Good friends

“They might not always be there for you when you want them, but they will always be there for you when you need them. Always. “

You know my favorite thing about growing up is growing up. I love how it feels to know better and not kick myself when I’m down. That was a side note. Today, we are talking about friends and how to distinguish the good ones from the other ones who are in the regular pile. We all know what friends are right?! But what makes a friend a good friend?!
A good friend is supportive but at the same time a good friend will challenge you. I think to me this is the most important aspect of a friendship. Having people around who challenge me, not just regular people, people I call friends. Your friends should challenge you to be better because that’s what good friends do. They keep moving the goal post for you if you won’t move it for yourself. This is where I think guys fall short because guys don’t want to be challenged, they want to be comfortable. But in truth and without bias we all want to be comfortable, a lot of the time we don’t have it I ourselves to push the boundaries of comfort and mediocrity. This is where the good friend comes in. They know you, they see the problem and they come to help.
A good friend is there when you need them. You need to realize that your friends are human beings, they aren’t part human and part psychic. Don’t expect them to read your mind. If you need them let them know. A good friend might not always be there when you want them but they will always, always be there when you need them. Remember that.
A good friend will tell you when you are wrong. This is needed. Not only that but is super important. Life is a series of choices. Everything is a choice. The most important thing you can have is someone who can help you through some of those choices especially when you are making the wrong one. This is very important. A good friend is not afraid to not be on the same page as you because they know that your relationship is built on a solid foundation.
A good friend has your best interest at heart. In all honesty this one needs no explanation. They have your best interest at heart period! They want what’s best for you even though it might not be the best thing for them. And before this is taken out of context let me give an example. The other day my best friend told me that she has an opportunity to leave school for a semester to work and this would mean that I won’t be able to see her at school anymore but I told her to take it anyway because that opportunity might be the only one for a while and I wouldn’t want her to miss it for anything.

 

 

 

PS: To all my new followers, Thank you and welcome to the family. All my love.

Time out

A few weeks ago I had a flood of thoughts at midnight, I call them my midnight  thoughts, lol how profound. Anyway I put up one of them on my WhatsApp status and it went something like “sometimes being on the bench is the best place to be, you get to watch other players make their mistakes and learn from them so that when you finally leave the bench, you know exactly how to win”. Well it went something like that, give or take a word or two reason this came to mind is because I had decided it was a good idea for me to take a break from relationships, romantic relationships that is because I realised that I was dating the same person, different face and body but the same person nevertheless.

First of all, it wasn’t until I took a step back from it all that I was able to see the pattern so already some space was giving me clarity,  and clarity was much needed. The funny thing is that in all those past relationships, I was the common denominator so there is no one to be mad at but me. I got myself into those relationships and no matter what went down, I am at fault for being there if nothing else.

Something else I realised is how much of myself is lost when I was with someone else you know, because I get so involved and somehow the relationship Swallows me whole. So I decided to just be me, to relearn myself/ to date me for a little while and work on myself. I think we all need this from time to time. I have to say, I am so much happier. I am able to tell who adds joy to my life and who brings negativity and/or takes away from me instead of adding to me. It’s become irrefutably clear. I am all round happier and better; Even while I struggle with my time management I am better off. Which ofcourse is scary because now I’m totally gun shy. I don’t want to add anyone to my bubble so that they come with their stuff, their issues and drama that I’m just now done cleansing myself of. Lol why does everything in life have to be a double edged sword?!

Regardless of all of that, I needed this and if you can relate with any of this then you probably need a break too.

Love is overrated.

“Keep in mind that in this day and age no one will write about you having the greatest relationship. They already did a couple of centuries ago about two morons who both wound up dead, remember that?”

I was having a discussion with my child the other day. Not my real child, my metaphorical child and she is just as brilliant as her metaphorical mom. She and I have been obsessively watching Grey’s Anatomy, well she recommended it to me and I fell in love hard with the show. From this very brilliant show is where our conversation started from. She quoted something that at the time made absolutely no sense to me because I just wasn’t in that space so I told her to explain it to me and when she did it was like multiple sirens went off in my head and vibrated throughout my entire body. It was just such an “aha” moment I had to pause and catch my breath before I ofcourse decided that it was brilliant and must go up on my blog immediately.

