BROKEN REMEDY

Yes I know all about the “burn his/her things”, lose weight, channel your anger or whatever in the gym or whatever, “the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one”, come on now don’t be bashful I know you’ve heard all these fads before. Now I can agree with the gym part but everything else is garbage, yes that is inclusive of the weight loss part. If he/she didn’t want to be with you at 70kg, they sure don’t deserve you at 65. Now, all that aside can we talk about what’s really wrong because focusing all your energy on the outside while you’re dying on the inside is like washing a dirty cup thoroughly on the outside and ignoring the inside and then being angry when no one drinks from it. Ofcourse no one will, it’s filthy! It could make someone very very sick. Now I hope you get the gist here, after a breakup, we all become the dirty cup.

There is nothing wrong with breakups, sometimes things just aren’t working and you both know it, only that most of the time only one of you is brave enough to say it. And sometimes it is for the better because you can’t get better while you hold on to this broken situation, you know. All that being said, it doesn’t make breakups hurt any less, they still hurt, even when you’re the one doing the breaking up. It hurts because of the time you spent with this person that’s now gone forever, it hurts because you’re losing the person you used to speak to every day, it hurts because all the plans you guys made have been reduced to nothing. It hurts because you’re hurting someone that you loved deeply, that you’re hurting someone you probably still love, someone who made a great impact in your life. Do you get a general idea?

Coming from someone who has gone through this a couple of times, here are some of my personal broken remedies, they help, I promise.

  1. Pain demands to be felt. Allowing yourself to feel pain doesn’t make you weak, it only means you’re hurt, it means you’re human, it means you have feelings and that’s a good thing. It sucks to be hurt but it’s okay to admit that you’re hurt, it’s okay. Don’t deflect it, let it in, the only way around it, is through. The only way to truly heal is to first admit that you’ve been hurt then to apply whatever ‘ointment’ is needed to make it better.
  1. Take time to heal, take as long as you need. I know you’ve heard the saying hurt people, hurt people. Hurt people only hurt people because they didn’t take the time they needed to heal. Healing takes time, it takes longer for some than others and that’s okay. Heal at your own pace, could be weeks, months or years, that’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less than you are. It doesn’t take anything away from you either and when someone comes along too soon, don’t date them for two weeks then tell them you’re not into it, be upfront about it and let them know you’re healing from a previous commitment and that you need time, maybe a lot of time. Communicate as overtly as possible don’t leave any room for guesswork or maybes, it’s not fair to the other person.
  1. Forgive yourself for your part in sinking the ‘ship’. It might have been your fault that the relationship didn’t work, speaking from experience, this is especially hard, I cheated and I remember the hardest thing was me being able to forgive myself. I remember saying how it was his fault and not mine, that it was his fault I cheated, yes I know cheaters looove pointing fingers, they love saying how its everyone’s fault but their own, I know so… I know and it’s hard but accept the blame, because the blame is, in fact, yours to accept, be an adult and take responsibility. You made a mistake and now the consequences are yours to bare and that’s okay. Accept and forgive yourself, find a way to forgive yourself, only then, can you forgive the other person.
  1. Go back to the crime scene and understand what exactly went down. Whose fault was it? Was it yours? Was it his? did you cheat? Okay, why? Are you not ready for a committed, monogamous relationship? Were you just bored? Or maybe you’re just emotionally immature. Look at it objectively, don’t be on your side and don’t be on his side either, be the relationships advocate, critic and judge based on what would have been done differently to make the relationship survive and not only that but survive and last. Okay good now that you’ve seen the problem, how does that affect your next relationship? Learn, I mean you’ve already been hurt so deeply the least you can do for yourself is make sure that you’ll do better the next time. Use it to grow. Use it to work on yourself. It’ll be so good for you, you won’t believe the difference in the end, I promise.
  1. Forgive and let it go. Now that you have forgiven yourself, it will be easier to forgive him or her. It doesn’t matter that he cheated or that she cheated, just forgive the whole thing and let it go. Notice that I didn’t say forgive and forget, no you better remember that shit because when they come back and tell you the way they’ve changed, you’ll have a list of all the reasons why you walked away in the first place. Don’t make a habit of letting yourself get hurt. Remember how it feels when you first say those words out loud or hear them the very first time. It literally breaks you inside, you can almost hear your heart cracking and exploding in to a million little pieces, it’s so surreal it’s almost like everything stops, your heart included, and you’re just in this space of hurt and complete and utter betrayal, so if you remember all that, don’t make a habit of being broken because it can numb you to the pain and the minute you start going numb, then you can’t feel the good things either can you? You can’t connect and that’s when they say you’re broken so you know, be careful.

