MOTHER KNOWS BEST.

WHAT MOTHER SAID.

I love talking to my mom. She may or may not know this but she is my absolute best friend. She is a petite strong woman, very opinionated, very tough and my reigning female role model. She’s my favourite person to talk to about relationships because her advice is one of those that echo in your mind days, months and years even after she’s said it, that’s the kind of person she is, she doesn’t like to think of herself as intense but lol in hindsight she is pretty intense anyway, here are some of the most beautiful lessons I picked up from what my mother said.

  • Everyone comes in a package written take me as I am. In the end, we don’t just want love, which is why there is a song that goes sometimes love just isn’t enough. We also want acceptance. I think we all need that comfort, notice I didn’t say want, I said need because what we want and what we need are two very different things. We need acceptance, we need to be loved for all that we are, tall, short, skinny, thick, chubby, smart, geeky, judgy and everything in between. We need to be accepted, it’s why marriages we look up to fail when one person stops accepting who the other person is. Understanding that she won’t always be the girl you fell in love with, understanding that you won’t always be the man who swept her off her feet, and as long as it hasn’t changed you into another person, acceptance is key.

 

  • Be kind. Mother always says that kindness will take me further than anything else. This is a hard lesson for me to learn but I try every day because she probably knows what she is talking about. Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Learn how to be kind to yourself then you will know how to be kind to your ‘neighbour’ [bible reference]. There is a bible verse that reads, from the overflow of the heart, so the mouth speaketh it means we give what we are full of. What does that mean for me and you? Fill yourself with love, fill yourself with kindness, fill yourself with good things because you can’t give what you don’t have. You can only give that which you have, you know, charity begins at home and all other quotes and sayings that apply to this. Be kind above all. Kindness breeds kindness this much I have witnessed. Be kind to that woman you love, and be kind to the man you’re with.

 

  • You attract who you are, who you are being and who you are not. Mother says that at any one given point in time you can attract three kinds of people/situations. You can attract who you are, you can attract who you are ben in that instance, be it spontaneous, wild, kind, generous, understanding, just whoever you’re choosing to be in that instance or you can attract who you aren’t so you are reminded of who you are. Say you’ve just gone through a self-love journey you could attract a woman or a man with body issues who will reflect the person you aren’t anymore. Lol I hope this makes sense. When my mom and I are talking in these crazy philosophical terms we get each other, I hope you get me, I hope I’m reaching out to you in a way that this can make sense to you.

 

  • There are no mistakes, only lessons. I know that as we go through relationships sometimes things don’t go as planned. And I’m not talking about things between you and that guy or girl you weren’t really into, I’m talking about that person that made you want to make plans, the kind of person that makes you want to introduce them to your family, so I know that sometimes we meet these people, fall hopelessly in love only to have our hearts broken, well mother says that in as much as that will hurt us, we are to take it with a grain of salt. Don’t get stuck or get swallowed by the ordeal. Learn from it. You’ll be fine, yes feel the pain, that’s okay just don’t pitch a camp there, fix your heart, all a million pieces and find a way to love again. This time someone who will hold your heart and not drop it. There are no mistakes in life, only lesson, some more painful than others but lessons all the same.

 

  • When it’s right you’ll know. I know this whole thing has been complicated so much over time but the bottom line is that when I right, you’ll know. You’ll know because it will just flow. You’ll know because he will care enough to make an effort. You’ll know because he will always show up for you, you’ll know because you won’t have to ask about the basics, you’ll know because you will be his top priority always, you’ll just know. You won’t have to ask silly question like why didn’t he call, why didn’t he do this that and the other because the truth is that the right guy knows you are worth the trouble, you are worth the wait, you are worth it because you are his, and to any real man, that means something, that means everything.

 Yes I know, she’s a very smart lady my mom. She gives the best advice and she always knows what to say. You may pout about some things I’ve had to say/ my mom has to say but the truth is the truth, especially that last part about the guy, and how you’ll know the right guy lol that was hard for me to hear but in the end, she was right, she is always right about these things. If you read this mom, I love you. I’m so glad you’re my mom.