This is why it’s important we think about the friends we keep because they are the people who help us grow, but only when we choose people who are sharp, people who live to challenge us and the way we think anyway I digress. The quote that got both our attention was Meredith’s mother telling her that anyone can fall hopelessly in love but not everyone can make an outstanding, phenomenal surgeon. Every surgeon can’t be the best, you have to choose to be the best. It’s something you have to fight for, you have to work for, you have to sacrifice for; you have to earn it.

The reason why that caught my attention is that like Meredith some of us, if not most of us are so focused on finding love any kind of love really, it could be the short and sweet kind, it could be the kind that eats you whole and owns you until the day you die, either way, we are all looking for it and maybe it’s time we all had a reality check.

Love doesn’t pay the bills, it doesn’t keep the lights on or gas the car or keep the water in the taps running. And like Meredith’s mom said, anyone can fall in love, you just have to let yourself but there is passion in other things, it can be found if you really want to make something of yourself, there is more than one way to make your life count. This whole piece sounds like I put my friend’s brain and mine together and this is what we came up with and it comes off as a little sharp but I am okay with that, Sharp has always been my style. Keep in mind that in this day and age no one will write about you having the greatest relationship. They already did a couple of centuries ago about two morons who both wound up dead, remember that? That was enough.

There are so many things I want us to talk about, this is just the beginning. Some of you may agree and some of you may disagree and that’s fine. Most of life I have learned is subjective, not objective, value over fact so it’s okay to agree to disagree sometimes. Be that as it may, my point is simple. At the end of the day, you could chase this love until the day you die and find you were chasing the wind or you can focus on who you are and what you do and make sure that you give your all where it counts. You can’t find love, it finds you and if it never does just remember that love is overrated and even if it isn’t, keep saying it to yourself and someday you might actually believe it.

Because you allow it.

 

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she asked me what seemed to be a rhetorical question at that moment but turned out a little later on that she actual wanted an answer. She asked me why she was considering dating a “scrub” when there was a perfectly good guy who was pursuing her. I didn’t have an answer for her right away because there were so many things crossing my mind that I just didn’t know where to start.

Ofcourse eventually the words came to me and the first thing that came to mind that I should write about it because this is something I have struggled with before only that I deal with things on my own. We only date guys who are utterly useless for one reason, BAD SELF ESTEEM. That all it is. I know that we all categorise bad self-esteem differently but I have found from past experience that people only date people who put them down and hurt them when they themselves are already good at doing it to themselves; hurting themselves and putting themselves down.

The law of attraction works for everything we do and applies to every aspect of our lives whether we are paying attention or not. We can only attract who are. If you have low self-esteem you’ll attract more self-esteem issues. That’s when you find yourself dating a bum or someone who thinks you are fat or worthless or all those bad things that I clearly can think of right now. Funny thing is that we get good at masking bad self-esteem but deep down we know the truth and it will reveal itself in the things we say [it will reveal what you think] and the people we surround ourselves with [show me your friends and I will tell you your character].

Now that we have talked about the problem extensively let’s talk about the way forward. When you find yourself in a similar predicament here is what you do.

  • You take time out to work on yourself and your self-esteem.
  • You drop that bum like a hot pan and…
  • You meditate on the amazing person that you are because you are amazing and no one can make you feel that way about yourself. Only you can do it and until you do, you will only date bums and scrubs and guess what? It will be all your fault!

Love understands

This isn’t something I planned on writing on this particular blog unlike my other blog [fabgalaxy.wordpress.com] in which romantic relationships were the lifeblood and the backbone. But I was talking to my friend the other day and it got me thinking because it was a situation even I could relate with even though I’m not currently in a romantic relationship.

So a little back story, my friend has recently met someone new and she has just been through so much that she has become somewhat paranoid. She is so scared of letting herself be happy even just for a second because she feels like if she did that, everything would be blown to hell and the saddest thing about all this is that I understand as I’m sure many others do and because of this I simply had to write about it because I know better.