In the end, it sucks, it sucks all around for both parties I assure you because when a relationship fails, you both lose, there are no winners in a break up [remember that]. Especially if you were in a meaningful relationship. I assure you it’s a big deal to the both of you and there are no magic cures. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to work for it, You have to want it, you have to wash the cup on the inside too, you have to keep moving forward, you have to forgive yourself, you have to forgive the other person too, you have to find a way to let it go, you failed and that’s okay. But it does get better, you’ll wake up one day and not remember they even ever existed so… it’s okay :).

 

PS: If this spoke to you on any level, personal or otherwise please like and share. Thanks for stopping by❤❤❤!

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Maybe this time [Issa lie!!! 😒]

Hahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!! Excuse me while I laugh at myself.

I left this foolishness in 2017 so I guess I can talk about it now, I used to be one of those people who would date someone and then that one time things don’t work out, we part ways then a year later they come say the way they’ve changed, they’ve grown, all that BS then we get back together and then ofcourse shit goes down again and then we have to part ways again and as I said goodbye to 2017 I vowed to say goodbye to that foolishness as well.

Listen people in as much as writing for your enjoyment and entertainment gives me great satisfaction I want you to understand that I do foolish things and share them at great price to me to save you a trip. My mom always tells me one thing, you don’t have to learn all things through experience, some things are painful and unnecessary/ painfully unnecessary. And I love her for that, because thanks to her one of you (I say one because humans are born with a unique foolishness of doing the wrong thing despite knowing better) won’t have to encounter the nonsense I had to endure.

Me and people like me have this theory that maybe this time it’ll work, maybe this time he or she won’t do that foolish thing they did the last time. It’s called having faith in people, the wrong people, the kind of people who don’t deserve it. Now this is something I would typically be mad at myself for but what can I say, I’m very human and I’m ok with that 😁. What I’m not okay with is one of my beautiful readers making stupid choices that could be avoided because I’ve done the foot work so you don’t have to.

So I have come up with a theory, now this theory may just explain my behavior but I suspect it may explain a couple other people’s behavior as well. I think for me, when I’m not with the person, I work on myself one because I live spending time with myself and two because I enjoy working on myself and personal growth, it’s something I’m very passionate about. Somehow in the midst of all that I assume that this person has been doing the same. It doesn’t have to be a passion of theirs or whatever but it could be something they do because it has to be done. But as long as the end result is growth/maturity then what difference should it make right?! Same way we apply our shortcomings to people I think this works the same way, so how do we cure ourselves of this foolishness?! Good question I’m glad you asked that.

Write a list of all the things that made you guys part ways the last time, this is not one of those write a list then burn it, no no no, we need that list on record. Write it, include all the things and when he comes have your list on hand says you want to be friends forest you know, you want to take things slow or whatever and during that study the person. Do they still have the qualities that put you off?! If they do then that settles that and if not then stay friends all in all I must make something clear, try and try again may work for a lot of things but relationships I assure you is not one of them. Take it from someone who has tried it and failed.

The relationship power conundrum

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Maybe it’s just me but I believe people think that the power in a relationship is with whoever loves less. How many of you agree with that statement by a show of hand?!

If you agree then a few things could be true. 1) you’ve been hurt and turned into an emotionally closed off person. 2) you are with the wrong person 3) you are too young to understand what a healthy relationship should feel like and/or 4) you don’t love yourself enough to love another person as they ought to be loved. Now I know that some of you are suffering from all four of these and for everybody else I want you to understand that this may still speak to some of your traits one time or another.

First, let’s get this out of the way, that statement is wrong. This is not what I think, this is what I know to be true. For those of you who don’t read the Bible I honestly almost feel sorry for you because the Bible gives us real examples of what pure love is; real love is the kind of love that comes from God. That is the love of which I speak. It looks like Abraham staying by his barren wife, It looks like Hosea staying by his harlot wife’s side, it looks like Jesus being crucified for the church. The very church that persecuted him to die. Now I’m not saying any of you should go around dying for people, I don’t approve or recommend that at all but all I’m saying is that emotional maturity and God’s guidance gives you true love.

No one will say to you that true love is easy but it’s not hard in the ways that we think. True love shouldn’t hurt all the time. Yes, you will need to stay by this person’s side and grow but when they tell you they love you, you should be able to believe it with all your heart and soul, there should be no doubts and if there are doubts then ask yourself why.

