Can people really change?

I think the popular word on the street is that people don’t change. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard growing up all these years. They even sing it in frozen that people don’t really change, but I disagree. I think that if people are capable of growth, then they are capable of change. Because what is change? And what is growth? I have always thought they were reflections of each other in some way.

Change

tʃeɪn(d)ʒ/Submit

Verb

1. Make or become different.

Grow

ɡrəʊ/Submit

Verb

Come into existence and develop

Develop

Dɪˈvɛləp/Submit

Verb

1.

Grow or cause to grow and become more mature, advanced, or elaborate.

“Motion pictures were to develop into mass entertainment”

Synonyms:          grow, evolve, mature, expand, enlarge, spread, advance, progress, prosper, succeed, thrive, get on well, flourish, blossom, bloom, burgeon, make headway, be successful

Okay first I love words, I love how some words marry each other, and it’s just so fascinating. Anyway I digress, so back to what we were talking about earlier about whether or not people change. Let’s look at the three words I’ve pulled out if the online dictionary. Grow, change and develop. See how they all turn into the same word? Honestly it is quite amazing; all to say that if you are growing, then you must change, you can’t grow without developing and you can’t develop and remain the same person you’ve always been, it just isn’t possible.

So what brought all this on? That is an excellent question. I was watching the Mindy project last night it was the last episode of season 6, by the way if you’ve never seen the show you should totally check it out. Anyway, she was giving a toast at her co-workers wedding and she was talking about how these two co-workers weren’t meant to be together before but they were now because people grow, people change, and the funny thing about it is that it happens so gradually that you almost cant… and then she had an epiphany and ran out of the wedding.

In that moment while she was having her epiphany it made me realise just how profound all that is. It got me thinking about someone who once upon a time I thought was my happily ever after. I thought about them and about what Mindy had just said and I thought that it was about them and in that moment I had an epiphany of my own, that the profoundness of what Mindy had said was because it was for me, it was about me. About how much I had changed, about how I had grown, about how I wasn’t the person I once was. So in case you didn’t believe it, take it from me, I am a living testimony, people can change. If they can grow, then they can change. And if they refuse to grow, then it’s not your job to make them. I know that was women we have this line we say to ourselves, I can change him, no honey, you really really can’t. The only person who can change him, is himself. And it’s not your job to make that happen either, your only job is to grow yourself, and to continue to grow.

 

 

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Expectation VS reality

 

The growth process, expectation Vs REALITY

 

So a while ago I did a bad thing. I knew it was bad the whole time but I did it anyway and the funny thing is that I wasn’t sad about it, I didn’t feel guilty or anything like that which is funny to me because I typically I’m very hard on myself. I like to kick myself when I’m down and hold myself up to the highest possible standards. And now here is the irony of it all; this one time that I don’t do any of the things that I would typically do, I had an epiphany. Instead of the kicking and self-loathing, I just observed my behavior and asked myself why I would do something that I knew was wrong. Not in a tone to suggest judgment just pure curiosity and a yearning to understand my actions.

I never really noticed this until just now actually as I am typing this that the meditation I have been doing may have had something to do with all this. One of the quotes from my meditations said that we aren’t able to reach enlightenment until we are able to observe our thoughts and actions. And honestly, I think this article is a testimony to that. As soon as I took a step back from it all and observed it wanting to understand, I was able to see the truth in it all. The truth was that the growth process is not at all what I thought it was. It’s not a straight line that only moves forward. Its perhaps more complex than I thought. I realised that it’s okay to take a step back during the growth process because it’s not until we are faced with situations that we have dealt with in the past that we can truly see the growth in how we are able to deal with the same situations differently, better, with more wisdom.

 

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Staying vigilant and persistent on the fact that at the end of the day, Personal Growth is the point, the MAIN point.

 

Therefore it’s okay to make a mistake, just as long as, you use it to grow. As long as you take a step back to really look at it from every angle and ask yourself, why you created this situation, why you attracted it to your life and more importantly, what the situation has to teach you.

Think for yourself

 

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I suppose this is the journey I’m now on

 

My girlfriend and I have been on two opposite sides of something very important. Something I needed her support on, something I needed her to get behind, because somehow I had convinced myself that if she could just get behind it, if she could just tell me that she was okay with it then somehow I would be okay with it too. I was looking to her to defend it, to give it pro points so it can be worthy enough to me but she didn’t. Instead she attacked it and told me of all the reasons why I am on the wrong side, that I am making the wrong choice, quick disclaimer though, life is as unpredictable as change and if I am infact wrong, then so be it. Then I’ll be wrong, I’ll be knocked off my pedestal and I will pick myself up as I have before and my life will go on as it always has, but if I am right, and I let this very important thing go because I am here waiting for someone else to see how amazing it is, how it challenges me in ways that I didn’t expect, how it is teaching me all these things that I couldn’t even see, because I didn’t want to see any of it, because the one person who I wanted to think and feel for me was feeling what felt to me as wrong, and who’s fault is that?

