This valentine’s…

Hello beautiful people or is today not the day to call you that?! By show of likes, how many of you thought you’d have a valentine’s this year but don’t?! Lol it happens, how many thought they wouldn’t have a valentine but did?! How many don’t care it’s valentine’s today? Very good, thanks for playing. So here’s the tea, it really doesn’t matter. If you have a valentine yeeey you if you don’t and you wanted to have one do something about it. The only thing I am against is you feeling sorry for yourself. If someone didn’t ask you to be their valentine then maybe you should ask them, or someone else, make someone else’s day, it’s good for the soul, I assure you. I know this from experience. Sometimes even when you’re sure there is still room for surprise. And that’s okay, it’ll sting a little but as long as you’re still alive it’s all good.

I know that when this day comes our self-worth is put on the balance and it is weighed based on whether or not we have a valentine. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave that would unbrain-wash all of us but there is not. You have to do the work on your own, create your own standards. Your not having a valentine says nothing about you other than you don’t have a valentine. However, choosing to feel like you’re less worthy because you don’t have a valentine, on the other hand, is another story altogether. Ask yourself why it’s so important that you have a valentine. What is it you wanted them to give you?! And is it something that you can give to yourself?! Yes, ladies and gentlemen pun intended💯. Whatever it is from roses to breakfast in bed, to orgasms, if it’s something you can give to yourself then do that.

I know there is something about having someone else do things for us that makes it feel good, feel really good but we have to be able to tell ourselves those things and do those things that we require someone else does for us so that it’s not a big deal anymore. So that we don’t need it so that it does not decide how we feel about ourselves. Tell yourself you look beautiful. Tell yourself you look sexy, or that you have a nice ass. You know you do so why does someone else have to say it for it to be true?! I know it’s hard so here for today allow me to help you out a little. You look beautiful. Your make up is totally on fleek. You are killing it in that dress. Nice ass!!! You look so handsome today. And of course, you give me wild thoughts😉.

There feel better?! Now go get yours. Fuck valentine’s expectations, you are complete just the way you are.

I don’t say this enough but I love all my readers. Yes, I don’t know all of you but I love you all the same. Please like this and share let’s makes sure we keep the suicides this Valentine at an all-time low. Thanks for stopping by😚😚😚.

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THINGS FALL APART…

Don’t run away just yet, this is not the kind of piece you think, and plus you didn’t let me finish. Things fall apart to fall in place.

If I wasn’t the one writing this I would never believe it. I know that even to me it is brushing up against the makes no sense line but I promise you it does make sense and you have to believe me because one, what I write here is true and two because in order to show you just how true it is I will have to share so much of myself so yes for that you just have to believe me. Okay as I had thought about writing this article initially it was going to be pretty general but given how I am feeling right now I think it should be relationship based. I don’t know if this is just a me thing or do you all experience it to some degree. Every other aspect of my life could be booming but my love life is a mess, like all the time. It’s like I am capable of doing pretty much anything including being a superhero but give me a relationship and watch me fail. Lol please tell me it’s not just a me thing.

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Anyway despite my being a spectacular failure at relationships I did manage to realize a few things along the way.

  • You need to grow or grow some more. First, let me be the first to say that relationships are tricky even for the experts. I would imagine that even if you get someone who has really matured/advanced/grown in every aspect, growth is very very relative and there will come a point in time you’ll realize that you just don’t see eye to eye on something be it big or small. Anyway, that’s just an overall consolation for all of us. Okay, so I know that a failed relationship is a bummer no matter how you look at it but I assure you that most of the time relationships fall apart so that something far greater can come together. I have always felt that relationships are a place for all of us to grow and most of us do and some of us don’t and that’s… weird. Anyway sometimes we peak in a relationship and we realize that there is just no more growth going on and whether we realize it or not when you stop growing in a relationship you get unhappy and the relationship may/will fall apart but it’s only because you need to grow some more. Growth, personal growth is the point to life. Constantly graduating from one level to another is the point and even though at the time it will suck, it’s for your own good or should I say for your own growth.

