Yes I know all about the “burn his/her things”, lose weight, channel your anger or whatever in the gym or whatever, “the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one”, come on now don’t be bashful I know you’ve heard all these fads before. Now I can agree with the gym part but everything else is garbage, yes that is inclusive of the weight loss part. If he/she didn’t want to be with you at 70kg, they sure don’t deserve you at 65. Now, all that aside can we talk about what’s really wrong because focusing all your energy on the outside while you’re dying on the inside is like washing a dirty cup thoroughly on the outside and ignoring the inside and then being angry when no one drinks from it. Ofcourse no one will, it’s filthy! It could make someone very very sick. Now I hope you get the gist here, after a breakup, we all become the dirty cup.
There is nothing wrong with breakups, sometimes things just aren’t working and you both know it, only that most of the time only one of you is brave enough to say it. And sometimes it is for the better because you can’t get better while you hold on to this broken situation, you know. All that being said, it doesn’t make breakups hurt any less, they still hurt, even when you’re the one doing the breaking up. It hurts because of the time you spent with this person that’s now gone forever, it hurts because you’re losing the person you used to speak to every day, it hurts because all the plans you guys made have been reduced to nothing. It hurts because you’re hurting someone that you loved deeply, that you’re hurting someone you probably still love, someone who made a great impact in your life. Do you get a general idea?
Coming from someone who has gone through this a couple of times, here are some of my personal broken remedies, they help, I promise.
- Pain demands to be felt. Allowing yourself to feel pain doesn’t make you weak, it only means you’re hurt, it means you’re human, it means you have feelings and that’s a good thing. It sucks to be hurt but it’s okay to admit that you’re hurt, it’s okay. Don’t deflect it, let it in, the only way around it, is through. The only way to truly heal is to first admit that you’ve been hurt then to apply whatever ‘ointment’ is needed to make it better.
- Take time to heal, take as long as you need. I know you’ve heard the saying hurt people, hurt people. Hurt people only hurt people because they didn’t take the time they needed to heal. Healing takes time, it takes longer for some than others and that’s okay. Heal at your own pace, could be weeks, months or years, that’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less than you are. It doesn’t take anything away from you either and when someone comes along too soon, don’t date them for two weeks then tell them you’re not into it, be upfront about it and let them know you’re healing from a previous commitment and that you need time, maybe a lot of time. Communicate as overtly as possible don’t leave any room for guesswork or maybes, it’s not fair to the other person.
- Forgive yourself for your part in sinking the ‘ship’. It might have been your fault that the relationship didn’t work, speaking from experience, this is especially hard, I cheated and I remember the hardest thing was me being able to forgive myself. I remember saying how it was his fault and not mine, that it was his fault I cheated, yes I know cheaters looove pointing fingers, they love saying how its everyone’s fault but their own, I know so… I know and it’s hard but accept the blame, because the blame is, in fact, yours to accept, be an adult and take responsibility. You made a mistake and now the consequences are yours to bare and that’s okay. Accept and forgive yourself, find a way to forgive yourself, only then, can you forgive the other person.
- Go back to the crime scene and understand what exactly went down. Whose fault was it? Was it yours? Was it his? did you cheat? Okay, why? Are you not ready for a committed, monogamous relationship? Were you just bored? Or maybe you’re just emotionally immature. Look at it objectively, don’t be on your side and don’t be on his side either, be the relationships advocate, critic and judge based on what would have been done differently to make the relationship survive and not only that but survive and last. Okay good now that you’ve seen the problem, how does that affect your next relationship? Learn, I mean you’ve already been hurt so deeply the least you can do for yourself is make sure that you’ll do better the next time. Use it to grow. Use it to work on yourself. It’ll be so good for you, you won’t believe the difference in the end, I promise.
- Forgive and let it go. Now that you have forgiven yourself, it will be easier to forgive him or her. It doesn’t matter that he cheated or that she cheated, just forgive the whole thing and let it go. Notice that I didn’t say forgive and forget, no you better remember that shit because when they come back and tell you the way they’ve changed, you’ll have a list of all the reasons why you walked away in the first place. Don’t make a habit of letting yourself get hurt. Remember how it feels when you first say those words out loud or hear them the very first time. It literally breaks you inside, you can almost hear your heart cracking and exploding in to a million little pieces, it’s so surreal it’s almost like everything stops, your heart included, and you’re just in this space of hurt and complete and utter betrayal, so if you remember all that, don’t make a habit of being broken because it can numb you to the pain and the minute you start going numb, then you can’t feel the good things either can you? You can’t connect and that’s when they say you’re broken so you know, be careful.
In the end, it sucks, it sucks all around for both parties I assure you because when a relationship fails, you both lose, there are no winners in a break up [remember that]. Especially if you were in a meaningful relationship. I assure you it’s a big deal to the both of you and there are no magic cures. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to work for it, You have to want it, you have to wash the cup on the inside too, you have to keep moving forward, you have to forgive yourself, you have to forgive the other person too, you have to find a way to let it go, you failed and that’s okay. But it does get better, you’ll wake up one day and not remember they even ever existed so… it’s okay :).
PS: If this spoke to you on any level, personal or otherwise please like and share. Thanks for stopping by❤❤❤!