 

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NICE GUYS FINISH LAST, HERE’S WHY…

First of all, you needn’t crucify me, I can’t speak for all women, I can only speak for little ol’ me so you know… take everything I write here with a grain of salt. Now I can say for certain that the popular word on the street is that nice guys finish last and for the longest time I was totally against this, but after much deliberation and observation, I think the popular opinion is onto something. I have found that some nice guys do finish last and I think here’s why:

  1. Because they are generic. Don’t just be nice for the sake of being nice, she will see right through your cheap act, don’t just be nice to get sex from her, trust me you can get sex for a lot less. If you are going to be the nice guy, you have to really mean it, you have to do it because all the cells in your body are pushing you to be nice to this girl, and not because there is something you can get from her but because of who she is to you. Understand who you are before you go plead your case.
  2. Because you are a yes man. Please, gentlemen, take it from me, no one likes a yes man. It is boring tedious and in the wrong instance comes off as patronizing, come on now you know bitches be crazy. No one wants to be told yes all the time. Do you have any other words in your vocabulary? Do you have an opinion on anything? Do you ever want things to go your way? You know you can say no to her, she wont break if you do.
  3. Because you are a pushover. Behold the pushover, jeez, I’m getting exhausted just having to write about this, don’t be a pushover. You are a man, aren’t you? So be a man, and, tell her what you want. You have needs too [and I don’t mean sexually, come on now get your head out of the gutter!!!] I mean in the relationship. Maybe you want to stay in that night, tell her!!! Its okay for things to go your way, its okay. I don’t mean be entitled, she will drop you like a hot potato, I mean, she doesn’t always have to have her way, you are allowed to push back and I don’t mean physically, hitting a woman is lowly and shameful and ungentlemanly, I mean it figuratively speaking. You have to challenge her, that is how you grow as a couple, that is how you get her to respect you.
  4. Because you never speak your mind. Being with someone who doesn’t have an opinion of there own is the same as dating yourself. You must be able to speak your mind, I’m pretty sure you have things going through that pretty little head of yours, what is it? Let her know, trust me it’s good for the soul, not to mention liberating and also that’s how she gets to know you. She can’t just go around guessing what you like, don’t like, what you love, what you hate, just because she looks like an angel doesn’t mean she reads minds.
  5. Last and most important, because you keep choosing wrong!!! Choosing the wrong woman is exactly the same as choosing the wrong man, you know why because they will both hurt you in the end. It irks me to see a nice guy with a girl I know will only hurt him in the end, and this is not me choosing guys over girls, it also bothers me when I see a good girl with a guy who I can just tell will hurt her but I’m choosing to stay on topic here. I say this about the nice guy because I think some bad guys were once good guys, they were just ruined by some selfish woman, same to good girls gone bad by the way. And I say all this knowing full well that I’ve played the selfish woman role a couple of times, here is my point though gentlemen, choose right. Stop going for the low hanging fruit. You know she’ll hurt you yet you go out with her anyway, lol ofcourse you’ll finish last at that rate. Choose with your heart and your head, please, leave your genitals out of the conversation, your genitals will only fuck you over in the end, I promise. So use your head and your heart. Is she good for you? Does she help you grow? Does she challenge you? Well does she?

Listen to me, nice guys don’t have to finish last. Especially in this day and age where nice guys are literal unicorns, you should be winning. Just remember to speak your mind, let her know your opinion on things, it won’t break her unless you say something mean or tell her she’s fat in which case you have a death wish and can’t be helped, all I’m saying is that your opinion on things is important to her so let her know, just remember to be nice about it and you should be fine. But most importantly, remember that all this won’t do you any good if you picked wrong. I am talking to the guy who is looking to settle down, you’re tired of the one night stands and the thots, you want someone to come home to, listen friend, pray about it and stop letting your little man choose for you, you will always lose if you choose to do that, pray about it and keep your eyes peeled open, most of the time she’s right under your nose you’re just too distracted to see.