 

  • Greener pastures. Lol first allow me to laugh. Who I’m I laughing at? I don’t know maybe myself maybe all of us. I don’t know who poured this poison in our blood at conception but as humans, we always feel as though the grass is always greener, why? Someone needs to explain this to me, slowly and delicately as though they were explaining it to a two-year-old. It should go on the record that I believe that the grass is green where you water it and that’s all there is to that. However, there is the not so rare instance where you know you’re getting a raw deal in which case the grass is greener over the metaphorical fence. Every single day, remind yourself just what you are worth, and work on yourself. As you expect magic make sure you’re your own kind of magic as well. And always give your best no matter what and when you know it’s not the best that you’re getting, pack your little bags, metaphorical or otherwise and leave. Sometimes the grass is greener. Sometimes things fall apart so you could find someone better someone who is worthy of you. You have to believe it. You have to convince yourself that you are in fact worth all the things you desire and that your demands are reasonable. You ask because you know what you have to give and that it’s worth everything you’re asking for so let it fall apart. Speaking from a fighter’s perspective sometimes it’s okay to admit defeat.

 

  • Freedom to be yourself. Have you ever been in a relationship where you are constantly giving up parts of yourself? And I don’t mean things like you used to sleep around and then you stopped because now you’re in a relationship, or you used to drink a lot and had to stop/cut back for the sake of the relationship, I mean giving up actual aspects of your personality for this person you are with until you can barely recognise yourself. Like you used to be so kind but this person inspires the unkindness in you or you used to have such a nice sense of humour but after years of criticism you just don’t feel the same way about your sense of humour or you used to like art and they don’t so you decided you don’t like art anymore too. I may not be some love guru but I know that relationships that make us give up parts of ourselves are toxic! And doomed to fail. You should be free to be yourself. Any relationship that doesn’t allow you to do that is a relationship that’s not worth your time. Sometimes relationships fall apart so you can have the freedom to be yourself again. So when it happens as soon as you’re done pouting, be grateful. The freedom of being able to be ourselves is I think the most fundamental of freedoms.

It’s hard to hear things like this [especially when we are not ready to walk away even when we are unhappy. There is a song that says that there is an addictive kind of sadness and I think we have all encountered it at some point;] it’s almost upsetting at the wrong time but the bottom line is, sometimes things fall apart so other things, better things, greater things can fall in place/come together. It might not feel like it at the time and that’s an okay thing just as long as you let it happen in the end by being grateful for how things went down in the first place because, at the end of the day, God, the universe or whatever you believe in has your best interest at heart.

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Thank you so much for gracing my blog with your presence, if you liked this please hit the like button below and share this with your friends. See you soon❤❤❤.

 

DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME

Gratitude, be grateful. It’s the simplest thing in the world I think but at the same time, I think it can also be the hardest thing in the world to do. I think it’s harder for some people than it is for others and I may not know all the reasons why but I think one of the greatest reasons is that the minute you decide to be grateful you realise just how spoilt you are and just how much you have and how big of a whiner you are. Yes, I said it! Shoot me if you will but it’s absolutely true, most of us are blessed beyond measure. Everything we need, we already have and everything we want is totally within our reach but do we opt to be grateful, no, never, we would rather complain and whine about the bad things happening that usually are small and insignificant and that mind you happen to everyone and probably way worse than you.

Anyway enough of the scolding, I had an interesting week. I ran late to leave the house all week long and didn’t miss the school bus once, I thought about that, I thought about that long and hard and decide that being grateful is something I should write about again, yes I did write about this sometime last year I don’t recall when but I think it’s time for a refresher course and what better time to decide to be grateful than at the start of a new year? We can all do this right by starting our year with gratitude trust me it’s good for the soul. I did the gratitude jar challenge last year and it was wonderful so this year I decided to do a gratitude journal challenge instead and last year I was in some random group for women but this year I’m doing the challenge with my sister and I couldn’t be more excited.

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So I could go on and on about this but can we just talk about why being grateful is awesome?

