“Keep in mind that in this day and age no one will write about you having the greatest relationship. They already did a couple of centuries ago about two morons who both wound up dead, remember that?”
I was having a discussion with my child the other day. Not my real child, my metaphorical child and she is just as brilliant as her metaphorical mom. She and I have been obsessively watching Grey’s Anatomy, well she recommended it to me and I fell in love hard with the show. From this very brilliant show is where our conversation started from. She quoted something that at the time made absolutely no sense to me because I just wasn’t in that space so I told her to explain it to me and when she did it was like multiple sirens went off in my head and vibrated throughout my entire body. It was just such an “aha” moment I had to pause and catch my breath before I ofcourse decided that it was brilliant and must go up on my blog immediately.
This is why it’s important we think about the friends we keep because they are the people who help us grow, but only when we choose people who are sharp, people who live to challenge us and the way we think anyway I digress. The quote that got both our attention was Meredith’s mother telling her that anyone can fall hopelessly in love but not everyone can make an outstanding, phenomenal surgeon. Every surgeon can’t be the best, you have to choose to be the best. It’s something you have to fight for, you have to work for, you have to sacrifice for; you have to earn it.
The reason why that caught my attention is that like Meredith some of us, if not most of us are so focused on finding love any kind of love really, it could be the short and sweet kind, it could be the kind that eats you whole and owns you until the day you die, either way, we are all looking for it and maybe it’s time we all had a reality check.
Love doesn’t pay the bills, it doesn’t keep the lights on or gas the car or keep the water in the taps running. And like Meredith’s mom said, anyone can fall in love, you just have to let yourself but there is passion in other things, it can be found if you really want to make something of yourself, there is more than one way to make your life count. This whole piece sounds like I put my friend’s brain and mine together and this is what we came up with and it comes off as a little sharp but I am okay with that, Sharp has always been my style. Keep in mind that in this day and age no one will write about you having the greatest relationship. They already did a couple of centuries ago about two morons who both wound up dead, remember that? That was enough.
There are so many things I want us to talk about, this is just the beginning. Some of you may agree and some of you may disagree and that’s fine. Most of life I have learned is subjective, not objective, value over fact so it’s okay to agree to disagree sometimes. Be that as it may, my point is simple. At the end of the day, you could chase this love until the day you die and find you were chasing the wind or you can focus on who you are and what you do and make sure that you give your all where it counts. You can’t find love, it finds you and if it never does just remember that love is overrated and even if it isn’t, keep saying it to yourself and someday you might actually believe it.
“Forgiveness is for you, it’s a gift to yourself…”
These may very well be the single most freeing set of words in the English language and I am not referring to the person who committed the offence, I am talking about the person who was wronged.
Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
Synonyms: pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve; More…
I think all our lives we are bred to believe that forgiveness is for the other person so what do we do? We hold on to it like it’s some kind of trophy that we have earned from being wronged by someone. We are raised to believe that if we forgive someone then they win and we lose. Or I’m I the only one who was taught this? I doubt that very much. We are all bred this is way and that’s why forgiving is such a chore, it is so out of our character as people because this is a lesson that is passed down from generation to generation therefore it is part of our culture and culture is nearly impossible to change.
This isn’t a cultural lesson I’m trying to show you how far back we have to go to learn a new lesson. The bible isn’t too detailed in terms of why we ought to do certain things. The Lord’s Prayer just says that we ought to forgive those who trespass against us. It doesn’t say why or how only that we should. And for Christians at least it gives us a place to start. That we should. Whether or not we understand everything else, God says we should so it’s worth a try, I’m I right?
I recently reconnected with an acquaintance I had a falling out with and he was like “you’re never going to forgive me are you?” And I told him that I had long forgiven him and that’s how I came to this piece. There is no shortage of forgiveness here, because understand this friends, “forgiveness is not for them, it’s for you.” It’s so that your heart isn’t heavy, it’s so that you can stop crying yourself to sleep, it’s so that you can be light enough to feel love again. Forgiveness is for you, it’s a gift to yourself despite everything they did, despite everything you let them do. So don’t hold on to it, it’s no good to you when you hoard it, only when you give it ,and give it freely will you truly appreciate it, will you truly reap the benefits.
