I wasn’t going to write because I didn’t think I had anything to say but really, I always have something to say it’s just that if I wrote down everything I had to say we would be here until the second coming. There is something I have been thinking about for a little while now I just couldn’t because I didn’t really know how to put it. I didn’t really know how to properly articulate myself but I think now I have the words to make an attempt at it if nothing else.
It’s about being different and I don’t mean being queer or gay or any of that other new age stuff I mean being extraordinary, i mean striving for excellence which is in no way to be confused with perfection. Being utterly and completely yourself; your best self in the midst of people wanting you to be mediocre. I go to school everyday because I’m a full-time student but you find that people want to go to class in their pajamas then give you shade for dressing like a respectable young adult. I know this may seem petty but what can I say, I’m petty sometimes😂. And yes this does bother me because if you want to be mediocre then why does it have to be a team thing be mediocre by yourself wear your pajamas to school and let the rest of us look like adults. The fact of the matter is that you’ll find that only 10% care about presentation and presentation starts with the way we look. I know instinct pushes us to go on the defensive and bring up that don’t judge a book by its cover nonsense but the fact is that before you approach someone, anyone, you first do a quick analysis about them based purely on how they look, go on, deny it, I dare you😂.
So you see there is a point to this. I’m on this little team called the winning team/the extraordinary team. The team that knows and understands that winning doesn’t just happen it takes a lot of things, a lot of little things that make you a winner on the daily. You have to always prime yourself. And the best way to prime yourself is looking like that person you want to be when you grow up. What does she dress in everyday? If you don’t practice being her/him you’ll never be that person. Practise/routine is what makes us who we are or who we aspire to be. A very wise man said that we are what we repeatedly do. If you attend class in your pajamas and flipflops guess what, that is in fact who you are. So if you are on the winning team, the extraordinary team you have no time for people who only aspire to be mediocre, let them talk. after all,.
Be your best self. Strive to do better everyday and give them something to talk about.
I missed the bus two days in a row. Who does that?! Seriously though what’s that about?! So anyway the first time I missed the bus this semester was Tuesday it wasn’t great I was late, the class was hard, the lec was mad, I mean it was a whole thing but in the midst of all that someone was very kind to me and they reminded me that it’s not always about me. Sometimes we get too self-involved we go around scowling and squawking like a bunch of adolescents and forget that it’s not all about us. That was a nice reminder but that’s not what today’s story is about.
Today’s story is about Wednesday. On Wednesdays I have an 11 am class so there I was leaving the house at 9:40 ish and turns out there was some marching by this group or the other feels like there is always someone protesting or Marching for some reason anyway I didn’t know about it so that literally stopped traffic I don’t mean cars crawling through traffic slowly I mean cars not moving even had people turning off their engines and everything. All in all it was a day for a miracle I just didn’t know it yet. My charger had been acting up big time and I really really needed a new one I thought to order one online then that would have extra charges you know shipping and what not but then I really needed one I didn’t know it at the time but thanks to all that marching I missed my bus and wound up going all the way into town buying my charger and only being 11 minutes late to my class. You could call this whatever you want but to me, it was a miracle. My Wednesday miracle.
I know of fear and of what it’s like to be afraid. I know to have lived with a man who would have slaughtered me and my family in our sleep. I know what it’s like to only be half asleep because how can one sleep soundly knowing that in just the next room is a maniac who loses his temper and has violent outbursts. I know what it’s like to jump every time you hear a knock on your door because you just don’t know what will happen when you say “come in” or worse still what will happen when you open it yourself.
I saw fear again today. I was on a bus on my way to school this morning and we got to the UoN bridge you know the one at chiromo and because the bus wasn’t full yet they stopped to pick up some passengers. There was one more space left, the one at the front, near the driver. One would think seating at the front is preferable because of the extra leg space all ye who have long legs say “AMEN”😂. So this woman, she looks into the bus, the back of it had no space the only space available was in the front, I quite literally observed as the hairs on her arms and legs jumped off her body as she shook her head to say ‘no I’m fine I’ll just wait for the next one’. But people are kind very kind. Someone offered to move to the front so that she could have a seat in the back. I saw a look in her eyes a look I knew all too well. A look that was a friend of mine for a long time. I sympathized. I wanted to tell her that I understand and it’s okay. This too shall pass. In time everything goes away.
Maybe it’s just me but I believe people think that the power in a relationship is with whoever loves less. How many of you agree with that statement by a show of hand?!
If you agree then a few things could be true. 1) you’ve been hurt and turned into an emotionally closed off person. 2) you are with the wrong person 3) you are too young to understand what a healthy relationship should feel like and/or 4) you don’t love yourself enough to love another person as they ought to be loved. Now I know that some of you are suffering from all four of these and for everybody else I want you to understand that this may still speak to some of your traits one time or another.