  1. It’s totally free, duh! And come now people who doesn’t like free things? Seriously though who doesn’t like free things? I know I do. Here, I challenge you to start the gratitude challenge with one of your friends or siblings or co-workers, doesn’t matter who just get you a partner. Being grateful is good for you J and if you can do it with someone even better!!!

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    You don’t have to start so far, you can just start with the fact that you are alive today 🙂
  2. It makes you feel good. Being grateful, acknowledging good things produces happy hormones in our bodies which we all know are good for us, they reduce our stress levels and help us deal with our daily life issues so much better so why not be grateful and start dealing with things better today?Image result for gratitude
  3. Attracts more things to be grateful for. I don’t know what the science is behind this but I know for a fact that most of you would agree with me on this. Appreciating good things attracts more good things. Big and small without discrimination. This is one of the things that I learned doing the gratitude challenge for the first time last year. You guys just have to try it, it will change everything.Image result for gratitude
  4. Helps you appreciate the little things. I would have never been able to appreciate something as small as catching the bus when chance of me actually catching the bus that morning are slim to none, but when you start being grateful for it the event is somehow illuminated, it becomes something that you can see, as opposed to living your life as a robot and you know just going through the motions as most of us do these days.
  5. Slows you down and allows you to see the bigger picture. Most of us are working very hard to achieve this o that or the other thing but how often do we remember to get out of the rat chase and evaluate? Or just even to appreciate our progress? I have never really given much thought to the fact that, the longer my days are, the more tired I am, the more I feel like everything is spinning out of control the more I forget what the whole point is. The faster my life is moving the more I forget what the bigger picture actually is. I don’t know if it’s the same for any of you but this is how it feels for me. What gratitude did/does for me is it allows me to review the events of my day, it totally slowed me down, gave me time to actually look and see what it is that has me moving so fast and reminds me of what the bigger picture actually is and I think, no, I know it will do the same for you.

Being grateful or rather choosing to be grateful is the best thing anyone could choose to do for themselves. It is like a master cleanse for the soul or nothing like that, every time you do it leaves you feeling totally refreshed and well… thankful.Image result for gratitude

 

 

Be grateful, do it for me, but more importantly do it for yourself. Thanks so much for stopping by. Don’t forget to hit the like button below and share this with someone who you know needs gratitude magic in their life.

CONFLICT AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION

I think one of the hardest things to accept is that the longevity and development of a relationship are heavily dependent on the way the couple handles their fights. And speaking as someone who has been in a lot of relationships that worked until they didn’t I can say this with certainty. The longevity of a relationship is in fact heavily determined by how the couple deals with conflict. There is so much I have to say about this because as I told someone, I can’t recall who, conflict is something I know so much about. Conflict is actually something a lot of people know a lot about because anywhere there is more than one human being there will be conflict at some point and that’s just the way it is. And conflict doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Conflict can be good for a relationship I will write a whole other post about the many ways in which conflict can be good for a relationship but for now, let’s just focus on how we go about conflict as opposed to how we should go about conflict. So, how do we go about conflict?

  • Let’s assign blame. This one is my favourite. I love how when something goes wrong it has to be someone’s fault. Thanks a heap Adam now because of you, we love to point fingers and assign blame. Listen this doesn’t do anyone any good. Saying it’s all someone’s fault doesn’t do anything for the relationship. Tell them what they did, they did A, B and C fine that’s what they did doesn’t mean the whole thing is their fault, and even if it is, saying it a hundred times over doesn’t induce progress. The only thing assigning blame does is it causes peoples defenses to go up and that’s not nice, it makes it hard to communicate rationally when either of the partners is busy defending themselves.

 

  • The deflection game. Lol, all niggas unite!!! This is your absolute favourite thing to do and I think all guys can agree. Something needs to be discussed but because he knows he did something wrong he brings up something from the past to deflect you from the issue at hand. Listen if you don’t want to be in a relationship then don’t be, it’s that simple, deflection doesn’t work because even though you deflect the issue that one time the issue will come up again and again and again until it is discussed so do yourself a favour and take the high road.