“That’s the only way to win and that’s also why the winner’s circle is so small.”
Let’s talk about our dreams a little bit shall we? I have a conversation with myself the other day and I would share it with you except it would be TMI on so many levels and none of you would ever recover anyway it was about my dreams so that’s what we are going to talk about today.
Not necessarily mine but all of our dreams. It all started with me asking myself a very interesting question, “What happens after you’ve given it everything you’ve got and still failed?” at first I laughed because I was laughing at myself essentially, I think it’s healthy to laugh at yourself every now and then because we often do stupid things. But be that as it may who has an answer to my question? What happens after you’ve given something you are passionate about everything you have and still don’t get to where you wanted to be?
I don’t know about you but I think that’s an excellent question and after thinking about it for a little while the answer was quite clear to me. It wasn’t something I thought about for too long because I knew the answer right away I was just scared of saying it out loud because in all of us is a bit of mediocrity. The answer is simple. You give it more, you find a different angle a different approach a different way to get yours.
The moment I asked that the first thing that came to mind was when have you ever given something 100% and failed? Because things like that don’t just happen. Because the universe has a system, you give something everything you’ve got then you must get it. That’s just the way the universe works. Believe it or not. But for this article’s sake let just assume that this rare instance you gave it your all and it just wasn’t enough, if it is something you believe in then you never quit, you keep trying and trying again, that’s the only way to win. You may adjust your strategy as needed or advised but that goal remains the same. That’s the only way to win and that’s also why the winner’s circle is so small.
“What does living life as if you’ll never die mean for you?”
The second way to live a full and happy life is to live as if you’ll never die. You’ll notice that the two ways aren’t so very different and that’s the funny thing about life isn’t it?
What does living life as if you’ll never die mean for you?
For me, it means to treat everyone I encounter with kindness because life is a strange thing. Someone who needs you today will be the same person you need tomorrow. To treat everyone with the respect and dignity they deserve as a fellow human no matter where you are in the ranks of life. Understanding that life could change for you in an instant. Understanding that nothing is cast in stone.
It means spending time with my family because they make my life feel full and meaningful and worthwhile. Family is not overrated. It’s the only thing that lasts. It’s the only place you can seek refuge after being beaten up by life. It’s where you are accepted and loved just as you are; loud, obnoxious, opinionated… whatever it may be.
It means giving everything my best because I know that I have all the time in the world to fail even after I’ve given something 100% because I have time to pick up and try again and try again and again until I win. It means that I get to invest in all the things I care about first and foremost being the machine that makes sure I am able to do anything to begin with. That I get to take care of my body and love it with whole foods, proper hydration and meditation. It means understanding that the saying “eat drink and make merry for tomorrow we die” is only for pirates. You try that and you will end up fat, depressed and unemployed/poor. Understanding that you must live life with care because forever is a long time to suffer consequences. It’s a long time to waste behind bars, it’s a long time to spend in a coma, it’s a long time to spend hating yourself, it’s a long time to spend being mediocre.
It means that I will love my partner with everything I’ve got because we have an entire lifetime to love each other and travel and make babies and see the world and have private jokes and break up to make up. Understanding that in the beginning there was God and God was love and that will ever remain his greatest gift to us. The ability to love another who isn’t our kin with all our hearts. Understanding that loving another person is not a weakness, it’s a strength and trying to look all strong and distant is just you wasting your life. Understanding that forever is a long time to be alone. Is a long time to have girls keep away from you because you are too big a coward to give your heart to someone and vice versa.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she asked me what seemed to be a rhetorical question at that moment but turned out a little later on that she actual wanted an answer. She asked me why she was considering dating a “scrub” when there was a perfectly good guy who was pursuing her. I didn’t have an answer for her right away because there were so many things crossing my mind that I just didn’t know where to start.
Ofcourse eventually the words came to me and the first thing that came to mind that I should write about it because this is something I have struggled with before only that I deal with things on my own. We only date guys who are utterly useless for one reason, BAD SELF ESTEEM. That all it is. I know that we all categorise bad self-esteem differently but I have found from past experience that people only date people who put them down and hurt them when they themselves are already good at doing it to themselves; hurting themselves and putting themselves down.