For the longest time, I used to think that love as the warm fuzzies and all that but I was wrong. I don’t know what that is but it certainly isn’t love. It certainly isn’t love. And if you choose to view that as love then I am fairly certain you will go on being disappointed by it. The kind of love that is marketed to us everywhere we look is the captioned type. The kind where people are posing in a moment when they look perfectly happy, perfectly in love and that’s why we have all become so foolish. It is also why we are still single, myself included because we are all waiting for something perfect and yet we all know that perfect doesn’t exist.

It will never be perfect, make it work.

-life.

That is the best quote I have ever encountered and just perfect for this article. Love is choosing that person you want to be with and it’s choosing them over and over again. Love is saying no to people who want to ruin what you have. Love is fighting for your partner so that at the end of the day, it is not destiny or fate, it’s just you two having earned your love, having earned your happily ever after. And don’t worry, the one that’s worth fighting for will reveal itself to you. It will be as described in the book of Corinthians and it will understand that you’ve been hurt. It will understand that life is hard enough as it is. It will understand that you can’t go on hurting forever. Because love, real love understands.

At one point or another, we have all been hurt by someone we loved and that’s okay. It doesn’t make any of us unique or special, it just makes us human and so I will tell you what I told her. You can’t be a coward just because someone hurt you or betrayed your trust or because someone was too big a coward to commit. Life is short and you will die alone because you were too big a coward to open up to the love of your life and that would simply be too tragic. When you get someone or something that feels good, that’s not the time for you to wear your crazy cap and start following them and stalking them online, that’s the time for you to be open and honest and bask in the perfection of the moment and trust that love is not out to get you. Trust that love understands that you deserve to be happy too.

How to win on tinder🔥

“Use Tinder, don’t let it use you.”

I’ve been on tinder on and off since I found out that it exists and each time I got frustrated I found it was because I was trying to use it for the wrong thing and this is not just a me thing. I think we have all been stung by frustration from trying to milk this hen that is tinder. I don’t expect that by now there would be someone reading this who is completely unfamiliar with tinder, but just to be sure, tinder is an app that was originally created to meet new people. Not to date them, not to find your next husband or wife but as a platform to socialize and get exposure through the same.

After having a conversation with my girlfriend last Tuesday I decided that perhaps someone ought to explain how to win this. If Tinder is a game, then these are the rules:

Don’t go there looking for love. Understand that tinder makes it only too easy to replace you as a girlfriend or boyfriend and therefore a substantial relationship is impossible. No one is going to bleed and beg and sweat for you when they know they can just dump you and 15 minutes later have someone they’re interested in and a prospective future partner. Do you see this visious cycle being created 😂?! This is why you don’t go on tinder looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Don’t look for anything substantial either. Aside from romantic entanglements don’t go there looking for best friends and what not. Friends are not made in this way unless they are the kind to befriend today and forget tomorrow. Loyalty can not/never be found like this. I stress this because the relationship I have with my best friend is more intimate than any other I’ve ever had even with people I have dated in the past and therefore I don’t expect that the same can be found by swiping right because friendships are hard and you know the old adage easy come easy go.

Don’t catch feelings. Please don’t go around catching feelings. It is not necessary and these people you don’t know are not worth even an ounce of your emotions. It is that simple. So you liked someone and they weren’t what you thought? Big deal! Just keep it moving. Trust me you’ll meet someone all round better, all round better!!! Trust me on that so no catching feelings.

Take what someone says at face value and only at that. Please, when you meet someone and they tell you they are just there for the sex and you stick around, it is on you!!! Don’t cry or pout about it, you made your fuckboy bed, you MUST therefore lie in it by yourself, in silence and humility. Don’t be stressing your girlfriends for no reason. He told you, he was honest with you from the start so NO, you are not allowed to pretend to be hurt. If someone says they are there just for the purpose which tinder was created which is to make friends and to socialize or to network, listen!!! Don’t be talking about how you like him or you like her but she’s not returning your feelings, keep those grievances to yourself.

