HOW CONFLICT CAN BE A GOOD THING

So a while back I wrote an article on conflict and resolution and I promised that I would write about how conflict can, in fact, be a good thing. I know that there is prevailing bullshit that happy couples don’t fight but rest assured that even the happiest couples have conflicting opinions once in a while and it is needed, it is necessary, it is healthy. Conflicting means that the two of you have conflicting opinions once in a while and that’s okay, that’s totally okay, it doesn’t mean anything other than in that one instance you guys have different opinions. So in that same breath, I will have to explain why I think conflict can be good for a couple.

  • Conflict inspires growth. How though? I am so glad you asked. When a couple has a fight over pretty much anything, and they are able to solve the dispute amicably then you and your partner have to grow. And what is growth in this instance? Progress, from one point to another and isn’t that the point? To be able to move forward.
  • Conflict also inspires relationship Satisfaction. You are able to fight over the things that make you unhappy and find a way to make them not as annoying or as irritating to you. Fighting or voicing your grievances allows you to let your partner know exactly what you want, exactly what they can do to make you happy or happier, it’s important, see my point?
  • What is a relationship without boundaries? Boundaries are needed they practically deserve their own star on the walk of fame. Boundaries only come through conflict and if you never fight then how will the other person know what they can and can’t do, how will they know where the line is? This is important. It’s very very important.
  • Conflict Reveals motive. You will never be able to tell what a person is really about or after if you never disagree on anything. Conflict reveals motive, because if he or she is about you, then a fight won’t chase them away, they will stay and you guys will work it out but if they are out to waste your time then the fight will be completely unproductive.
  • Conflict inspires Self-disclosure, you find yourself explaining why something pisses you off so much and your partner gets to know you better. Some of the time you find that the thing that pisses you off, pisses you off cause of something so much deeper than you thought and it turns out to be a bonding moment instead of a bashing moment for you and your partner.
  • Conflict inspires self-disclosure which in turn inspires Intimacy. Talking about the real reason behind things, revealing things that are deeper than the surface will bring you and your partner closer together. He will understand you better, or she will understand you better and because you were open and vulnerable with them they feel closer to you which is how people get intimate. This I how people become friends, more of it will make you best friends, now you know how that goes.

Okay, so what have we learned here? Conflict isn’t the red, large horned, long-tailed devil it is made out to be. Conflict is good conflict is necessary. Conflict allows us to grow in our relationships, it allows us to self-disclose, it allows us to set boundaries and it reveals the other person’s motives but above all, it gets us closer together it makes us get intimate, now who doesn’t want that? I know I do!

 

I hope you learned something here today, I hope you hit that like button big time and share this with your friends. Bisou bisou💋💋💋.

 

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THE OPPOSITE SEX BESTFRIEND

In all honesty, I can’t say that I have an experience with this. But I must say; from the little drama, I have seen I thank God that I haven’t had to deal with this. I only say this because I know that this is a real issue!!!

One of the main reasons why I love my cousins so much is that [1] They are guys so I get a lot of the male perspective on a lot of things and that [2] They are all straight, so they can actually be of help to my blog. Anyway, the reason why I brought this up is because thanks to one of my cousins who I don’t know whether to accredit or not this month we get to talk about this and Fellatio[blow jobs] so stay tuned for that.

He said that there was this girl he liked but he can’t date her because she has a male best friend. At the time I thought he was being narcissistic. But after a while, I got to think about it without him around and I was like well maybe he was onto to something. Mr. I’m so confident feeling insecure about this, there had to be something there. So let’s look at the best friend role with a magnification lens, shall we?

What is the role of a best friend? Well, let’s take a look at me and my best-friend. She is always there for me, she knows my entire family, even the in-laws that have married into it and the babies that have recently joined the family. My family adores her and consider her one of us. She has seen me on my good days and very very bad days, she has taken care of me when I was sick, she complements me even when I have put on a little weight, she has loved me through all my boyfriends, she knows what makes me mad and what makes me happy. But most importantly she always knows what to say. That’s what I love about her the most. Just following this short paragraph sounds like this best-friend and I should get married right?!

