IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME😒[issa lie!!!]

Uh, first of all, let’s leave the bullshit in 2017, it’s not me it’s you and you know it!!! Thank you, that is all.

Hello beautiful people happy 2018, I hope you are all doing excellent and starting 2018 with a bang and if you aren’t well,… it’ll come to you and if not, oh well. So I was watching one of my favorite movies of all time “letters to Juliet” [for people who will ask, yes, it is a rom-com and a hardcore chic flick so watch it at your own risk]. As I was watching it I couldn’t help but notice how much bullshit the female lead character had to endure and in the end she had the nerve to give the guy the “it’s not you, it’s me speech” and in my head I was yelling it’s him it’s him it’s him!!!!! Wtf?!!!

Can we talk about this oh so famous five letter speech? I have so many thoughts going through my head about all this I hardly know how to organize my thoughts together but I’ll give it my best shot. As my 2017 came to a close it of course came to a close with a bang. A blast from my past happened as I’m sure some of you can attest to the same, and yes that ordeal does have something to do with all this. There is something that my mom always says when something happens be it good or bad, she asks me what I’ve learnt from it, whatever it is and because of that question being asked so incessantly and because of one of my favourite movies and because of my blast from the past, we have this post today.

When the blast from the past happened it reminded me of something very important, I’d say it taught me something very important but that would be inaccurate because the thing it brought forth was something I already knew but somehow didn’t practice when I was with this particular person but thanks to my mom, finally as the year came to a close the lesson came full circle. I was reminded of who I am of how special and brilliant and excellent I am, that I am worthy of good things, that I am worthy of having everything I want, worthy of a relationship that works, worthy of someone who will give me 100% because I always give 100% and I deserve nothing less in return, it’s funny because a lot of brilliant, excellent women find themselves in similar situations but perhaps to be reminded or taught different lessons, but for me, I realised that it wasn’t me, it was him.

And for all the people out there who don’t deserve to be lied to, let’s be brutally honest with them this year, don’t be shy, you have earned the bluntness, say it IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU!!!

Disclaimer though, I have no intentions of making unkind people out of you, I have been brought up and taught that kindness will take me place and you by extension so that speech is not for that sweet man or that sweet woman who you just can’t make it work with, no, this new version is meant for that bum or that woman who is not trying, who is in and out at the same time, who says things they don’t mean, who makes promises they don’t intend to keep, who lie through their teeth, who are unworthy of your love and your time, who will end up with exactly the person they deserve, the person who is not you.

I don’t think this is something any of us are taught but we have to understand that it’s not always our fault, it’s not always my fault and it’s not always your fault, sometimes it’s that other person’s fault for letting you down, sometimes we just choose wrong and that’s okay, because sometimes people market themselves as things they are not, like some new Colgate my mother bought that promised to be all the things but turned out to be garbage, you see, its fine, we all make that mistake at least once in our lives and that’s okay. The only problem is when we choose wrong and accept that it’s the best you can do, that it’s the best there is. When you start having such conversations with yourself, then it becomes your fault.

Lastly, don’t just pout about it, learn from it, you chose wrong, why? What was it about him that drew you in and what was it about him that pushed you out? What was it about her that made you an idiot? And what was it about her that made you see her for who she really is? These are hard questions, unpleasant ones to hear but they need to be asked and answered and by you, no one can do this for you if you have any hope at all of moving forward.

 

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Dear married man on tinder

I have been so hesitant to write this because I have been feeling so lazy and salty but mostly salty I was unable to organise my thoughts in a way that would come off as objective and for the sake of my loyal/O.G. readers and for my sake when I go through my old blog posts, I opted to do the thing that I would regret the least which was to wait out the anger and the bitterness and now in retrospect, the laziness as well. So,… married men I’m I right?

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Okay so recently I reactivated my tinder account , I found that I was bored and I needed someone[s] to talk to at 3 am in the morning and the one person I did want to talk to was incapable of giving me the attention that I needed so for all those reasons tinder and I were fast friends again. Before my train of thought is lost can I just say, married men on tinder, shame on you. I know that some of them may say they are there to network and this and that and the other thing but at the end of the day tinder is a dating app and dating apps are for single people, people who are infact not married, which is what I thought was the definition of single.