Mine!!!

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Of course it’s all my fault! Because I can’t have someone thinking for me, what’s my brain for? While she’s thinking for me where do I park my brain? What is so important, that while I think of it I have to outsource all my other thoughts to my friend? Seriously what is wrong with me? It’s almost laughable except it only makes me want to cry, because all this is so sad. To have done what I was doing, I mean it yielded the result that it did and in the end, I have learned so much but the process is truly brutal. To look at myself and want to slap myself so hard, or sit myself down and give myself a stern talking to for being so lazy and mediocre and whatever the opposite of enlightened is. It’s funny, my mother had to quite literally beg me to read Conversations With God and now I live by it, and now because of it, I am being introduced to myself each day. It’s because of this beautiful book that I came to this very conclusion.

 

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I think that for anyone going through what I was/am going through, this is probably one of the best pieces of advice anyone could give.

 

The conclusion here is that to be great, to be enlightened, to be of independent thought, to be the me that I aspire to be,  I can’t be who I was, I can’t be the girl to say “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it”, that can’t be who I am if I aspire to be someone capable of making her own choices. I simply can’t be lazy about it. I have to sit down and ask myself the hard questions and come up with answers for myself and own the consequences they yield. I have to be the one to decide; what I’m doing, where I’m going, who stays in my life and who leaves, because no one else knows what I know, no one is on the same journey as me, so no one else can make the choices on my behalf. I have to be a big girl about this, about all of it, and think for myself, because that’s what big girls do.

 

Thanks a heap indecision😒

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I haven’t been sleeping well lately, all week actually. I feel like last night was the first time I actually fell asleep and slept through the night. But in truth I was so tired it was either I sleep voluntarily or collapse from exhaustion. Anyway, I thought that the insomnia was being caused by my menses which may be TMI but I’d like to think we are all adults here. So anyway I thought that my lack of sleep was being caused by an overwhelming surge of hormones that were running up and down my body but after last night I realized that I might have been very wrong about that.

I’ve been really stressed all week. I was dealing with something that felt heavy to me. I was torn between two choices that at the time seemed like they would throw my whole life out of balance so naturally, they took over my whole brain and ofcourse to add salt to it I had a CAT, the final CAT before I have to sit my accounting finals and so I had that to worry about as well and ofcourse I was having trouble concentrating because of this other thing in my mind so finally something had to give. I read for my paper as best I could, I sat and wrote the damn thing and to be perfectly honest with you I was just glad that I had one less thing to think and worry about. And after that, I just came home and slept. I was incapable of doing anything else. My body was about to give out on me. We [my body and I] had gotten to that place of either give me rest or I take it, your choice.

 

Me all week long

 

Next day after that I spent some time with one of my girlfriends and we talked about all the things and it made me realise that I was looking at everything the wrong way, I was deciding things off of feelings instead of facts and that’s just never worked for me before why would it work for me now? So I sat down with a virtual piece of paper in my mind and I decided you know what? I’m on Lavender’s team and all I care about is what makes Lavender happy and just like that, I made a decision. Little did I know that the indecision was what was preventing me from getting any sleep? Like I said, sometimes complex problems have simple solutions, Thursday night, I slept like a baby.

Personal growth

I remember some time ago I came across a quote that read that when God wants you to grow, he makes you uncomfortable. Of course I was in agreement immediately but notice how when some quotes apply directly to your life you get all grouchy and pissed? Yes, that was me not too long ago. This last weekend actually.

I know that personal growth is a broad subject but given this is not an academic blog I will stick to my personal growth. I was talking with one of my girlfriends about an ex-boyfriend. You know, one of those exes that had you pretty much brainwashed? Yap one of those. Mine was tall dark and handsome, how did I yours look like? What made them seem so great at the time? I would love to know. Anyway so we got to talking and out of nowhere, she started saying that I still loved him and I was like, what? No, I don’t!!! If I loved him still I would be with him but I’m not because I don’t love him. But she kept on saying it over and over again and I was so mad but at the same time it planted doubt in my head and I can see your face scowling don’t worry this was a good thing.