 

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BROKEN REMEDY

Yes I know all about the “burn his/her things”, lose weight, channel your anger or whatever in the gym or whatever, “the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one”, come on now don’t be bashful I know you’ve heard all these fads before. Now I can agree with the gym part but everything else is garbage, yes that is inclusive of the weight loss part. If he/she didn’t want to be with you at 70kg, they sure don’t deserve you at 65. Now, all that aside can we talk about what’s really wrong because focusing all your energy on the outside while you’re dying on the inside is like washing a dirty cup thoroughly on the outside and ignoring the inside and then being angry when no one drinks from it. Ofcourse no one will, it’s filthy! It could make someone very very sick. Now I hope you get the gist here, after a breakup, we all become the dirty cup.

There is nothing wrong with breakups, sometimes things just aren’t working and you both know it, only that most of the time only one of you is brave enough to say it. And sometimes it is for the better because you can’t get better while you hold on to this broken situation, you know. All that being said, it doesn’t make breakups hurt any less, they still hurt, even when you’re the one doing the breaking up. It hurts because of the time you spent with this person that’s now gone forever, it hurts because you’re losing the person you used to speak to every day, it hurts because all the plans you guys made have been reduced to nothing. It hurts because you’re hurting someone that you loved deeply, that you’re hurting someone you probably still love, someone who made a great impact in your life. Do you get a general idea?

Coming from someone who has gone through this a couple of times, here are some of my personal broken remedies, they help, I promise.

  1. Pain demands to be felt. Allowing yourself to feel pain doesn’t make you weak, it only means you’re hurt, it means you’re human, it means you have feelings and that’s a good thing. It sucks to be hurt but it’s okay to admit that you’re hurt, it’s okay. Don’t deflect it, let it in, the only way around it, is through. The only way to truly heal is to first admit that you’ve been hurt then to apply whatever ‘ointment’ is needed to make it better.
  1. Take time to heal, take as long as you need. I know you’ve heard the saying hurt people, hurt people. Hurt people only hurt people because they didn’t take the time they needed to heal. Healing takes time, it takes longer for some than others and that’s okay. Heal at your own pace, could be weeks, months or years, that’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less than you are. It doesn’t take anything away from you either and when someone comes along too soon, don’t date them for two weeks then tell them you’re not into it, be upfront about it and let them know you’re healing from a previous commitment and that you need time, maybe a lot of time. Communicate as overtly as possible don’t leave any room for guesswork or maybes, it’s not fair to the other person.
  1. Forgive yourself for your part in sinking the ‘ship’. It might have been your fault that the relationship didn’t work, speaking from experience, this is especially hard, I cheated and I remember the hardest thing was me being able to forgive myself. I remember saying how it was his fault and not mine, that it was his fault I cheated, yes I know cheaters looove pointing fingers, they love saying how its everyone’s fault but their own, I know so… I know and it’s hard but accept the blame, because the blame is, in fact, yours to accept, be an adult and take responsibility. You made a mistake and now the consequences are yours to bare and that’s okay. Accept and forgive yourself, find a way to forgive yourself, only then, can you forgive the other person.
  1. Go back to the crime scene and understand what exactly went down. Whose fault was it? Was it yours? Was it his? did you cheat? Okay, why? Are you not ready for a committed, monogamous relationship? Were you just bored? Or maybe you’re just emotionally immature. Look at it objectively, don’t be on your side and don’t be on his side either, be the relationships advocate, critic and judge based on what would have been done differently to make the relationship survive and not only that but survive and last. Okay good now that you’ve seen the problem, how does that affect your next relationship? Learn, I mean you’ve already been hurt so deeply the least you can do for yourself is make sure that you’ll do better the next time. Use it to grow. Use it to work on yourself. It’ll be so good for you, you won’t believe the difference in the end, I promise.
  1. Forgive and let it go. Now that you have forgiven yourself, it will be easier to forgive him or her. It doesn’t matter that he cheated or that she cheated, just forgive the whole thing and let it go. Notice that I didn’t say forgive and forget, no you better remember that shit because when they come back and tell you the way they’ve changed, you’ll have a list of all the reasons why you walked away in the first place. Don’t make a habit of letting yourself get hurt. Remember how it feels when you first say those words out loud or hear them the very first time. It literally breaks you inside, you can almost hear your heart cracking and exploding in to a million little pieces, it’s so surreal it’s almost like everything stops, your heart included, and you’re just in this space of hurt and complete and utter betrayal, so if you remember all that, don’t make a habit of being broken because it can numb you to the pain and the minute you start going numb, then you can’t feel the good things either can you? You can’t connect and that’s when they say you’re broken so you know, be careful.