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Now the reason I am so salty is because this is how I look at it, you met this girl, you courted her for however long and you liked her and eventually fell in love with her and you were so in love with her, so proud of her that you thought your whole family should meet her and that was not enough you decided she should meet the extended family you know, see where you “really” come from and then as if that was not enough, you decided that you would pledge your love for her in front of all your family and friends and tie your life to hers, FOREVER. You decided, no one else, no one has ever walked down the aisle with a gun to their head, no one I know anyway, so you choose this life you are in, you chose to be married.

 

Perhaps you think this makes you cool, let me assure you it only makes you stupid.

 

And as if that’s not enough, let’s look at this from your wife’s perspective, she met you and chose to take you as you were, no real money, no real vision for a future, with your smelly socks that had one too many holes and those boxers you’ve had since you were in high school, she decided to stay anyway, and endure your snoring and smelly feet and your poor use for money and your irrational love for football and your loud, roudy and perhaps irresponsible friends and yet she stayed. She stayed and made you a better man, she made sure you had food to eat as opposed to eating at Mama Nani’s Kiosk and made sure she upgraded your boxers to something from this decade and for some of you men, your wives endure horrible mother-in-laws and sometimes even cruel ones and for what?

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For you to be on tinder hitting on 20 something-year-olds in the name of “Nah I’m just here to network and make new friends”. Rubbish!!! If that’s all it was your wife would know about it and better yet she would/should have a tinder account too. So you can both network and make new friends. If you are a married guy and any of this speaks to you, first of all, shame on you, shame on you for looking for what you already have, shame on you for taking advantage of a young girl who is someone’s little girl, just like your little girl if you have a daughter. Shame on you for ruining the sanctity of marriage. Shame on you for taking what I assume is an amazing woman for granted. Shame on you for being selfish. Shame on you for being a bad example to your son. Shame on you for doing a bad thing on purpose. Shame on you!!!

Can people really change?

I think the popular word on the street is that people don’t change. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard growing up all these years. They even sing it in frozen that people don’t really change, but I disagree. I think that if people are capable of growth, then they are capable of change. Because what is change? And what is growth? I have always thought they were reflections of each other in some way.

Change

tʃeɪn(d)ʒ/Submit

Verb

1. Make or become different.

Grow

ɡrəʊ/Submit

Verb

Come into existence and develop

Develop

Dɪˈvɛləp/Submit

Verb

1.

Grow or cause to grow and become more mature, advanced, or elaborate.

“Motion pictures were to develop into mass entertainment”

Synonyms:          grow, evolve, mature, expand, enlarge, spread, advance, progress, prosper, succeed, thrive, get on well, flourish, blossom, bloom, burgeon, make headway, be successful

Okay first I love words, I love how some words marry each other, and it’s just so fascinating. Anyway I digress, so back to what we were talking about earlier about whether or not people change. Let’s look at the three words I’ve pulled out if the online dictionary. Grow, change and develop. See how they all turn into the same word? Honestly it is quite amazing; all to say that if you are growing, then you must change, you can’t grow without developing and you can’t develop and remain the same person you’ve always been, it just isn’t possible.

So what brought all this on? That is an excellent question. I was watching the Mindy project last night it was the last episode of season 6, by the way if you’ve never seen the show you should totally check it out. Anyway, she was giving a toast at her co-workers wedding and she was talking about how these two co-workers weren’t meant to be together before but they were now because people grow, people change, and the funny thing about it is that it happens so gradually that you almost cant… and then she had an epiphany and ran out of the wedding.

In that moment while she was having her epiphany it made me realise just how profound all that is. It got me thinking about someone who once upon a time I thought was my happily ever after. I thought about them and about what Mindy had just said and I thought that it was about them and in that moment I had an epiphany of my own, that the profoundness of what Mindy had said was because it was for me, it was about me. About how much I had changed, about how I had grown, about how I wasn’t the person I once was. So in case you didn’t believe it, take it from me, I am a living testimony, people can change. If they can grow, then they can change. And if they refuse to grow, then it’s not your job to make them. I know that was women we have this line we say to ourselves, I can change him, no honey, you really really can’t. The only person who can change him, is himself. And it’s not your job to make that happen either, your only job is to grow yourself, and to continue to grow.