 

  • Allow me to manipulate you. Lol manipulative relationships; this is something I could write a book about. Keep your eyes peeled open for this one people. This one is the most dangerous of the negative conflict resolution strategies because it literally eats away at the relationship and just makes the whole thing toxic. How do people use manipulation to resolve conflict? Silent treatment comes to mind, using something from the past to make your partner overlook the issue at hand and many others. If I were to list them all we would all be here until lent so I shall spare you all but this is the one you ought to look out for the most because it’s the most subtle which makes it like a gas that slowly suffocates you.

 

  • Coercion, drop it or else! This one is pretty self-explanatory and pretty obvious and this is my advice as far as this goes if you try to settle an issue and the guy is like if you can’t drop this then maybe we shouldn’t be together, please take the not be together option. The least you can expect from any relationship is peace of mind.

Okay, now that we know exactly how to NOT go about it, how should we go about it? I am so glad you asked.

  • Apologise. Conflict will arise because there is something that two or more people don’t seem to agree on and that’s an okay thing but usually when the conflict occurs because it is someone’s fault the very first thing to do is apologize. I heard somewhere that the opposite of shame is humility and maybe that doesn’t sound as profound to you as it does to me but there is something about apologizing when you have wronged someone that is so totally freeing. There is no shame in apologizing in fact it makes you the bigger person, it is good for the soul so if you have any hope of resolving conflict, first apologize.

 

  • Open and honest communication. Raise your hand if you hate the silent treatment. God, I hate the silent treatment perhaps cause my mom used to give me the silent treatment as a child as a correction tactic and God do I loathe it as an adult. When something is wrong, remember the most basic thing which I think we are all taught in kindergarten, to use your words. And remember words cut like a knife so choose your words with kindness in mind and remember that no one likes a potty mouth. Use your words to communicate as overtly as possible and be extremely objective and stick to the issue at hand. Write it down if you have to so that your partner knows exactly what the wound/ problem is. Understand that no one is able to read your mind so speak up, state your problem and then go from there.

 

  • Active listening. I think this one is mostly for guys and some women like my mom, people who have a tendency to check out of a conversation especially when they’re in trouble. Active listening is a very big part of positive conflict resolution. Active listening is what lets you know exactly what your partner is mad about and understand that if you don’t know exactly what your partner is mad at you’ll never really know how to make it better. Active listening means eye contact, response when needed, an occasional question for clarification if needed, and means you are present. No one likes being scolded but if it’s for the sake of the relationship, just listen. Be present. Show your partner that you care about the problem and that you want to find a solution together.

 

 

  • Reason, rational. Have you ever tried to resolve something with someone who is incapable of being rational? It is the hardest thing to do and most of the time no one wins, even the irrational person winds up losing. You need to be able to reason things out. Try to be as objective as you can and remember that the person who needs to win is the relationship so be the relationships attorney. Be very specific about what the problem is so that equally specific solutions can be found.

 

  • Acceptance and Understanding vs judgment. Most of the time when there is conflict both people are coming from a place of perhaps anger and other negative emotions so the thing is, take a little time to cool off. Both of you need to agree on how much time you need to cool off in order to have a conversation from a place of authenticity. And indefinitely is not an acceptable answer. Cool off so that when you guys come back to talk it’s from a place of acceptance and understanding. This allows for empathy. Without empathy, nothing really is resolved because there will always be residual negative feelings and those eventually will kill the relationship.

 

  • Compromise. Even as I added this here it with a lot of skepticism because not all issues can be resolved with compromise but where it can be in fact applied I encourage it. I even had to pull up the definition from Google just so we are all on the same page about what it means to compromise.

compromise

ˈkɒmprəmʌɪz/

noun

  1. 1.

an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

“eventually they reached a compromise”

synonyms: agreement, understanding, settlement, terms, accommodation; More
  1. 2.

the expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

“sexism should be tackled without compromise”

 

  • Win/win solutions. I know it tempting to think of compromise and win/win solutions as the same thing but I promise you they are not. Looking for a situation where both partners can win is looking for what makes one person happy and something that makes the other person happy and finding a way that you both can get what you want, exactly what you want. Just understand that most of the time they might not all happen at the same time but as long as in the end, they do happen.

