I haven’t been sleeping well lately, all week actually. I feel like last night was the first time I actually fell asleep and slept through the night. But in truth I was so tired it was either I sleep voluntarily or collapse from exhaustion. Anyway, I thought that the insomnia was being caused by my menses which may be TMI but I’d like to think we are all adults here. So anyway I thought that my lack of sleep was being caused by an overwhelming surge of hormones that were running up and down my body but after last night I realized that I might have been very wrong about that.
I’ve been really stressed all week. I was dealing with something that felt heavy to me. I was torn between two choices that at the time seemed like they would throw my whole life out of balance so naturally, they took over my whole brain and ofcourse to add salt to it I had a CAT, the final CAT before I have to sit my accounting finals and so I had that to worry about as well and ofcourse I was having trouble concentrating because of this other thing in my mind so finally something had to give. I read for my paper as best I could, I sat and wrote the damn thing and to be perfectly honest with you I was just glad that I had one less thing to think and worry about. And after that, I just came home and slept. I was incapable of doing anything else. My body was about to give out on me. We [my body and I] had gotten to that place of either give me rest or I take it, your choice.
Next day after that I spent some time with one of my girlfriends and we talked about all the things and it made me realise that I was looking at everything the wrong way, I was deciding things off of feelings instead of facts and that’s just never worked for me before why would it work for me now? So I sat down with a virtual piece of paper in my mind and I decided you know what? I’m on Lavender’s team and all I care about is what makes Lavender happy and just like that, I made a decision. Little did I know that the indecision was what was preventing me from getting any sleep? Like I said, sometimes complex problems have simple solutions, Thursday night, I slept like a baby.
It seems as though the universe was just waiting for my people to have a minute them give me my fair share because as soon as they were done having their thing it was my turn. I was having a moment with… it’s difficult, let’s see where a good place would be to begin.
Okay so you know how when you are mad at someone you play all these different kind of scenarios, each worse than the last, you ask yourself questions and answer them yourself or ask the wrong people or is this just a me thing? Sometimes when you’re seeing someone and you just don’t want to ask them questions just because they are already so many in your head you wouldn’t know where to start and also because you’ve been talking about all this with yourself so long that you don’t feel like you need to ask because you already know, and to top it all off you ask your girlfriends and none of them has anything positive to say?
Anyway, that was the situation. There I was having made up entire stories having filled them in myself and I was seething mad I couldn’t think straight and I know a lot of us do this all the time. We fill our minds with lies and then get so mad for quite literally nothing.
There I was, pacing up and down my room contemplating what I would do with all this “information”. Should I break up with him or confront him about all this or should I just keep quiet? Or maybe I should just forget all this and become a lesbian. Who needs all this noise? I was losing my mind and as if God knew, duh! Of course he knows, he sent my girlfriend over. She could see I wasn’t going to be good company that night so we talked about what was eating me up and I was just like “babe just tell me what to do. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it and if all this blows up in my face then so be it because I am not in a position to think rationally”, and just like that she put out the furnace. At that moment although I already knew that I loved her, I felt a love more profound than I could possibly express. Thank God for girlfriends, thank God for people who can tell us what to do when we are not in a position to make rational decisions for ourselves.
I had the most interesting morning today. I was perfectly punctual but the mat I took decided in all their wisdom to use a different route so I wound up taking a jav and when I got off the school van wasn’t there so I had to take a motorbike which is all well and good because I like a motorbike ride as much as the next person but today just wasn’t that day, there I was in my super tight pencil skirt thinking about how to get onto the bike without flashing the whole world so I was like you know what I am going to side saddle this bitch! Yap! So there I was doing the math in my head so finally I get on and off we go, lol everyone was starring. Lol, I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t the one at the back of that bike my jaw would be on the floor as well.
Lol I felt like such a lady I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that much of a lady before. Lol don’t get me wrong though it’s not that what I did was so great or profound or life changing, it just intrigued me that after twenty one years I can still surprise myself. Honestly it felt pretty good. I was plenty surprised and so impressed with my square self. Yeah I got off my bike and flipped my hair those ones of yeah I just did that!
I remember some time ago I came across a quote that read that when God wants you to grow, he makes you uncomfortable. Of course I was in agreement immediately but notice how when some quotes apply directly to your life you get all grouchy and pissed? Yes, that was me not too long ago. This last weekend actually.
I know that personal growth is a broad subject but given this is not an academic blog I will stick to my personal growth. I was talking with one of my girlfriends about an ex-boyfriend. You know, one of those exes that had you pretty much brainwashed? Yap one of those. Mine was tall dark and handsome, how did I yours look like? What made them seem so great at the time? I would love to know. Anyway so we got to talking and out of nowhere, she started saying that I still loved him and I was like, what? No, I don’t!!! If I loved him still I would be with him but I’m not because I don’t love him. But she kept on saying it over and over again and I was so mad but at the same time it planted doubt in my head and I can see your face scowling don’t worry this was a good thing.
