❤

 

Maybe this time [Issa lie!!! 😒]

Hahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!! Excuse me while I laugh at myself.

I left this foolishness in 2017 so I guess I can talk about it now, I used to be one of those people who would date someone and then that one time things don’t work out, we part ways then a year later they come say the way they’ve changed, they’ve grown, all that BS then we get back together and then ofcourse shit goes down again and then we have to part ways again and as I said goodbye to 2017 I vowed to say goodbye to that foolishness as well.

Listen people in as much as writing for your enjoyment and entertainment gives me great satisfaction I want you to understand that I do foolish things and share them at great price to me to save you a trip. My mom always tells me one thing, you don’t have to learn all things through experience, some things are painful and unnecessary/ painfully unnecessary. And I love her for that, because thanks to her one of you (I say one because humans are born with a unique foolishness of doing the wrong thing despite knowing better) won’t have to encounter the nonsense I had to endure.

Me and people like me have this theory that maybe this time it’ll work, maybe this time he or she won’t do that foolish thing they did the last time. It’s called having faith in people, the wrong people, the kind of people who don’t deserve it. Now this is something I would typically be mad at myself for but what can I say, I’m very human and I’m ok with that 😁. What I’m not okay with is one of my beautiful readers making stupid choices that could be avoided because I’ve done the foot work so you don’t have to.

So I have come up with a theory, now this theory may just explain my behavior but I suspect it may explain a couple other people’s behavior as well. I think for me, when I’m not with the person, I work on myself one because I live spending time with myself and two because I enjoy working on myself and personal growth, it’s something I’m very passionate about. Somehow in the midst of all that I assume that this person has been doing the same. It doesn’t have to be a passion of theirs or whatever but it could be something they do because it has to be done. But as long as the end result is growth/maturity then what difference should it make right?! Same way we apply our shortcomings to people I think this works the same way, so how do we cure ourselves of this foolishness?! Good question I’m glad you asked that.

Write a list of all the things that made you guys part ways the last time, this is not one of those write a list then burn it, no no no, we need that list on record. Write it, include all the things and when he comes have your list on hand says you want to be friends forest you know, you want to take things slow or whatever and during that study the person. Do they still have the qualities that put you off?! If they do then that settles that and if not then stay friends all in all I must make something clear, try and try again may work for a lot of things but relationships I assure you is not one of them. Take it from someone who has tried it and failed.

Why so vague though?

 

I’ve been going through my posts and it seems as though I have been so vague but in truth, in as much as I love being a blogger and sharing my world with all who choose to read my blog, being open and honest and vulnerable is still very scary to me. As from the much I have seen and read from other blogs it’s a struggle we share as bloggers, we all have that much in common to some extent but it has gotten to a point that I’ve realised that this is my platform and as such I will share whatever I want to share because that’s why started blogging in 2015, I was dealing with a lot emotionally mostly an I was dying to let it all out. I wanted a place where I could openly assign blame and openly be sad and mad and whatever else I was feeling at the time and that gave rise to fabgalaxy.wordpress.com which later morphed into obdurate.wordpress.com.

So anyway getting back to business this is what I was meant to say, I saw someone, someone from my past, someone who had a great impact in my life. He blew in like a tornado and blew my life around and when he was done I was left to find my ground and my center and t decide who I want to be which is so weird because how did we go from being blown around to choosing who we want to be? Let me explain myself. Sometimes people come into our lives or come back into our lives so we can ask ourselves, I’m I still that person? The person I was when I first met this other person? Is that still me? Have I not grown or evolved at all? And if you haven’t, well then things will fall back in place, the way they always had, and things will go back to the way they were before the two of you decided to part ways but, if you have indeed grown, If you have infact been working on yourself and you’ve been on some evolutionary journey of some kind then you are not the same person, you can’t be, you couldn’t be if you tried. Now maybe that earlier phrase makes a little more sense.

So this person came, I saw him, still as beautiful as I remembered but only on the outside, on the inside, a ghost town, I had never realised that before I was always too smitten, he is just so beautiful to me I couldn’t resist him in the past but fortunately while he was away, I decided to grow, I decided to ask myself who I am now, I’m I still that girl who would choose him over everything? Over everyone? It wasn’t fun, it was intense and intrusive even for me, but I had to do it so that when asked this time I could choose differently, I could choose better, I could choose Lavender’s happiness above anyone else’s.