In the end, it sucks, it sucks all around for both parties I assure you because when a relationship fails, you both lose, there are no winners in a break up [remember that]. Especially if you were in a meaningful relationship. I assure you it’s a big deal to the both of you and there are no magic cures. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to work for it, You have to want it, you have to wash the cup on the inside too, you have to keep moving forward, you have to forgive yourself, you have to forgive the other person too, you have to find a way to let it go, you failed and that’s okay. But it does get better, you’ll wake up one day and not remember they even ever existed so… it’s okay :).

 

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PSY 3150

This is the class that had me pouting like a five year old. I really didn’t want to take this class. I still haven’t totally gotten over the fact that I won’t be taking PSY 3015 which is the class I really really wanted to take. In any case, when life gives you lemons…

I’m pretty sure these codes don’t mean anything to you unless you’ve sat these classes before but for those of who wondering what they mean, I shall explain. PSY 3150 is a course called courtship and marriage and its the class I have to take, pouty and all and PSY 3015 is psychology of communication which is the class I wanted to take but alas this elective was not available to me. Yes I have cried about it in the shower à little and I expect there will be more crying still 😂 but in the mean time I shall be telling you how this PSY 3150 has enlightened me. It is a class in courtship after all and at the hear of all my blogs have been relationships so… I hope you see where I’m going with this.

Our course book is called the mating game. Relatively small book with a very enticing cover which is beside the point. Here is the point, as I was reading the book I discovered something very interesting as far as mating goes, the human being doesn’t evolve very much. What do I mean by this?! I mean that à century ago women wanted a husband/mate that was tall dark and handsome, enterprising, strong, a provider, you know all that and à century/ centuries later the story hasn’t changed one bit. The man still wants a woman who is relatively modest, a nurture, home maker, preferably someone who wants a family, is mindful with money, you know the basics. Now the fascinating thing is that the human likes to think he evolves but honestly, not really. If women from different centuries were put in a line and men from different centuries the same, they would pick the exact same spouse type regardless of century. So what. Does that mean for the 21st century girl and boy?!

I suppose it means that the good girl is still in style and that the nice guy doesn’t finish last. He never has. We like to think that we are so different and that we’ve deviated so far from what the genesis of the mating game but in truth we only curve deeper I to the lines, never deviating from it and honestly that was fascinating to me. Really, truly, deeply fascinating.

Maybe this time [Issa lie!!! 😒]

Hahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!! Excuse me while I laugh at myself.

I left this foolishness in 2017 so I guess I can talk about it now, I used to be one of those people who would date someone and then that one time things don’t work out, we part ways then a year later they come say the way they’ve changed, they’ve grown, all that BS then we get back together and then ofcourse shit goes down again and then we have to part ways again and as I said goodbye to 2017 I vowed to say goodbye to that foolishness as well.

Listen people in as much as writing for your enjoyment and entertainment gives me great satisfaction I want you to understand that I do foolish things and share them at great price to me to save you a trip. My mom always tells me one thing, you don’t have to learn all things through experience, some things are painful and unnecessary/ painfully unnecessary. And I love her for that, because thanks to her one of you (I say one because humans are born with a unique foolishness of doing the wrong thing despite knowing better) won’t have to encounter the nonsense I had to endure.