You see that’s the thing with best friends, they are people we are in love with each other. Yes, I said it, friends like these we are constantly falling in and out of love with each other and that’s what makes this such a tightrope. How many times have I wished for my BFF to just turn into a guy and we can just elope? I hope the problem is becoming clearer and clearer. But, regardless of all this, I wouldn’t ditch my BFF so that some nigga’s ego can feel good. Fudge him and his ego!!! But you must weigh the situation for yourself. Is this guy worth you creating boundaries between you and your best friend? Is your girl-friend worth you telling your best-friend to take a back seat? I won’t even lie, it is a slippery slope for all involved because if you create boundaries between you and your best-friend things will never be the same again. And please keep in mind that part of what makes you and your BFF so close is that there are no boundaries. All I’m saying is, it really comes down to this best-friend you have, are they worth it?

 

As for me, I love my BFF to death, she is worth my kidney, liver and everything else. I don’t care how often she and I talk. In my prayers, I remember to ask God that in another life one of us is a dude and the other a chic so we get married. She is that amazing and no guy can compete… But you know… It doesn’t hurt to try. 😉

 

 

TOXIC FRIENDS

 

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Okay can we just take a minute to talk about this? You know up till recently I wasn’t even aware that I was in fact in a toxic friendship, so let’s begin looking at this from the beginning so we can all tell whether or not we are or have ever encountered a toxic friendship. But before we do, it should go on the record that there is very little difference between a toxic friendship and a toxic relationship so the things we discover here are applicable to relationships as well. Also, I’m not a psychology major/expert/doctor so this won’t be discussed exhaustively but it will be discussed as extensively as I possibly can.

So what does toxic even mean?! It means poisonous and no I’m not even making this up. So that means that Toxic relationships and toxic friendships are in fact poisonous. They are poisonous to you, to your health, to your mental health, to your self-esteem. It’s like trying to cultivate on poisonous soil, nothing will ever grow. So already, in a nutshell, toxic friendships are bad they aren’t good for us we shouldn’t strive for that because we are worth more than just a poisonous friendship right?!

So what are some characteristics to watch out for in a friendship you suspect is toxic?!

Unilateral communication. Are you the one always reaching out? Do you feel like the friendship is one sided? Do you feel like you are trying too hard? Then it’s probably no the friendship for you. You need to take a step or ten back. Look at the bigger picture what is this you are trying so hard for? Is she worth it? Is the friendship worth the trouble? If so then you have your answer and if not then… you also have your answer.

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Hostility. Goodness you guys I could to you about this for days. Have you ever had someone who is so mean you have to be like “yo! Chill the fuck out!!!” yes my ex-friend could be so fucking mean so mean that I was at a loss for words which anyone that knows me would tell you is damn near impossible but sometimes she’d just be a grade a BITCH she was just going through so much I wasn’t really in a position to tell her but you know what, I don’t care what you’re going through, you don’t turn your gun fire on the people in your corner.

Selfish. It is always their show and it is always their turn. It is always their turn and their problems are always bigger than yours.

Negativity and feeling drained. Have you ever talked to someone then immediately after you feel a thousand tonnes heavier? Like their energy is so heavy it literally weighs you down? Or is it just a me thing? I guess I am pretty sensitive to people’s energy I guess I just wanted to be her friend so I ignored the thick poisonous cloud that is/was her energy. Toxic friendships are characterized by negativity, negative energy, and negative vibes. Damn, looking back I have no idea why I was trying *confused emoji*. She was so negative and I like positive vibes I give positive vibes. lol, I’m the kind of person that would try and find something positive out of even the most fucked up situation and that’s the kind of person we all need to be and we all need to befriend. Life is too short for negative vibes.

Guilt tripping. Dare you do the wrong thing, you will never hear the end of it. They are the kind of people who will never let anything go. They will hold things over your head until the second coming and hen demand forgiveness when they hurt you and give you ultimatums to coerce your forgiveness. Seriously, why do we befriend such people?*confused emoji*

Lack of trust. Is it possible to trust someone who is constantly mean? I don’t think so. No trust will develop and what is friendship without trust? It’s wasting time, that’s what it is.

Constant criticism. The last person who you need telling you you’re doing everything wrong is your friend. Friends are to support you and love you and care about you unconditionally unless you’re doing something that is harmful for your life. Then they have to say something but typically they don’t exist to criticise your every move.

Brings out the worst in you. Argh! She used to bring out the worst in me. You all know that misery Loves Company she would spread her negativity and her hostility and with time I started being hostile too and negative because no one is immune to overexposure to a toxic person, the poison will penetrate if you linger, remember that.