It was a good thing because it made me think about it a lot, it made me think about him too and how it all went down. And aside from the amazing rolling in the hay sessions, ours was a pretty toxic relationship and the worst part was how perfect it looked from the outside and yet inside I was screaming at myself for being so foolish and stuck. I called him that night just because I didn’t have all the answers I needed to make a well-educated verdict because at that point it wasn’t really about what or how I felt because I knew how I felt already, I was done loving him a long time ago, so that really wasn’t an issue. So why did I feel like I still needed closure? Because I did of course. So that beautiful man and I had a chat and two minutes into the conversation I had my closure.
All, the questions I had were answered to satisfaction, he didn’t say anything bad or mean, but in that moment I remembered why I had to leave him, the same person that I would choose over and over again over pretty much everyone else and at that moment, I couldn’t think of choosing him over anyone. Funny how someone who made me feel so unhappy would be the key to my personal growth; life is a funny thing. That night, he delivered an intricate part of me to myself and I am so grateful my friend pushed me as she did that night. I am so glad I dated this person and that the relationship was a brilliant failure and I am grateful that he brought me to myself. I am grateful that I am in a position to watch myself grow and be grateful for it.
As I have said time and time again because I don’t know you guys on a personal level I can’t share your stories but you all have them, it’s my hope that you can take something from my story though. I know that when relationships crash and burn we often look at the aftermath with so much hate and anger and sometimes pain but after all that its good to find time to heal then go back to the crime scene and see what really happened, not just according to you, but according to both of you. I am learning to constantly reevaluate what I think I know, and therefore learning to have my eyes more open, figuratively speaking of course because sometimes complicated problems have simple solutions.
It’s funny, you know sometimes I marvel at the things that I have come to write about. Recently it’s been feeling like the people around me are having a hard time with stuff, all different stuff but struggling all the same and it really got me thinking about social support. First of all, I will say that being able to emotionally support the people I love, has been such a learning experience and it has really helped me grow.
Secondly, I know that when most of us are having a hard time, our first instinct is to crawl into our caves of safety and just regroup or worry and panic and for some of us fall into depression and I only know this because that’s exactly what I do. I don’t know how to ask for help until I feel like I am actually dying inside and that just shouldn’t be the case for anyone. Granted I didn’t have anyone who made me feel safe enough to just let go and be vulnerable but still, no one should let it ever get that bad. Ask for help, you’d be surprised how many people around you love you enough to drop everything and just be there for you.
Here is what brought this on…
I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends, she’s having an interesting time dealing with some pretty heavy stuff and as she opened up to me I remember thinking I am so glad I get to be here for her, I am so glad she doesn’t have to do this alone, I am so glad that I am strong enough to be someone’s rock. And I know, leave it to me to make someone’s story all about me but to get back to the point, it made me curious about social support and all that stuff.
First of all, what is social support?
Social support is the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network.
So what’s my point in all this? Social support is important and the easiest way to receive it is by giving it to the people around you who need it. I found that there is good evidence that social support plays one of the biggest roles in mental health as well as overall wellbeing. Also, that social support helps reduce feelings of isolation depression and anxiety and that individuals who experience social support are happier. Isn’t that great?
One of the things I love most about growing up is growing up. I mean the downside is realizing that at the end of the day no matter how many people you have in your life you are still all alone. Well, aside from that you get the most amazing gift, freedom. Freedom to think for yourself although most of us choose not to take advantage of this freedom it is there all the same. Freedom to go wherever we want whenever we want as long as it doesn’t interfere with your safety, and even if it does, you are free to risk it anyway.
I remember when I was younger, say about 18/19 everything superficial used to matter so much. How I look what this person thinks about this thing about me and that thing about me and now I couldn’t care less if I tried. So many things that used to matter just don’t matter anymore. It’s freeing. I know that most of us refuse to be free from this but as adults, we are free to do whatever we want including choosing not to be free.
I have and continue to learn more about myself and understand my thought process and all the things that have contributed to where I am now and how I came to have a certain perspective of things and the best part about all this is that it is helping me understand other people too. Understanding that most of the time how people react towards us has very little to do with us and everything to do with them. Understanding that I can choose to step out of the path created and enforced on me by my narrow-minded ideals imposed on me by people around me and the world around me. It really is a beautiful thing. It is truly freeing.
I remember the good old days thinking I couldn’t possibly date this guy what will my friends think, what will my family think? He isn’t cute enough or rich enough or this that or the other thing and now the only thing I think is does he excite my soul? Does he make me feel good? Then screw what everyone else thinks and feels about him. Seriously though this freedom is intoxicating, you should try it, I highly recommend it.
I know most people look at growing up as the enemy but I assure you it’s not all bad.
So now that I am vegan what are my protein options? I am so glad you asked. It was relatively easy for me to find out ways to supplement my diet because I work out a lot so I need a lot of protein to repair my muscles. This piece will be short and sweet. Here is what I found;
So you see, it’s not just grass. There are options but of course, as I have mentioned before it’s the accepting it that’s the problem. Once you accept your new reality everything else simply falls in place.