Dear fat girl; with dating issues

…”your only prospects should be people who think curvy is beautiful.”

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Hoping you’ve managed to read my previous dear fat girl pieces, there are things that we have already discussed and agreed on. Let’s just go over some of them briefly, the basic one being that you are beautiful, just as you are now. Not after you’ve lost five pounds or after you start jogging or after that dress that fit you five years ago fits you again, NO. You are beautiful right now, as you read this, and the most powerful being in the universe says so. Okay then, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way lets talk about the other elephant in the fat girl’s room… dating!!!

Now I don’t really know how to go about this because God’s truth is that my body has never stopped me from dating so I guess at this point I’ll have to borrow from a gorgeous cousin of mine who I hope doesn’t mind because this could help someone else. I remember when I first met her, she was the timidest person I had ever met but as I got to talk to her, I realized that she is fun and warm and full of character; not to mention she is gorgeous and any guy anywhere would be lucky to get to know her. The problem is I don’t think she felt the same way about herself, which is why I insist that if you haven’t read the previous dear fat girl articles please go read them, you can find them in a category called living with curves.

Okay,  think that excerpt is enough for me to build off of. Okay first things first, you have to put yourself out there. So you want to date and you’ve been praying about it and asking the universe for help but do you really expect guys to fall from your roof? It’s raining men the song was just that, a song. If you want to meet people you have to go to where the people are. Go out, volunteer, get a hobby, grab drinks with friends and if you aren’t the kind of person to do outdoorsy things, no matter. There is this magical thing that exists these days called the internet. Online dating is growing at an increasing rate, create a profile in an online dating website of your choice and meet beautiful people like yourself.

Secondly, and this is probably the most important part, please understand that there is something called preference. Let me explain something, just the way some guys like girls with big asses or big boobs or no boobs at all, there will be guys who like big girls and guys who prefer skinny girls and you know what, that’s okay because the world needs balance. Just think about how the world would be if guys only ever dated curvy girls, what would the skinny girls do? So don’t go around taking things personally for no reason. Date a guy who likes your body besides, picture this, do you really want that guy who will date you but pressure you everyday to lose weight and who’ll call you fat and make you feel worthless? I think that this is a really big problem here, you are a curvy goddess and you need someone who will worship your curves. So what you dated one guy who preferred a size 2? That doesn’t speak for the entire male population which I sure is well over three billion.

Lastly, have a personality. No one is going to date someone without a personality unless they’re paying for your company in which case I can assure you they don’t care what you have to say about anything. Be nice, work on yourself, you are more than your curves, what else can anyone say about you? Are you smart, really fun to be around, really kind? What will anyone remember about you aside from your gorgeous curves?

Okay so lets recap, there are only three things to dating as a curvy goddess. Before it all, love and appreciate yourself, you are perfect just as you are now. Once you are in a steady loving and kind relationship with yourself, get yourself out of the house or consider online dating. Your prospects should be people who like curvy bodies and if they don’t, they are just not worth your time and lastly, work on yourself, your body is not who you are. What can people say about you? Funny thing is no one’s eulogy talks about their body… lol, jus remember that and happy dating my lovelies!!!

Instincts

“… They exist to help you, so let them.”

Lets talk about our guts people, and no I’m not referring to your beer bellies or your pooches, I’m talking about your gut feeling. We all have it and we all almost never use it. For those who don’t know to what I am referring, lets have a brief description as to what that is.

“Your body is a powerful intuitive communicator,” she explains in Second Sight. “Intuition allows you to get the first warning signs when anything is off in your body so that you can address it. If you have a gut feeling about your body — that something is toxic, weak or ‘off’ — listen to it.

in·stinct
noun
plural noun: instincts
/ˈinstiNG(k)t/
  • a natural propensity or skill of a specified kind.
  • the fact or quality of possessing innate behaviour patterns.

Okay  now I think we are all on the same page and if we aren’t then I hope that by the time we re getting to the end of this very short piece we’ll all be together. I wanted us to talk about our gut feeling and our instincts because all of life is based off making decisions. Every minute of every day we are constantly making decisions. Right this minute I’m deciding to write a post for my blog as opposed to sleeping or watching Netflix, but these are not the choices we hall be discussing today. Although don’t get me wrong these small choices are also equally important and we shall discuss them some other time.