Unhappiness. Of course you’ll be unhappy in the friendship, there is nothing good that can grow out of poisonous soil. Nothing and if something does grows then be extremely weary of it. It’s probably more poisonous that the soil itself.

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So what’s the point of all this? How do I conclude?! Well by saying that no one deserves to be stuck or trapped in a negative/toxic friendship. We all deserve better. All of us. Keep an eye out for these signs and constantly weigh the friendship, constantly ask yourself what you’re gaining and what you’re losing. Is it worth it for you to stay?! Is the friendship so great that you can withstand the costs?! If so then you have your answer and if not then you know what to do. One thing that I can say with confidence is that I am so much happier now that she’s no longer in my life. That’s how bad it was. I am happier alone/with the friends that I’m currently keeping. I know that walking away is hard it’s not something that’s easy for anyone, even when you know that walking away is the best thing for you to do. So walk away if you have to. Save yourself and if they ask you can blame it on me. Life is too short to be trapped in a toxic friendship.

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Thank God for GIRLFRIENDS❤

It seems as though the universe was just waiting for my people to have a minute them give me my fair share because as soon as they were done having their thing it was my turn. I was having a moment with… it’s difficult, let’s see where a good place would be to begin.

Okay so you know how when you are mad at someone you play all these different kind of scenarios, each worse than the last, you ask yourself questions and answer them yourself or ask the wrong people or is this just a me thing? Sometimes when you’re seeing someone and you just don’t want to ask them questions just because they are already so many in your head you wouldn’t know where to start and also because you’ve been talking about all this with yourself so long that you don’t feel like you need to ask because you already know, and to top it all off you ask your girlfriends and none of them has anything positive to say?

Anyway, that was the situation. There I was having made up entire stories having filled them in myself and I was seething mad I couldn’t think straight and I know a lot of us do this all the time. We fill our minds with lies and then get so mad for quite literally nothing.

There I was, pacing up and down my room contemplating what I would do with all this “information”. Should I break up with him or confront him about all this or should I just keep quiet? Or maybe I should just forget all this and become a lesbian. Who needs all this noise? I was losing my mind and as if God knew, duh! Of course he knows, he sent my girlfriend over. She could see I wasn’t going to be good company that night so we talked about what was eating me up and I was just like “babe just tell me what to do. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it and if all this blows up in my face then so be it because I am not in a position to think rationally”, and just like that she put out the furnace. At that moment although I already knew that I loved her, I felt a love more profound than I could possibly express. Thank God for girlfriends, thank God for people who can tell us what to do when we are not in a position to make rational decisions for ourselves.

 

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This should go without saying just FYI.

 

Social support

It’s funny, you know sometimes I marvel at the things that I have come to write about. Recently it’s been feeling like the people around me are having a hard time with stuff, all different stuff but struggling all the same and it really got me thinking about social support. First of all, I will say that being able to emotionally support the people I love, has been such a learning experience and it has really helped me grow.

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Secondly, I know that when most of us are having a hard time, our first instinct is to crawl into our caves of safety and just regroup or worry and panic and for some of us fall into depression and I only know this because that’s exactly what I do. I don’t know how to ask for help until I feel like I am actually dying inside and that just shouldn’t be the case for anyone. Granted I didn’t have anyone who made me feel safe enough to just let go and be vulnerable but still, no one should let it ever get that bad. Ask for help, you’d be surprised how many people around you love you enough to drop everything and just be there for you.

Here is what brought this on…

I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends, she’s having an interesting time dealing with some pretty heavy stuff and as she opened up to me I remember thinking I am so glad I get to be here for her, I am so glad she doesn’t have to do this alone, I am so glad that I am strong enough to be someone’s rock. And I know, leave it to me to make someone’s story all about me but to get back to the point, it made me curious about social support and all that stuff.

First of all, what is social support?

Social support is the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network.

So what’s my point in all this? Social support is important and the easiest way to receive it is by giving it to the people around you who need it. I found that there is good evidence that social support plays one of the biggest roles in mental health as well as overall wellbeing. Also, that social support helps reduce feelings of isolation depression and anxiety and that individuals who experience social support are happier. Isn’t that great?