Me and people like me have this theory that maybe this time it’ll work, maybe this time he or she won’t do that foolish thing they did the last time. It’s called having faith in people, the wrong people, the kind of people who don’t deserve it. Now this is something I would typically be mad at myself for but what can I say, I’m very human and I’m ok with that 😁. What I’m not okay with is one of my beautiful readers making stupid choices that could be avoided because I’ve done the foot work so you don’t have to.

So I have come up with a theory, now this theory may just explain my behavior but I suspect it may explain a couple other people’s behavior as well. I think for me, when I’m not with the person, I work on myself one because I live spending time with myself and two because I enjoy working on myself and personal growth, it’s something I’m very passionate about. Somehow in the midst of all that I assume that this person has been doing the same. It doesn’t have to be a passion of theirs or whatever but it could be something they do because it has to be done. But as long as the end result is growth/maturity then what difference should it make right?! Same way we apply our shortcomings to people I think this works the same way, so how do we cure ourselves of this foolishness?! Good question I’m glad you asked that.

Write a list of all the things that made you guys part ways the last time, this is not one of those write a list then burn it, no no no, we need that list on record. Write it, include all the things and when he comes have your list on hand says you want to be friends forest you know, you want to take things slow or whatever and during that study the person. Do they still have the qualities that put you off?! If they do then that settles that and if not then stay friends all in all I must make something clear, try and try again may work for a lot of things but relationships I assure you is not one of them. Take it from someone who has tried it and failed.

Red flags🚩🚩🚩

I know I’ve been coming at you with these relationship based posts at rapid speed but it’s only because as I left most of my foolishness in 2017 I also left two very heavy relationships and lucky for you they provided me with plenty of material to write about. Lol who’d have thought I’d be so excited to be rid of them?! Okay here we go.

So… Red flags, what are they in reference to a relationship?! Good question. I think if you look it up you’ll find all sorts of explanations, all justified but I would describe a red flag in a relationship as anything in the relationship that violates your core values, anything that would be detrimental to the relationship in the long run or anything that you know you just can’t tolerate in the long run.

Wow there is so much I want to say about this as usual I hardly know where to start. I think we should start with a story yes that’s the best place to start. There was once a girl called Becky now this Becky met a man called Daniel and fell head over heels in love with this man only problem is there were things about him she didn’t like, things that she could see, things her girlfriends could see as well but for some reason she decided to overlook them as most of us do. So what was wrong with Daniel you ask, well, Daniel had serious case of something called potty mouth lol do you know what potty mouth is?! If you don’t this is a beautiful learning moment for you. Daniel also had violent tendencies that she saw and in all her wisdom chose to ignore after all Daniel had found Jesus and Jesus cures all things I’m I right?! 😂 Daniel was relatively selfish now this wouldn’t be a problem if Becky was selfish too but she wasn’t she was the kindest most generous peach you’ve ever met. So Becky and Daniel date and court and eventually get married but then she notices that the things that used to bother her about this man are now amplified you know why?! Because now it’s not as easy for her to just up and leave and also because when people get married they generally tend to get more comfortable with their spouse you know, if they had potty mouth on check when they were dating you it turns to a sewer mouth and so on and so forth. In the end, all the things that prompted her to leave, that she chose to ignore were what ended the marriage and do you think it was his fault?! Not really. I think it was hers, for ignoring red flags. The moment she saw those red flags and chose to ignore them, it seized being his fault completely. They are there for a reason. Now it may seem as though I’m pointing to Becky and laughing and I am, but I’ve had my fair share of foolishness and stupidity. I’ve been a Becky before I just don’t know how to talk about my own version without violating the other person’s privacy.

For those of you who are spiritual and or believe in a God or deity of any kind, you can agree or disagree with me on the fact that God shows us red flags 🚩. God is always watching over us and protecting us from our own foolishness. Red flags 🚩are what tell us that the person we think is so compatible to us, is in fact not compatible at all. Red flags 🎌 are what tell us to pull out before we get hurt, before we are overly invested, before we give our all only to be crushed both figuratively and/or literally. I feel like when we pray about these things and we invite God into them he literally descends and gets involved, always watching and loving us through, always out to protect his own.