I had to write about this because looking back at my failed romantic relationships I can clearly see a pattern. Somewhere along the way between me meeting someone new and agreeing to go out with them there was a voice saying no, or saying that there was something wrong with the picture. I felt it, and each time I ignored it and alas here is where I am now. Granted from all that failure you get an entertaining piece but it shouldn’t have to be that way. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fine that it happened to me but the same doesn’t have to happen to you. We don’t always have to learn from hurt and pain and failure. Sometimes we can choose to learn from keen observation and from choosing to listen to that internal, innate sixth sense that knows the right path for us.

Easier said than done, I know. But if I could just explain to you why we have such a hard time listening to ourselves, then perhaps we can begin to change. I realised when it comes to some things I don’t trust myself, mostly because of the list ten miles long of failure that I hold against myself, but also because I don’t take time to deliberately listen to what my instincts have to say about certain things in this case my relationships. I don’t think I’m the only one though, I think we have all been afflicted with the tendency to doubt ourselves at every turn, we expose ourselves everyday to songs and movies and series and magazines and the people we follow on social media who exist to tell you that you are not enough and therefore you simply can’t be making the right choices in life about anything. We wind up with so many voices in our minds that when that still small voice tells you something, there are already too many other voices in your head to hear your inatincts attempt to save you.

So, what now!? Good, I’m glad you asked that :). First, listen to yourself. How?! Start by meditating, just ten minutes a day everyday. Meditate on being enough, meditate on trusting yourself. You can gradually add that time and enjoy the benefits of being the only voice in your head. Second, pay attention to what you watch and listen to. Remember, if you change what you hear, you’ll change what you say and if you change what you see, you’ll change how you think. This applies to almost all the internal problems we are suffering today and the worst part is, they are all self inflicted. At the end of the day, your instincts always know the path you should follow, they exist to help you, so let them.

Working hard or hardly working

“No one is remembered for being mediocre…”

Given I just wrote a piece about pushing ourselves too hard, this will look contradictory and maybe even a little confusing so I guess the first thing I should say is that there are no sides. And should there be sides, the only side we should all want to be on is the winning side. This side entails a version of you that is hard working, a version of you that gives their all the first time around, a version of you that finds joy and purpose in taking initiative and going that extra mile. Alright then I think now we are all on the same page.

Last semester I was taking a class called BUS 2020. In said class there was this smug little girl that I just so happened to be come across and truth is I didn’t like her at all. Thing is, it wasn’t that there was something wrong with her, no, definitely not, she just was better, and it challenged me. Well it challenged the version of me that I was then. The version I believe we all have at some point in time. The version that wants to push themselves but isn’t actually doing the pushing. I mean in our defense sometimes you just aren’t ready, and if you push before you are ready then chances of you hurting yourself or slipping right back to old habits are 100% so sometimes it’s best to wait. But what happens when you are ready, everything is in place,  the universe is just waiting for you to pull the trigger but you are gun shy?! This is what I want us to talk about.

Pushing ourselves is the most important thing in life. Pushing ourselves is how we grow. From the time we are babies, we are pushed to sleep in our own beds,  then we are pushed to use toilets as opposed to peeing and doing number twos in diapers forever, we are then pushed to go to kindergarten and then after that we begin to push ourselves to be the best in our class, to improve our grades, to be the best in a sport we like, to make our parents proud of us and then we, the ambitious versions of ourselves for one reason or the other encounter someone or something that is fashioned to be a test and if we are not strong enough, focused enough or grounded enough guess what happens?! They knock us off course.

Now at this point in time I can only speak for myself but I know that this story is relatable because we are all ambitious and ambition like all other good traits is a muscle, the more you recruit it, the more defined it is, the more you can use it and the stronger it gets. Somewhere along the way, someone distracted you, someone got to you and changed you from that person who always, always gets things done, to the person who sometimes gets things done and some other times only has excuses to show for their efforts. We have to save ourselves and most of the time God will give you a life line. Mine was that smug little girl in my BUS 2020 class. She challenged me to remember who I was and therefore to remember who I am. I am not excuses and undelivered work, I make it happen come hell or high water. No one is remembered for mediocrity friends, and effort is rewarded, always and forever, it might not be in the way that you think or imagine but it is rewarded. So push yourself, a little harder everyday. To what destination you might ask; The destination, is your best self.