In sum, this is my point. There are positive strategies to resolve conflict and there are negative ones. Negative one’s poison and eventually kill the relationship, positive ones bring understanding and growth to the relationship, so we can all agree that positive conflict resolution tactics are what we want in our relationships. Understand that resolving conflict is for the good of the relationship and if you are in a relationship that makes you feel otherwise then maybe you should rethink your relationship status because at the end of the day a happy healthy relationship is the point.

 

As always thanks for stopping by. I sure hope this was insightful don’t forget to hit the like button below and share this with your friends❤❤❤.

 

 

 

I’D RATHER BE THE ONE YOU CHEAT WITH

You know there are pieces I sit on for fear of coming off as unrelatable and judgemental. I don’t want to come off a this person who thinks of herself as holier than thou because I’m no saint myself, and lol if there is anything y’all can tell from my blog it’s that but this has to go on the record before I could really get into this piece. I know we are all human but we all have to draw the line somewhere right? Mine is marriage as I have said before and as I’m sure I’ll say again and again, I respect the institution a great deal. But I especially respect the wives for keeping the home together, the woman is often the glue, not always but most of the time which is why I am always on their side, all other prejudices aside.

I was watching some series last year and this girl said that she’d rather be the one the guy cheated with than be the one the guy is cheating on and I was like that’s the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life and I’ll tell you why, if he isn’t all yours then he’s cheating on you too as the side wrench don’t you think? Because he doesn’t come home to you, you guys don’t have anything solid do you? Anyway that’s how long I’ve been wanting to write this. First let’s have it on the record that it’s wrong, because you are helping break vows and that makes you a bad person. It makes you untrustworthy and malicious. It makes you unvirtuous, it makes you a harlot it makes you a homewrecker, and that’s the truth. And no matter how you might feel about the rest of this piece the highlighted portion of it remains unchanged no matter how you try to justify it. But if we are going to talk about this a little more here are more of my thoughts on this;

  • It’s really not about being right or wrong, it’s about being your brother’s keeper. It’s about doing right by you. When I had all those married men telling me sweet nothings about how the wife would never know, about how they would take care of me and this that and the third all I thought was my sister is married, having an affair with this man is the same as some other girl having an affair with my sister’s husband, how would that make my sister feel? Would that be fair to her? Would that be fair to my niece or nephew? Even though she could get over it would the kids ever get over it? What’s the difference between this married woman I don’t know and my sister? Nothing!!! That’s what. They are both innocent in all this, all they did was make a decision to trust someone who isn’t worthy of that trust and that’s not their fault. But the least I could do is choose to take no part in their selfishness because once you go down that road it gets real slippery real fast. And choosing to help in their selfishness makes you selfish too. It makes you more responsible for how things go down because you have the choice to say no, you have the option to keep your knees glued shut, you have the option to look at this innocent woman as your sister and show her the same kindness you would your own blood sister, you owe yourself that much.

At the end of the day, these demons we create for ourselves we are left to battle all alone because I assure you as soon as he’s done, guess where he’ll return? To his wife, to his kids to his home, and while he sleeps well at night all you’ll have are nightmares of just what a horrible person you are and guess what, you’ll be deserving of it all, that much we can agree on.