 

 

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Expectation VS reality

 

The growth process, expectation Vs REALITY

 

So a while ago I did a bad thing. I knew it was bad the whole time but I did it anyway and the funny thing is that I wasn’t sad about it, I didn’t feel guilty or anything like that which is funny to me because I typically I’m very hard on myself. I like to kick myself when I’m down and hold myself up to the highest possible standards. And now here is the irony of it all; this one time that I don’t do any of the things that I would typically do, I had an epiphany. Instead of the kicking and self-loathing, I just observed my behavior and asked myself why I would do something that I knew was wrong. Not in a tone to suggest judgment just pure curiosity and a yearning to understand my actions.

I never really noticed this until just now actually as I am typing this that the meditation I have been doing may have had something to do with all this. One of the quotes from my meditations said that we aren’t able to reach enlightenment until we are able to observe our thoughts and actions. And honestly, I think this article is a testimony to that. As soon as I took a step back from it all and observed it wanting to understand, I was able to see the truth in it all. The truth was that the growth process is not at all what I thought it was. It’s not a straight line that only moves forward. Its perhaps more complex than I thought. I realised that it’s okay to take a step back during the growth process because it’s not until we are faced with situations that we have dealt with in the past that we can truly see the growth in how we are able to deal with the same situations differently, better, with more wisdom.

 

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Staying vigilant and persistent on the fact that at the end of the day, Personal Growth is the point, the MAIN point.

 

Therefore it’s okay to make a mistake, just as long as, you use it to grow. As long as you take a step back to really look at it from every angle and ask yourself, why you created this situation, why you attracted it to your life and more importantly, what the situation has to teach you.

Think for yourself

 

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I suppose this is the journey I’m now on

 

My girlfriend and I have been on two opposite sides of something very important. Something I needed her support on, something I needed her to get behind, because somehow I had convinced myself that if she could just get behind it, if she could just tell me that she was okay with it then somehow I would be okay with it too. I was looking to her to defend it, to give it pro points so it can be worthy enough to me but she didn’t. Instead she attacked it and told me of all the reasons why I am on the wrong side, that I am making the wrong choice, quick disclaimer though, life is as unpredictable as change and if I am infact wrong, then so be it. Then I’ll be wrong, I’ll be knocked off my pedestal and I will pick myself up as I have before and my life will go on as it always has, but if I am right, and I let this very important thing go because I am here waiting for someone else to see how amazing it is, how it challenges me in ways that I didn’t expect, how it is teaching me all these things that I couldn’t even see, because I didn’t want to see any of it, because the one person who I wanted to think and feel for me was feeling what felt to me as wrong, and who’s fault is that?

Mine!!!

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Of course it’s all my fault! Because I can’t have someone thinking for me, what’s my brain for? While she’s thinking for me where do I park my brain? What is so important, that while I think of it I have to outsource all my other thoughts to my friend? Seriously what is wrong with me? It’s almost laughable except it only makes me want to cry, because all this is so sad. To have done what I was doing, I mean it yielded the result that it did and in the end, I have learned so much but the process is truly brutal. To look at myself and want to slap myself so hard, or sit myself down and give myself a stern talking to for being so lazy and mediocre and whatever the opposite of enlightened is. It’s funny, my mother had to quite literally beg me to read Conversations With God and now I live by it, and now because of it, I am being introduced to myself each day. It’s because of this beautiful book that I came to this very conclusion.

 

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I think that for anyone going through what I was/am going through, this is probably one of the best pieces of advice anyone could give.