And lastly remember all the rules. Meeting people on tinder is like engaging in a cutty buddy relationship. Just use it for what’s it’s intended. Make friends, socialize, learn about different cultures and professions, quench the loneliness and keep it moving. Use it to get exposure and network and make professional friends. Do the smart thing and create smart relationships that will benefit you. If you are a fuckboy, do your thing🙌 and if you are a good girl don’t be stupid, you are making good girls look bad😒.

Closing remarks. I know some of you will be like you met your boyfriend on tinder and you love him and you guys are happy and to that I’d say shut up! Come back when he proposes. And if he never does well then I told you so😏. And if he doesn’t then I humbly accept but like, what are the chances of that happening?! Tinder is a wonderful platform with an infinite number of benefits but ONLY  if you use it as it should be used. Don’t just take my word for it, try it, use the rules I have blessed you with and have a go at it for a month and let me know if Tinder is still frustrating you. Use tinder, don’t let it use you.

Grace.

…He gave me the grace I needed to deal with all of this…

“God give me grace”, I whispered in the middle of my sobbing.

I have a story  time time for you today. Honestly listening to Adele’s songs can really take one to a dark place, but an honest place all the same. So there I was listening to Adele minding my own business and what happens? It occurs to me that the farther apart my ex and I are the more I Love him. No No not the romantic kind of love. Had it been the romantic kind I wouldn’t be able to write this. I’m a long way from that place where I still want him and all that RomCom nonsense. But I wont lie, it was hard. I loved him and it was real but he fucked it all up and that’s okay because it happens. people break up all the time, we weren’t special and a monument wont be put up in honour of our parting ways.

Anyway I digress. So here I am listening to Adele and suddenly it occurred to me that after the break up it took me a minute to process because I still loved him and it hurt. It didn’t matter that I had already cried about it or that I had already had the difficult conversations with myself. I just couldn’t process it all and in that moment of sadness and pain, I decided to pray. I needed help. Not from a girlfriend or from my mom, I needed calm inside, I needed to be able to close my eyes and not see his face, I needed to able to sleep. I needed God and so I prayed and after some time, I was finally able to sleep. Somehow the healing process just was under way I wasn’t thinking about it, I wasn’t thinking about him incessantly [I was no longer being consumed by thoughts him] and somehow I healed. Without even knowing it, I just woke up one day and it didn’t hurt any more.

All this to say that God gave me grace, he gave me the grace that I needed to deal with all of this, first things first let’s define this word, that way everyone understands what I’m talking about.

Grace: (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favour of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

I suppose to some it’s not worth dancing around the fire for but on realising it I simply had to share. Sometimes it helps to know that someone else has been where you’ve been. Sometimes it helps to know someone else’s pain to feel better about yours and sometimes it just helps to know someones pain because it makes them more human in your eyes, it helps you know them better, it helps you begin the process of understanding them.

This meant something to me, meant a lot actually. Anything that helps me grow is worth something. I hope you get something from this, hopefully, GRACE 🙂

Time out.

This isn’t something new that I am going to talk about but I have to talk about it now looking at it from a fresh perspective. I wrote about this on my old blog “Fabgalaxy.wordpress.com” about how we all need to detox after we’ve been in a relationship. I don’t even seem to recall what I wrote about it then but that’s in the past and here is where we are now.

Well this is something I am trying to do. And I have to admit it is very hard for me. Very hard. I am so used to being in a relationship. That is where my comfort zone is. For me being in a relationship feels like my feet are on the ground and my back is leaning on to something. In a word STABLE. It makes me feel safe, secure. Like I’m not at risk of falling into a state of chaos. Just flailing about uncontrollably. I’m not just going to topple over at any time. That’s where I’m most comfortable, but I have been talking to myself a lot lately. Not in a crazy schizophrenic kind of talking to myself, just journalling a lot on the subject and i have come to a conclusion.

I have decided to spend some more time with myself. Which I am of course not accustomed to. I’m used to having someone doting over me, I live for it, I crave it. And it feels like I don’t know how to survive without it, I don’t know how to function without being someone’s girlfriend. I don’t know how to be by myself. You know there is a word for that. There is a word for a state of needing something that much. For being dependent on something to be okay, to be in a state of normal. Otherwise I am flailing about. Perhaps not in a literal sense but certainly in a mental… Emotional sense. I believe the word for that is addiction.