 

  • It’s got nothing to do with the wife but everything to do with you. At the end of the day I think homewreckers lie to themselves that it’s got nothing to do with them you know, that it’s the wife’s fault for not wanting to sleep with her husband as much as she used to, that it’s the wife’s fault for punishing her body through child birth, it’s her fault for letting herself go or her fault for not doing enough in bed so he has to go look for it someplace else. See that mentality? Lol that’s why you’ll never be anything more than what you’re choosing to be now. Being someone who has cheated before in a relationship I know the blame game extremely well, you’ll want to cheat, do the wrong thing and then say how it’s everyone’s fault but your own. Ofcourse the minute you make it out to be everyone’s fault it becomes more and more clear that it’s all your fault. Cheating has nothing to do with the innocent person who is being cheated on, it has everything to do with you, the person who is doing the cheating, you the person who is doing the breaking of the trust, you who is doing the betraying, you who’s given more trust than you deserve, you who deserves to be alone and have a blessing that oughtn’t be yours. It’s all about you. And the fact that you’re empty inside, so you keep telling yourself that if you can just get something more maybe it’ll be enough but it never is, is it? Or is it that you never got enough attention as a child? You weren’t told that you were pretty so you think taking that which doesn’t belong to you makes you superior somehow? What is it you tell yourself?

 

  • If you were your daughter would you approve your behaviour? Let’s try something a little closer to home. Maybe you’ll never get married but surely you’ll be reckless one time and wind up with a baby, accidentally o on purpose, what if it’s a girl, she grows to your age then is telling you how she is sleeping with married men, lol I bet that would make you so happy right? You’d tell her to keep it up because God just loves it when you break unions bound by him in front of friends and loved ones. You’ll applaud her for having the right values, for being kind to the wives of the husbands she sleeps with. And better still if you have a son. He meets this beautiful, warm, kind, smart woman who you approve of because she loves your son with all her heart and soul and she’s genuine then what happens, lol ofcourse your son has a wondering eye, just like his mommy :] lol I bet that would just warm your heart, watching this amazing daughter-in-law get her heart crushed because your son just can’t keep it in his pants. Or worse still, watch him give her HIV/Herpes/HPV because he was too selfish to say no, I bet that would just make you the proudest mom in town right?

 

  • Someday you’ll be the wife and even though you’ve begged for forgiveness and Jesus of course forgives all I’m not so sure about the lady karma because every unkind act is a debt on karma and she will always come to collect so think about that the next time someone’s husband tells you the way his wife will never know.

I know we tend to be very short-sighted sometimes. I have done some foolish things in my day so I’m not saying that I’m better than anyone but the truth is what it is and regardless of how you might feel about me/this article, the truth remains :]. At the end of the day, kindness is the one trend that will never go out of style. That woman you are about to hurt may very well be your sister or your mom. You can choose a different path, there is no such thing as not having a choice. And cheating has nothing to do with the victim, it has everything to do with you and your inability to say no, choose kindness or be the bigger person. You chose to be easy, you chose to give away you virtue like free t-shirts at a concert unless he pinned you down and made you. Karma will always come to collect and when she does, lol you’ll will you hadn’t.

 

As always thanks for stopping by, don’t forget to hit the like button below and share❤❤❤.

 

EMOTIONAL SCARS

 

So a while back, a long while back after writing my married men on tinder piece someone asked me who hurt me and I was so offended, I’m still offended. Is it rocket science that the wife’s side is the right side? No!!! I didn’t think so either. I turned those married men down NOT because some married guy hurt me but because I thought their behaviour was shameful and disrespectful, I turned them down because I respect the wife and I respect marriage as an institution and I look forward to being married someday and when that day comes I won’t be distracted hiding from karma. Dear married men on tinder shame on you and shame on you again, and as for the person who asked me the foolish question, you have your answer J. Now in the midst of being upset and catching feelings and all that it got me thinking about emotional scars, why I don’t really know. Maybe it was because often we don’t properly heal from bad relationships and when we don’t, bad things happen.

I have said this time and time again, if you’ve never really been in love then none of this will make any sense to you, it will all just seem like things that have been exaggerated you know, it will all seem like overreacting but I promise you it’s not I actually almost wish it was. Sometimes you fall in love with someone and it feels like, to quote Julia Roberts in eat pray love, “it’s like when the magician performs that trick where he jumps off the pole and dives into a cup of water disappearing completely”. Sometimes it feels like you’ve been swept off your feet and you only feel them under you after you’ve been dropped with a loud thud that leaves you completely broken, sometimes it’s that great big love, the one that’s worth changing for, worth crossing oceans for, and when that person breaks your heart you can almost feel it cracking inside your chest, lol I know the few of you who understand what I’m talking about are nodding your heads and the majority who don’t are like “what a drama queen,” “How so very melodramatic” and that’s okay.