 

Editor’s note: Thanks for reading my blog. If you liked it don’t forget to hit the like button and I hope you follow obdurate and join the family❤.

Thanks a heap indecision😒

Image result for indecision

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, all week actually. I feel like last night was the first time I actually fell asleep and slept through the night. But in truth I was so tired it was either I sleep voluntarily or collapse from exhaustion. Anyway, I thought that the insomnia was being caused by my menses which may be TMI but I’d like to think we are all adults here. So anyway I thought that my lack of sleep was being caused by an overwhelming surge of hormones that were running up and down my body but after last night I realized that I might have been very wrong about that.

I’ve been really stressed all week. I was dealing with something that felt heavy to me. I was torn between two choices that at the time seemed like they would throw my whole life out of balance so naturally, they took over my whole brain and ofcourse to add salt to it I had a CAT, the final CAT before I have to sit my accounting finals and so I had that to worry about as well and ofcourse I was having trouble concentrating because of this other thing in my mind so finally something had to give. I read for my paper as best I could, I sat and wrote the damn thing and to be perfectly honest with you I was just glad that I had one less thing to think and worry about. And after that, I just came home and slept. I was incapable of doing anything else. My body was about to give out on me. We [my body and I] had gotten to that place of either give me rest or I take it, your choice.

 

Me all week long

 

Next day after that I spent some time with one of my girlfriends and we talked about all the things and it made me realise that I was looking at everything the wrong way, I was deciding things off of feelings instead of facts and that’s just never worked for me before why would it work for me now? So I sat down with a virtual piece of paper in my mind and I decided you know what? I’m on Lavender’s team and all I care about is what makes Lavender happy and just like that, I made a decision. Little did I know that the indecision was what was preventing me from getting any sleep? Like I said, sometimes complex problems have simple solutions, Thursday night, I slept like a baby.

Personal growth

I remember some time ago I came across a quote that read that when God wants you to grow, he makes you uncomfortable. Of course I was in agreement immediately but notice how when some quotes apply directly to your life you get all grouchy and pissed? Yes, that was me not too long ago. This last weekend actually.

I know that personal growth is a broad subject but given this is not an academic blog I will stick to my personal growth. I was talking with one of my girlfriends about an ex-boyfriend. You know, one of those exes that had you pretty much brainwashed? Yap one of those. Mine was tall dark and handsome, how did I yours look like? What made them seem so great at the time? I would love to know. Anyway so we got to talking and out of nowhere, she started saying that I still loved him and I was like, what? No, I don’t!!! If I loved him still I would be with him but I’m not because I don’t love him. But she kept on saying it over and over again and I was so mad but at the same time it planted doubt in my head and I can see your face scowling don’t worry this was a good thing.

It was a good thing because it made me think about it a lot, it made me think about him too and how it all went down. And aside from the amazing rolling in the hay sessions, ours was a pretty toxic relationship and the worst part was how perfect it looked from the outside and yet inside I was screaming at myself for being so foolish and stuck. I called him that night just because I didn’t have all the answers I needed to make a well-educated verdict because at that point it wasn’t really about what or how I felt because I knew how I felt already, I was done loving him a long time ago, so that really wasn’t an issue. So why did I feel like I still needed closure? Because I did of course. So that beautiful man and I had a chat and two minutes into the conversation I had my closure.

Related image

All, the questions I had were answered to satisfaction, he didn’t say anything bad or mean, but in that moment I remembered why I had to leave him, the same person that I would choose over and over again over pretty much everyone else and at that moment, I couldn’t think of choosing him over anyone. Funny how someone who made me feel so unhappy would be the key to my personal growth; life is a funny thing. That night, he delivered an intricate part of me to myself and I am so grateful my friend pushed me as she did that night. I am so glad I dated this person and that the relationship was a brilliant failure and I am grateful that he brought me to myself. I am grateful that I am in a position to watch myself grow and be grateful for it.

As I have said time and time again because I don’t know you guys on a personal level I can’t share your stories but you all have them, it’s my hope that you can take something from my story though. I know that when relationships crash and burn we often look at the aftermath with so much hate and anger and sometimes pain but after all that its good to find time to heal then go back to the crime scene and see what really happened, not just according to you, but according to both of you. I am learning to constantly reevaluate what I think I know, and therefore learning to have my eyes more open, figuratively speaking of course because sometimes complicated problems have simple solutions.