A lot of the time our gut feeling will tell us all there is to know because our souls know all because our souls are eternal and have been around for a long time so it knows and it is able to tell us a good thing from a bad thing. If someone you’re with is withholding affection to have the power in the relationship then friends listen to me if only this once, leave them. They want all the power right?! Then they’ll have even more power without you. Don’t play that game, that game where you’re always on the losing side because the other person is the one who makes all the rules and you find that everyday you’re playing a different sport and the odds are just never in your favor. You don’t have to live like that. Take some time out to love yourself and understand what that feels like, having unconditional love for yourself.That way, you will have a gauge for someone else loving you and when it doesn’t feel right, you’ll know before you get hurt. You don’t have to get hurt, you can choose a love that feels good more than it feels bad. The power is in all our hands. If someone doesn’t want to love you, you have the power to let them know that whatever they’re giving you simply isn’t good enough but more importantly, you have the power to walk away.

 

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I’ll meet you at the 🔝

So when I’m bored and have run out of important things to do I scroll through people’s whatsapp statuses and I have come to find that some of those provide the best writing materials believe it or not. I have this darling friend who like me has had her fair share of tried and failed romantic encounters who had a very interesting status update. It was something about being so tired of loving and failing at love that she had decided she would conform to some other kind of love, the kind called “I’ll meet you at the top”. Funny thing about all this is that I had never before heard of such arrangements, that’s one and two friends, this could never work.

Don’t scowl at me I can see the appeal trust me I can but while you are there building yourself and he or she is building themselves some place else there is someone by his side just as there is someone by her side. Someone who is in her corner cheering her on no matter what. Someone who brings her coffee because he knows that she was up all night. Someone who was there when she failed and got up and went at it again. Someone who got down on his knees and prayed with her, someone who patiently waited when she told him she wasn’t in a space to date so instead of leaving to go work on himself, he stayed and worked on himself by her side, watching her and taking care of her as she needed to be taken care of.

Now let’s fast forward this to years later, there is the guy who stayed and grew with this girl let’s call him Richard and there is the other guy, let’s call him Kevin. In all honesty, who do you think she’ll end up with?! And let’s assume the guy had a similar situation on his end, do you think they stand a chance?! Let’s even sweeten this deal and say they tried I can tell you this right now it would t be to last. We humans are built a certain way, we are built to grow fond of the people who are by our side when we are at our lowest. I should know, I met my best friend when I was at my darkest time 7 years ago and she was the best thing that happened to me. I could do anything for her if she asked so you see, this dreams of meeting at the top are just that, dreams.

Love is overrated.

I was having a discussion with my child the other day. Not my real child, my metaphorical child and she is just as brilliant as her metaphorical mom. She and I have been obsessively watching Grey’s Anatomy, well she recommended it to me and I fell in love hard with the show. From this very brilliant show is where our conversation started from. She quoted something that at the time made absolutely no sense to me because I just wasn’t in that space so I told her to explain it to me and when she did it was like multiple sirens went off in my head and vibrated throughout my entire body. It was just such an “aha” moment I had to pause and catch my breath before I ofcourse decided that it was brilliant and must go up on my blog immediately.

This is why it’s important we think about the friends we keep because they are the people who help us grow, but only when we choose people who are sharp, people who live to challenge us and the way we think anyway I digress. The quote that got both our attention was Meredith’s mother telling her that anyone can fall hopelessly in love but not everyone can make an outstanding, phenomenal surgeon. Every surgeon can’t be the best, you have to choose to be the best. It’s something you have to fight for, you have to work for, you have to sacrifice for; you have to earn it.

The reason why that caught my attention is that like Meredith some of us, if not most of us are so focused on finding love any kind of love really, it could be the short and sweet kind, it could be the kind that eats you whole and owns you until the day you die, either way, we are all looking for it and maybe it’s time we all had a reality check.

Love doesn’t pay the bills, it doesn’t keep the lights on or gas the car or keep the water in the taps running. And like Meredith’s mom said, anyone can fall in love, you just have to let yourself but there is passion in other things, it can be found if you really want to make something of yourself, there is more than one way to make your life count. This whole piece sounds like I put my friend’s brain and mine together and this is what we came up with and it comes off as a little sharp but I am okay with that, Sharp has always been my style. Keep in mind that in this day and age no one will write about you having the greatest relationship. They already did a couple of centuries ago about two morons who both wound up dead, remember that? That was enough.

There are so many things I want us to talk about, this is just the beginning. Some of you may agree and some of you may disagree and that’s fine. Most of life I have learned is subjective, not objective, value over fact so it’s okay to agree to disagree sometimes. Be that as it may, my point is simple. At the end of the day, you could chase this love until the day you die and find you were chasing the wind or you can focus on who you are and what you do and make sure that you give your all where it counts. You can’t find love, it finds you and if it never does just remember that love is overrated and even if it isn’t, keep saying it to yourself and someday you might actually believe it.