Excuse the sermon sometimes I get carried away. So here is my point, falling in love blindly, is for the foolish and irresponsible. And as Keisha Green would say “jumping without a net is for the birds”. Yes dating someone who shows you obvious red flags is like jumping off a cliff without having a net to catch you, and that too will also be your fault. Open your eyes ladies and remaining gentleman, keep your eyes peeled open and pray about all these things even those things he’s/she’s been working so hard to hide will be revealed. I know this was a little preachy but I’ve seen what it’s like when you tell God to step aside and let you handle things on your own. Let’s just put it this way, even the most obvious RED FLAG becomes completely oblivious to you.

LUST …AND ALL THE THINGS😜

I’ve been having multiple conversations with myself about writing this piece because I was worried about how it would come across. I didn’t want it to come across as angry or bitter or anything like that because this came from a good place, from the best place actually, from a place of growth and understanding but for anyone who will insist that it’s angry or judgy, please feel free.

This is super weird because this comes across to me as the sort of thing that I would write in my journal, the sort of thing that my aunt Jean would say, “Lavender you have to sieve the things you say you know, not everything is to be said”, but on obdurate fortunately or unfortunately there are no filters. Now jumping right to the point, we are more than just our hormones.

There are people we meet. People who make all our blood rush down to our genitals leaving our poor brains ghost towns so that we are incapable to see that primal urge of I want her or I want him. Well today id like us to address this issue, blushing, bashful and uncomfortable but address it we shall. I was recently a victim of this and I use the word recent very very loosely because this was well over a year ago but it happened all the same and whenever I talk about it feels like it was just yesterday I was slave to this thing called lust as I’m sure we’ve all been at some point in time.

Before I forget to incorporate this very important thing I will say that this is something that some minister preached out he said that lust is like a werewolf, and if any of you have watched any werewolf movies you know that werewolves are people most of the time because the moon is only full for about three days and in a month of 31 days it means that for 28 days this werewolf is a stand up person, someone who you can be friends with and all that jazz, but then what happens when the moon is full? I’ll give you guys an example from a show called once upon a time [great show by the way I recommend you watch it], in this show, there is a character called red, in fairy tales red would be little red riding hood but in once upon… she’s the wolf, long story short SHE ATE HER BOYFRIEND. Yap! She thought the boyfriend was the wolf, tied him to a tree but when the moon came up alas, she was the wolf and her boyfriend was dinner! Lol, pause for effect***

This is what lust is, we just don’t see it at the time, because when its muted its controllable but when you let it loose, then you make all the foolish decisions, you convince yourself you’re in love, you tell yourself she’s the one and then when she walks out on you a couple of months or even years later you act surprised. Some of these things are hard to say, they are hard to choose but sometimes to quote Dumbledore, “Sometimes we have to choose between what is right, and what is easy”.

It’s easy to take that route because well it’s the easier route but ask yourself, what value is he adding or taking away from your life? What value is she adding or taking away? It’s okay to lust over someone there are people who are beautiful to look at, I’ll admit that much and sometimes our hormones make us feel certain things but don’t allow yourself to turn into the werewolf, take control of your body, remember that at all times you are in charge and if you allow lust to win just remember that it’s using your body to do so and no matter what the consequences, be they bad or horrendous, you will responsible for cleaning up the mess. Hopefully I don’t have to spell those out for you, hopefully, you can analyse the consequences for yourself and if they are worth it to you, then go right ahead but if they aren’t, if they are consequences you know you can’t deal with, take a step back and give your body time to pump the blood back into your brain.

There are things you can’t take back, there are no erasers for certain things, remember that and if you allow lust to win, remember that it’s using your body to do so and whatever the consequences, they will be yours and yours alone :).