 

The conclusion here is that to be great, to be enlightened, to be of independent thought, to be the me that I aspire to be,  I can’t be who I was, I can’t be the girl to say “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it”, that can’t be who I am if I aspire to be someone capable of making her own choices. I simply can’t be lazy about it. I have to sit down and ask myself the hard questions and come up with answers for myself and own the consequences they yield. I have to be the one to decide; what I’m doing, where I’m going, who stays in my life and who leaves, because no one else knows what I know, no one is on the same journey as me, so no one else can make the choices on my behalf. I have to be a big girl about this, about all of it, and think for myself, because that’s what big girls do.

 

Why so vague though?

 

I’ve been going through my posts and it seems as though I have been so vague but in truth, in as much as I love being a blogger and sharing my world with all who choose to read my blog, being open and honest and vulnerable is still very scary to me. As from the much I have seen and read from other blogs it’s a struggle we share as bloggers, we all have that much in common to some extent but it has gotten to a point that I’ve realised that this is my platform and as such I will share whatever I want to share because that’s why started blogging in 2015, I was dealing with a lot emotionally mostly an I was dying to let it all out. I wanted a place where I could openly assign blame and openly be sad and mad and whatever else I was feeling at the time and that gave rise to fabgalaxy.wordpress.com which later morphed into obdurate.wordpress.com.

So anyway getting back to business this is what I was meant to say, I saw someone, someone from my past, someone who had a great impact in my life. He blew in like a tornado and blew my life around and when he was done I was left to find my ground and my center and t decide who I want to be which is so weird because how did we go from being blown around to choosing who we want to be? Let me explain myself. Sometimes people come into our lives or come back into our lives so we can ask ourselves, I’m I still that person? The person I was when I first met this other person? Is that still me? Have I not grown or evolved at all? And if you haven’t, well then things will fall back in place, the way they always had, and things will go back to the way they were before the two of you decided to part ways but, if you have indeed grown, If you have infact been working on yourself and you’ve been on some evolutionary journey of some kind then you are not the same person, you can’t be, you couldn’t be if you tried. Now maybe that earlier phrase makes a little more sense.

So this person came, I saw him, still as beautiful as I remembered but only on the outside, on the inside, a ghost town, I had never realised that before I was always too smitten, he is just so beautiful to me I couldn’t resist him in the past but fortunately while he was away, I decided to grow, I decided to ask myself who I am now, I’m I still that girl who would choose him over everything? Over everyone? It wasn’t fun, it was intense and intrusive even for me, but I had to do it so that when asked this time I could choose differently, I could choose better, I could choose Lavender’s happiness above anyone else’s.

 

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Thanks a heap indecision😒

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I haven’t been sleeping well lately, all week actually. I feel like last night was the first time I actually fell asleep and slept through the night. But in truth I was so tired it was either I sleep voluntarily or collapse from exhaustion. Anyway, I thought that the insomnia was being caused by my menses which may be TMI but I’d like to think we are all adults here. So anyway I thought that my lack of sleep was being caused by an overwhelming surge of hormones that were running up and down my body but after last night I realized that I might have been very wrong about that.

I’ve been really stressed all week. I was dealing with something that felt heavy to me. I was torn between two choices that at the time seemed like they would throw my whole life out of balance so naturally, they took over my whole brain and ofcourse to add salt to it I had a CAT, the final CAT before I have to sit my accounting finals and so I had that to worry about as well and ofcourse I was having trouble concentrating because of this other thing in my mind so finally something had to give. I read for my paper as best I could, I sat and wrote the damn thing and to be perfectly honest with you I was just glad that I had one less thing to think and worry about. And after that, I just came home and slept. I was incapable of doing anything else. My body was about to give out on me. We [my body and I] had gotten to that place of either give me rest or I take it, your choice.

 

Me all week long

 

Next day after that I spent some time with one of my girlfriends and we talked about all the things and it made me realise that I was looking at everything the wrong way, I was deciding things off of feelings instead of facts and that’s just never worked for me before why would it work for me now? So I sat down with a virtual piece of paper in my mind and I decided you know what? I’m on Lavender’s team and all I care about is what makes Lavender happy and just like that, I made a decision. Little did I know that the indecision was what was preventing me from getting any sleep? Like I said, sometimes complex problems have simple solutions, Thursday night, I slept like a baby.