Untether yourself

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I hadn’t planned on writing this but the one thing that I love about being a blogger is that inspiration comes from everywhere and when it does you receive it with arms wide open.

I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day and it rang so close to home about an incident I have dealt with personally. A lot of times when we meet people who speak to our souls we tether ourselves. We play out scenarios in our head and we make plans and most of the time with no consideration for the future. Now, this is not to say that we shouldn’t plan, we should absolutely plan but if we have plans involving someone else, then maybe run your plans by them and see if you guys are vibrating on the same level and if you aren’t that’s okay.

And the second thing is that sometimes we are in these ….

Okay, maybe I should start with telling you guys what brought this on. My former best friend and I were friends for seven years and at that time I remember fighting tooth and nail just to keep us together because of the history that we had garnered over the years and because of my loyalty to the friendship. I don’t know how many of you are loyal but for those of you who are then you understand my dilemma. In my head, there was no way I could walk away from this friendship even though we had nothing in common. Even though the friendship wasn’t adding any value to my life, even though it wasn’t challenging me to grow anymore.

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I had managed to tether myself to it, and to her. All alone I chained myself and convinced myself that the only way I could move forward was if my former best friend was in my life, the only way I could grow is if she remained in the picture and so I was stuck, because everything was showing me that the only way out of this cage I had built for myself was if I let her go. Even though she and I had our official breaking up in August it’s something I had been mauling over for the past year and a half. I knew that I wanted to be free but I just couldn’t untether myself. I’m not sure what the exact message here is but I am hoping that you can decipher it for yourself. I don’t want you to be a prisoner to anyone or anything. I want you to be free, to grow, to flourish and to shine and the only way you can do that is by untethering yourself from that situation or that person you have convinced yourself you can’t live without.

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Most of the time we have the strength to do pretty much anything and what makes us limit ourselves is not that we’ll fail, it’s that we’ll succeed beyond all our expectations so instead of bursting out of our cages, we hide in cages we have built for ourselves and make excuses and then feel sorry for ourselves. I can tell you with full confidence that untethering has great rewards. Once I was able to let go of my dead friendship I made new ones that challenge me and force me out of my comfort zone constantly, and in a good way. I’ve made Friendships that sharpen me physically, mentally and spiritually and that’s just what I needed. This is my story but I’m certain you have yours. You know what you are tethered to and I am telling you that it’s time to untether yourself, and more importantly, it’s okay to let go. I know you think you’ll fall but I know you’ll fly instead.

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Good friends

You know my favorite thing about growing up is growing up. I love how it feels to know better and not kick myself when I’m down. That was a side note. Today, we are talking about friends and how to distinguish the good ones from the other ones who are in the regular pile. We all know what friends are right?! But what makes a friend a good friend?!
A good friend is supportive but at the same time a good friend will challenge you. I think to me this is the most important aspect of a friendship. Having people around who challenge me, not just regular people, people I call friends. Your friends should challenge you to be better because that’s what good friends do. They keep moving the goal post for you if you won’t move it for yourself. This is where I think guys fall short because guys don’t want to be challenged, they want to be comfortable. But in truth and without bias we all want to be comfortable, a lot of the time we don’t have it I ourselves to push the boundaries of comfort and mediocrity. This is where the good friend comes in. They know you, they see the problem and they come to help.
A good friend is there when you need them. You need to realize that your friends are human beings, they aren’t part human and part psychic. Don’t expect them to read your mind. If you need them let them know. A good friend might not always be there when you want them but they will always, always be there when you need them. Remember that.
A good friend will tell you when you are wrong. This is needed. Not only that but is super important. Life is a series of choices. Everything is a choice. The most important thing you can have is someone who can help you through some of those choices especially when you are making the wrong one. This is very important. A good friend is not afraid to not be on the same page as you because they know that your relationship is built on a solid foundation.
A good friend has your best interest at heart. In all honesty this one needs no explanation. They have your best interest at heart period! They want what’s best for you even though it might not be the best thing for them. And before this is taken out of context let me give an example. The other day my best friend told me that she has an opportunity to leave school for a semester to work and this would mean that I won’t be able to see her at school anymore but I told her to take it anyway because that opportunity might be the only one for a while and I wouldn’t want her to miss it for anything.

 

 

 

PS: To all my new followers, Thank you and welcome to the family. All my love.