The law of attraction works for everything we do and applies to every aspect of our lives whether we are paying attention or not. We can only attract who are. If you have low self-esteem you’ll attract more self-esteem issues. That’s when you find yourself dating a bum or someone who thinks you are fat or worthless or all those bad things that I clearly can think of right now. Funny thing is that we get good at masking bad self-esteem but deep down we know the truth and it will reveal itself in the things we say [it will reveal what you think] and the people we surround ourselves with [show me your friends and I will tell you your character].
Now that we have talked about the problem extensively let’s talk about the way forward. When you find yourself in a similar predicament here is what you do.
- You take time out to work on yourself and your self-esteem.
- You drop that bum like a hot pan and…
- You meditate on the amazing person that you are because you are amazing and no one can make you feel that way about yourself. Only you can do it and until you do, you will only date bums and scrubs and guess what? It will be all your fault!
“… because I understand that life is no rehearsal.”
There are two ways to live life. One way is as if today is your last day on earth and the other is as if you’ll live forever. That’s it I know there are some of you who get it, you don’t need to be told anything else so go forth and live your life. But for those of you who need me to explain, I got you too :).
First of all how strange is it that the secret to living a full and happy life are paradoxes?! Because as this piece revealed itself to me I was tickled by it. So as earlier stated one of the secrets to living a full and happy life is to live as if you are dying at midnight. What does that mean for you? What does that irk you to do? Is there something that has crossed you mind to the effect of, “those can’t be the last words I said to Dorothy or Toto or that person that you’re thinking about right now”. Or does it make you want more of something or someone?! Because for me it brings my family to surface, it brings my partner to the forefront it brings everything I do to my attention. What do I mean by all this?!
If I was dying at midnight I would spend as much time as I can with the baby, my baby sister I don’t spend nearly as much time with her as I ought to. I would let my mom know that she did a great job raising me and that I see everything she does for me and the baby. I would let my partner know that I love him and I appreciate the role he plays in my life and how well he tolerates my bullsh*t, with such grace that I’m in awe everyday. I would give everything I do today my all. I would give all my assignments 100%, I would give my classwork 100% I would give my workout 100% I would give the people I love 100% because I understand that there will be no second chance for me, I won’t have tomorrow to try again, I won’t have tomorrow to start working out, I won’t have tomorrow to explain myself or to forgive. So I’ll do it all today, I’ll forgive and let go of the things and people who’ve hurt me and love without condition because I understand that life is no rehearsal.
“…being fat shamed is being attacked for looking different so how can I not be defensive?”
So I was talking to one of my readers recently and he had just read through my “dear fat girl” pieces and he has something to say which I was only more than willing to hear. He said that I come off as defensive and the truth is that I am and will always be because being fat shamed is being attacked for looking different so how can I not be defensive?
As I have written before it happened to me when I was a child and it’s my elder sister who used to do it. Isn’t that the funniest thing? I was perfect everywhere else I went but in the house I was fat and made for feel badly for it.😂 It really doesn’t get any more ironic. So yes I am defensive as I’m sure are some other curvy girls. I can’t pretend to know about anyone else’s journey because it is different for everyone, but for me, every time I see her I remember and it’s not like I can cut her out of my life she is my family and she is not the same as she was. So yes, I will write and I will come off as defensive because I love this gorgeous body God gave me. He put so much thought into it and it works perfectly [which is so much more than so many people can say] and that is more than I could ask for. And this isn’t just for him, this is for anyone else who is curious. This should answer your question and if it doesn’t then write to me and ask, there is no shortage of answers, I assure you.
Being fat shamed is like going to war, the wounds heal just fine but the scars are there to stay, until the day you die. Some may do a good job of fading but never completely leave you, they become a part of who you are and so you have to wear them with pride because you fought and conquered, and won. Therefore you must own it, be defensive if you like, and talk about it as passionately as you are compelled to. Be whoever you want only remember that you can only continue to move forward and love your body and treat it with the kindness and respect it deserves, always.