Truthfully I love myself, I love myself too much to be in a compromising state for longer than is needed. But how do I go about this I asked myself. I have been asking this question in a loop, when I wake up, think about it before I go to bed… How does one go about breaking such an addiction!? Especially given the fact that I don’t know how to use the reduce it gradually method. When I want to break a bad habit I do it cold turkey none of that twelve steps crap. So here I am thinking of how to fix this.

Just when I had stopped asking the question and i was exhausted at coming up short of answers and hitting a dead end each time, it occured to me one night while I was taking a shower… Write a list.

How so very anticlimactic I’m I right!? I know but that was it. I read this on a sticker once, “the simple answer is usually the correct one”. So I decided to write a list, one which will not be shared on this platform because this is of course a very private and personal thing for each individual.

Write down a list of things about yourself that you know needs fixing because it has for any number of times led to the breaking up of a relationship. Write down a list of areas in your life you would like to grow, areas you would like to improve, things you want to do before your next relationship, the challenges you expect to face now that you are single and it’s a new concept for you and ways to combat those challenges. And finally write down a time line. You won’t be single forever will you!? A time line and of course possible outcomes, things you hope to have achieved in that window of time.

This provides structure. Especially if you are similar to me. This makes you realise that all is not for naught, that you aren’t just killing time. It reminds you that there is a point to everything you are doing but best of all… It allows you to learn yourself and that’s the best things any of us could do with our time.

Wouldn’t you agree!?

…Bad habits

See, easy as pie.😉

Let’s call them bad habits.
Today we won’t be talking about Binge drinking or how you have a masturbating problem. We shall talk about something more troublesome, more plaguing.

Let’s talk about exes who doesn’t have them?  And if you don’t, well… Give it time. These are people you’ve dated in the past but for this or that reason, things just didn’t work out. These are people who for most of us I believe were your friend first, at one point they were your favourite person, at one point they were the one person who would make your day. Yes I recognise that look on your face. I believe it’s called nostalgia.

But today is not the day we saint them or kick ourselves for having botched everything because truth is not all break ups aren’t the other person’s fault. Sometimes we are the ones who couldn’t keep the peace and that’s fine, we won’t be talking about that either. Not today anyway. There are those exes, the ones who in your opinion you would consider to be one of the best. They were cool the entire time all the way till the break up and even after especially considering that you truly almost had it all with them… Well they are the ones we need to talk about.

I call them bad habits for one main reason. That bad habits are hard to break. You know at the back of your mind you go over how things went down in the end and you think, “Mark or Vanessa was so cool about the break up maybe he/she and I can still be friends you know, hang out…”. Because of how things ended it feels like it would be okay to try and still be friends you know hang out and stuff like you used to only without the sex, I’m I right!?

Well if you agreed you my friend are dumb as soup. Truth is it can’t work out and I know some smart ass would be like, “what about when it does work out!?” And I will be honest with them, instead of slapping them for being painfully stupid I will try and explain it to them gently. What you think you know is from movies but in reality these things aren’t meant to happen and I will explain when they can infact happen. But as long as you are both single, don’t. If you like yourself let alone love yourself just don’t. The easiest way to get over missing your friend is to remember everything about them that was wrong. The easiest way is to remind yourself why you two aren’t dating anymore. In fact it’s just easier if you find a way to hate them. It will hurt just a tiny bit or maybe a whole lot. What the hell do I know about your pain!? But the silver lining is that it does get better and that’s all that matters.

You will get over him/her. You’ll miss them for some time, maybe a little or maybe a lot but fact is that one day you’ll wake up and you won’t miss them any more and guess what, your bad habit will be broken.

See… Easy as pie.

 

 

P.S.

For the record though, you can be friends but only after you are both married. That way… That ship has long sailed. There will be no turning back at that point, there will be no take backs or what ifs. Only at that point can that friendship be successful.