Now when this great love leaves you or when you part ways, the both of you, it’s very likely that scars will form over time because when wounds heal some of them leave scars and that’s what I want us to talk about today. Ofcourse I won’t talk about them all because if I were to do that we would be here all month long and no one wants to spend that much time with any one person I’m I right? I came to understand that when you lose someone like that, like the one I’ve just described, when you lose them I think it’s called ambiguous loss, it’s when someone is gone but they are still here. Losing someone like that will feel like they’ve died, so you have to grieve them, that is my point. Yes, you have to go through the motions, get angry, cry it out, do whatever you need to do to accept what’s just happened and when the wounds heal these are some scars that remain, the doozies i.e.:

  • Heart burn. Unfortunately, our hearts aren’t fireproof, I wish they were though, we probably all do. When a relationship ends, everyone loses. I have said that before and I will say it again. I don’t mean that relationship where he’s cheating or she’s cheating and everyone knows it and everyone just wishes they’d break up already and stop wasting everybody’s time, I’m talking about that relationship that makes everyone drool and hate their life, I mean the kind where they seem so happy they make your lonely self feel suicidal, that’s the kind of relationship I’m referring too. Yes, those also break up, you’d be surprised. Point is when your heart is set ablaze and not in a good way, it will burn, there are no two ways about it, and that’s okay just put the fire out and nurse it. There is no heart that is burnt beyond repair otherwise divorced and widowed people would never have any chance of remarrying so just don’t be too mean with your heart. Guarding it is one thing but keeping it from experiencing love ever again is another thing altogether. Your heart will heal in time, in time everything heals so let it, and then be open to love again. I wish I could tell you that you’ll never be hurt again but lol I’m not God but in any case falling in love is the riskiest business in the world so my advice is, invest wisely and take that leap of faith, because if there is something I’ve witnessed is that off the right cliff, the net will appear. I promise❤.

 

  • Bitter shrew. Don’t be bitter, get better. As I have said time and time again, learn from your experiences. Ofcourse I’m not the best at taking my own advice but hopefully one of you is better at it than I am. It is so easy to go to the dark side, but you have to remember to keep choosing love. It’s not easy but it’s not impossible either. How do you do it? I am so glad you asked. By surrounding yourself with positivity, watch comedies and stand up comedies, laugh, spend more time with your family, not the crazy side that criticizes you all the time and will talk about your ex on a loop, the good side that is team you and just wants to spend quality time with you. Watch romance movies that all have happy endings. Reprogram your brain and your heart to remember that NOT all relationships end in heartache. It’ll hurt at first, you won’t be able to get through them without crying or breaking something if that’s the kind of person you are but it gets easier I promise. And because you’ll be feeling genuinely sad, cry it out just don’t allow yourself to get depressed and stay depressed. Keep making an effort to put a smile on your face 😊.

 

  • Stuck in time [I’m stuck]. I know from experience that you will be tempted to be stuck. When you love someone who means the world to you and then they decide they just don’t want to be with you any more L, your heart stops for a moment, for that split second time stands still and that’s where you go back to, over and over again, so that when someone new attempts to come close you go back to that dark place, that hurtful place and re-live one of the worst moments of your life on a loop , don’t do that to yourself. You are human you will be tempted to do so because I know from experience that you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. Don’t do that to yourself, grieve, then put that chapter of your life away and start over.

Start over even with yourself. Who are you without them? I know we change when we are in love/in a relationship, we go conforming certain elements our personalities to this other person so that our persons mesh together better but they aren’t here now so who are you without them? Do you still like horror movies when you’re alone? What’s your favorite colour? What’s your favourite kind of music? Discover yourself, you just might find you love the you that’s without them 😊.

 

 

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MOTHER KNOWS BEST.

WHAT MOTHER SAID.