First, let’s get this out of the way, that statement is wrong. This is not what I think, this is what I know to be true. For those of you who don’t read the Bible I honestly almost feel sorry for you because the Bible gives us real examples of what pure love is; real love is the kind of love that comes from God. That is the love of which I speak. It looks like Abraham staying by his barren wife, It looks like Hosea staying by his harlot wife’s side, it looks like Jesus being crucified for the church. The very church that persecuted him to die. Now I’m not saying any of you should go around dying for people, I don’t approve or recommend that at all but all I’m saying is that emotional maturity and God’s guidance gives you true love.
No one will say to you that true love is easy but it’s not hard in the ways that we think. True love shouldn’t hurt all the time. Yes, you will need to stay by this person’s side and grow but when they tell you they love you, you should be able to believe it with all your heart and soul, there should be no doubts and if there are doubts then ask yourself why.
A lot of the time our gut feeling will tell us all there is to know because our souls know all because our souls are eternal and have been around for a long time so it knows and it is able to tell us a good thing from a bad thing. If someone you’re with is withholding affection to have the power in the relationship then friends listen to me if only this once, leave them. They want all the power right?! Then they’ll have even more power without you. Don’t play that game, that game where you’re always on the losing side because the other person is the one who makes all the rules and you find that everyday you’re playing a different sport and the odds are just never in your favor. You don’t have to live like that. Take some time out to love yourself and understand what that feels like, having unconditional love for yourself.That way, you will have a gauge for someone else loving you and when it doesn’t feel right, you’ll know before you get hurt. You don’t have to get hurt, you can choose a love that feels good more than it feels bad. The power is in all our hands. If someone doesn’t want to love you, you have the power to let them know that whatever they’re giving you simply isn’t good enough but more importantly, you have the power to walk away.
I woke up today and I felt like I was failing. It felt like everything I have been dreaming of and working towards was crushing right from under me. I’d had a restful night though so I went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee and some breakfast and the thoughts going through my mind were that I was failing and failing and maybe it was time I quit after all, what do I have to show for all my efforts really?! And even though there is some evidence of an attempt is it enough?!
And if I were to quit, it’s not like I can’t get a job, after all I’m a hard worker and a strategic thinker, I would thrive in corporate so I should quit right?! After all the benefits of being an employee far outweigh the benefits of being a struggling entrepreneur or being a freelancer right?! See that, that’s the quitting mentality leading me to my doom like a siren leading a sailor to his death. I see the allure of quitting. I see it all. I hear it too all around me and sometimes it’s louder than others and I have to ask myself, to quit or not to quit?! Why go on when the thought of quitting looks so much more appealing?!
I could work hard in school and after that seek employment like my classmates you know, except that’s not me. I will fail a thousand times before I give up on my dreams. I don’t have dreams of employment, I never have. But it’s hard and I’m having a hard time today, today I’m sad, today I’m having a hard time believing in myself and that’s okay because that’s part of the process. It would be so much easier throw my hands up and give up but then all those years will have been for nothing and in all honesty if it was easy, everyone would do it. Also I can’t afford it, it’s simply too costly for me, too much of myself has already gone into creating what I want, too much time, too many resources.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better, hopefully I’ll wake up and remember what all this is for, what all this pain is for, hopefully I’ll remember where I’m going.
Not only can you find happiness but you can also create it.
Thing with all humans is that all our lives we have been taught that happiness, our happiness will be brought to us by someone else. That means we can’t have our own, no no, it has to be brought by someone and if that someone never shows up?! Well I’m afraid you’ll just have to settle for being miserable, we apologize.
Does that sound good to you?! Well it doesn’t sound good to me either. As a matter of fact that thought alone is quite depressing. Thing I realised is that happiness doesn’t start from outside of you, starts from within. I know most of you think that you already know all this but I disagree. You think you do but you are still unhappy, why?! Because you are still waiting, go on deny it, I’ll even pretend to believe you. This is wiring we are talking about, you can’t rewire overnight. It’s like self improvement, it takes effort for some a little effort and for others a lot.
Happiness, what makes you happy if you were to live alone for the rest of your life so there was no one to bring happiness to you, what brings you joy?! Think about it I’ll wait. After all I have nowhere else to be but right here with you. I want to help you understand maybe so that I can understand it too. I recently learnt that I love the saxophone, it produces such beautiful music, soothsayer all my demons, helps calm my mind, brings me joy. I love writing, makes me feel like there is more than just me there is something else, someone else I can share with and that makes me happy and being outside after the sun has gone down ofcourse that brings me joy too so I take walks after dusk as often as possible. But there are things that bring you that same kind of joy and you need to find it and it there is nothing to find then create your joy, your happiness. It is really that simple. The first and most important step is that you get over this person who is supposed to bring you joy, happiness and unicorns then everything you’ve every wanted to feel of happiness will come to you and you won’t even have to beg.