My girlfriend and I have been on two opposite sides of something very important. Something I needed her support on, something I needed her to get behind, because somehow I had convinced myself that if she could just get behind it, if she could just tell me that she was okay with it then somehow I would be okay with it too. I was looking to her to defend it, to give it pro points so it can be worthy enough to me but she didn’t. Instead she attacked it and told me of all the reasons why I am on the wrong side, that I am making the wrong choice, quick disclaimer though, life is as unpredictable as change and if I am infact wrong, then so be it. Then I’ll be wrong, I’ll be knocked off my pedestal and I will pick myself up as I have before and my life will go on as it always has, but if I am right, and I let this very important thing go because I am here waiting for someone else to see how amazing it is, how it challenges me in ways that I didn’t expect, how it is teaching me all these things that I couldn’t even see, because I didn’t want to see any of it, because the one person who I wanted to think and feel for me was feeling what felt to me as wrong, and who’s fault is that?
Of course it’s all my fault! Because I can’t have someone thinking for me, what’s my brain for? While she’s thinking for me where do I park my brain? What is so important, that while I think of it I have to outsource all my other thoughts to my friend? Seriously what is wrong with me? It’s almost laughable except it only makes me want to cry, because all this is so sad. To have done what I was doing, I mean it yielded the result that it did and in the end, I have learned so much but the process is truly brutal. To look at myself and want to slap myself so hard, or sit myself down and give myself a stern talking to for being so lazy and mediocre and whatever the opposite of enlightened is. It’s funny, my mother had to quite literally beg me to read Conversations With God and now I live by it, and now because of it, I am being introduced to myself each day. It’s because of this beautiful book that I came to this very conclusion.
The conclusion here is that to be great, to be enlightened, to be of independent thought, to be the me that I aspire to be, I can’t be who I was, I can’t be the girl to say “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it”, that can’t be who I am if I aspire to be someone capable of making her own choices. I simply can’t be lazy about it. I have to sit down and ask myself the hard questions and come up with answers for myself and own the consequences they yield. I have to be the one to decide; what I’m doing, where I’m going, who stays in my life and who leaves, because no one else knows what I know, no one is on the same journey as me, so no one else can make the choices on my behalf. I have to be a big girl about this, about all of it, and think for myself, because that’s what big girls do.