It was a good thing because it made me think about it a lot, it made me think about him too and how it all went down. And aside from the amazing rolling in the hay sessions, ours was a pretty toxic relationship and the worst part was how perfect it looked from the outside and yet inside I was screaming at myself for being so foolish and stuck. I called him that night just because I didn’t have all the answers I needed to make a well-educated verdict because at that point it wasn’t really about what or how I felt because I knew how I felt already, I was done loving him a long time ago, so that really wasn’t an issue. So why did I feel like I still needed closure? Because I did of course. So that beautiful man and I had a chat and two minutes into the conversation I had my closure.

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All, the questions I had were answered to satisfaction, he didn’t say anything bad or mean, but in that moment I remembered why I had to leave him, the same person that I would choose over and over again over pretty much everyone else and at that moment, I couldn’t think of choosing him over anyone. Funny how someone who made me feel so unhappy would be the key to my personal growth; life is a funny thing. That night, he delivered an intricate part of me to myself and I am so grateful my friend pushed me as she did that night. I am so glad I dated this person and that the relationship was a brilliant failure and I am grateful that he brought me to myself. I am grateful that I am in a position to watch myself grow and be grateful for it.

As I have said time and time again because I don’t know you guys on a personal level I can’t share your stories but you all have them, it’s my hope that you can take something from my story though. I know that when relationships crash and burn we often look at the aftermath with so much hate and anger and sometimes pain but after all that its good to find time to heal then go back to the crime scene and see what really happened, not just according to you, but according to both of you. I am learning to constantly reevaluate what I think I know, and therefore learning to have my eyes more open, figuratively speaking of course because sometimes complicated problems have simple solutions.

Social support

It’s funny, you know sometimes I marvel at the things that I have come to write about. Recently it’s been feeling like the people around me are having a hard time with stuff, all different stuff but struggling all the same and it really got me thinking about social support. First of all, I will say that being able to emotionally support the people I love, has been such a learning experience and it has really helped me grow.

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Secondly, I know that when most of us are having a hard time, our first instinct is to crawl into our caves of safety and just regroup or worry and panic and for some of us fall into depression and I only know this because that’s exactly what I do. I don’t know how to ask for help until I feel like I am actually dying inside and that just shouldn’t be the case for anyone. Granted I didn’t have anyone who made me feel safe enough to just let go and be vulnerable but still, no one should let it ever get that bad. Ask for help, you’d be surprised how many people around you love you enough to drop everything and just be there for you.

Here is what brought this on…

I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends, she’s having an interesting time dealing with some pretty heavy stuff and as she opened up to me I remember thinking I am so glad I get to be here for her, I am so glad she doesn’t have to do this alone, I am so glad that I am strong enough to be someone’s rock. And I know, leave it to me to make someone’s story all about me but to get back to the point, it made me curious about social support and all that stuff.

First of all, what is social support?

Social support is the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network.

So what’s my point in all this? Social support is important and the easiest way to receive it is by giving it to the people around you who need it. I found that there is good evidence that social support plays one of the biggest roles in mental health as well as overall wellbeing. Also, that social support helps reduce feelings of isolation depression and anxiety and that individuals who experience social support are happier. Isn’t that great?

Growing up❤

One of the things I love most about growing up is growing up. I mean the downside is realizing that at the end of the day no matter how many people you have in your life you are still all alone. Well, aside from that you get the most amazing gift, freedom. Freedom to think for yourself although most of us choose not to take advantage of this freedom it is there all the same. Freedom to go wherever we want whenever we want as long as it doesn’t interfere with your safety, and even if it does, you are free to risk it anyway.

I remember when I was younger, say about 18/19 everything superficial used to matter so much. How I look what this person thinks about this thing about me and that thing about me and now I couldn’t care less if I tried. So many things that used to matter just don’t matter anymore. It’s freeing. I know that most of us refuse to be free from this but as adults, we are free to do whatever we want including choosing not to be free.

I have and continue to learn more about myself and understand my thought process and all the things that have contributed to where I am now and how I came to have a certain perspective of things and the best part about all this is that it is helping me understand other people too. Understanding that most of the time how people react towards us has very little to do with us and everything to do with them. Understanding that I can choose to step out of the path created and enforced on me by my narrow-minded ideals imposed on me by people around me and the world around me. It really is a beautiful thing. It is truly freeing.

I remember the good old days thinking I couldn’t possibly date this guy what will my friends think, what will my family think? He isn’t cute enough or rich enough or this that or the other thing and now the only thing I think is does he excite my soul? Does he make me feel good? Then screw what everyone else thinks and feels about him. Seriously though this freedom is intoxicating, you should try it, I highly recommend it.

I know most people look at growing up as the enemy but I assure you it’s not all bad.