I love talking to my mom. She may or may not know this but she is my absolute best friend. She is a petite strong woman, very opinionated, very tough and my reigning female role model. She’s my favourite person to talk to about relationships because her advice is one of those that echo in your mind days, months and years even after she’s said it, that’s the kind of person she is, she doesn’t like to think of herself as intense but lol in hindsight she is pretty intense anyway, here are some of the most beautiful lessons I picked up from what my mother said.

  • Everyone comes in a package written take me as I am. In the end, we don’t just want love, which is why there is a song that goes sometimes love just isn’t enough. We also want acceptance. I think we all need that comfort, notice I didn’t say want, I said need because what we want and what we need are two very different things. We need acceptance, we need to be loved for all that we are, tall, short, skinny, thick, chubby, smart, geeky, judgy and everything in between. We need to be accepted, it’s why marriages we look up to fail when one person stops accepting who the other person is. Understanding that she won’t always be the girl you fell in love with, understanding that you won’t always be the man who swept her off her feet, and as long as it hasn’t changed you into another person, acceptance is key.

 

  • Be kind. Mother always says that kindness will take me further than anything else. This is a hard lesson for me to learn but I try every day because she probably knows what she is talking about. Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Learn how to be kind to yourself then you will know how to be kind to your ‘neighbour’ [bible reference]. There is a bible verse that reads, from the overflow of the heart, so the mouth speaketh it means we give what we are full of. What does that mean for me and you? Fill yourself with love, fill yourself with kindness, fill yourself with good things because you can’t give what you don’t have. You can only give that which you have, you know, charity begins at home and all other quotes and sayings that apply to this. Be kind above all. Kindness breeds kindness this much I have witnessed. Be kind to that woman you love, and be kind to the man you’re with.

 

  • You attract who you are, who you are being and who you are not. Mother says that at any one given point in time you can attract three kinds of people/situations. You can attract who you are, you can attract who you are ben in that instance, be it spontaneous, wild, kind, generous, understanding, just whoever you’re choosing to be in that instance or you can attract who you aren’t so you are reminded of who you are. Say you’ve just gone through a self-love journey you could attract a woman or a man with body issues who will reflect the person you aren’t anymore. Lol I hope this makes sense. When my mom and I are talking in these crazy philosophical terms we get each other, I hope you get me, I hope I’m reaching out to you in a way that this can make sense to you.

 

  • There are no mistakes, only lessons. I know that as we go through relationships sometimes things don’t go as planned. And I’m not talking about things between you and that guy or girl you weren’t really into, I’m talking about that person that made you want to make plans, the kind of person that makes you want to introduce them to your family, so I know that sometimes we meet these people, fall hopelessly in love only to have our hearts broken, well mother says that in as much as that will hurt us, we are to take it with a grain of salt. Don’t get stuck or get swallowed by the ordeal. Learn from it. You’ll be fine, yes feel the pain, that’s okay just don’t pitch a camp there, fix your heart, all a million pieces and find a way to love again. This time someone who will hold your heart and not drop it. There are no mistakes in life, only lesson, some more painful than others but lessons all the same.

 

  • When it’s right you’ll know. I know this whole thing has been complicated so much over time but the bottom line is that when I right, you’ll know. You’ll know because it will just flow. You’ll know because he will care enough to make an effort. You’ll know because he will always show up for you, you’ll know because you won’t have to ask about the basics, you’ll know because you will be his top priority always, you’ll just know. You won’t have to ask silly question like why didn’t he call, why didn’t he do this that and the other because the truth is that the right guy knows you are worth the trouble, you are worth the wait, you are worth it because you are his, and to any real man, that means something, that means everything.

 Yes I know, she’s a very smart lady my mom. She gives the best advice and she always knows what to say. You may pout about some things I’ve had to say/ my mom has to say but the truth is the truth, especially that last part about the guy, and how you’ll know the right guy lol that was hard for me to hear but in the end, she was right, she is always right about these things. If you read this mom, I love you. I’m so glad you’re my mom.

 

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