Dear fat girl: Struggling with insecurities. Part II

He says I am perfect,.. That’s his ETERNAL stand on the matter…

If you are reading this now then hopefully you have read through part one and you came to the conclusion that God is too great to dwell in a temple that is anything less than worthy. You are beautiful, you are perfect.

I know you might not believe me, but if I could only convince you to listen to one thing, it would be this, it’s a daily struggle, even the biggest names in plus size modelling have their bad days. The key is to have a strong foundation. Mine, is God, I remember that God, the only person who actually has a say in the matter says that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. That’s his ETERNAL stand on the matter and that whether or not I choose to believe it is my business. He says I am perfect, what more can he do for me? What more can he do for you? He says you are beautifully made, he says you are his best work and yet you still doubt him. You see, even he can’t pull you out of this one, he has already done the lions share by making you perfect and writing in down in holy scripture to remind you always that you are so.

So now what? Now you tell yourself, you look at yourself in the mirror and say it to yourself, ten times, ten thousand times, as many times as you need to, until you believe it. I know it sounds silly but trust me it works. But it’s not enough to say it, you have to behave like you love your body too. Wear clothes that make you feel good. In the words of a great character from ‘Mindy Project’ “you are a woman, so look like a woman” . All those beautiful curves on our body, don’t hide them in a sac, embrace them, celebrate them everyday, look like the plus size goddess you are, after all you are entitled to it.

Finally, in the words of one of my absolute favourite youtuber, (I’ll leave a link to my favourite video of hers at the bottom of this piece) “If you change what you see, you’ll change how you think and if you change what you hear, then you’ll change what you say”. Think about it, meditate on it. Let those words echo in your mind and you will see just how true they ring. They are so true that nothing more need be added. You may be curvy, skinny, tall, short or anything in between (given you are struggling to love your body this is for you), embrace that, follow people who look like you, so that you stop feeling like some type of freak. See fabulous plus size women who know how to rock their curves and be inspired. This is how you come to love your body. And lastly exercise, a little exercise goes a long long way, your body needs it, and trust me your body will thank you. (I know that this piece has a little bias towards my curvy divas but sadly that is where my heart is, but all in all I am for self love, no matter what size you are.)

If you need a little help getting started I have listed a couple of plus size women who absolutely know how to rock their curves. Of course they will be in order of preference :). trendycurvy, plussizebarbiiee, naturallyfashionable, kellyaugastineb and essiegolden. These women will change your life. These are their Instagram handles I honestly hope that sharing this is not illegal, lol.

The attraction conundrum

Even kids get tired of their cutest toys.

“My body is very attracted to your body but when you speak my brain gets mad.”_ Mindy Lahiri

Ladies and gentlemen, we might not see eye to eye on much but on this we should at least agree… Well most of us will agree.

This semester is coming to a close and I thank God for that, I am so ready for spring semester to be over. So in one of my classes there was this very fine specimen, about 6’2 tall, dark and delicious to say the very least and I found myself extremely attracted to him so I sent a message to the universe and I was like, “I want to be in the same group with this fine human being”, and because the universe always delivers, I was. This friends was where the story began.

After two weeks of being in the same group with him I was over the attraction, finally he began to look a lot like a regular human being and I was able to focus on him, as a person. You know check for other things, ambition, brains, wit, charm but lo and behold friends it was like plunging off a cliff and landing flat on my face. Mindy put it so beautifully, my body is very attracted to your body but when you speak my brain gets mad. But in all honesty it’s not his fault girls probably worship the ground he walks on so he figured it’s enough. But please, for my readers at least, please note that even Beyonce, fabulous as she is, is a savvy business woman and Idris Elba went to college. These people put effort into their personas. Being cute is great, I’m all for it but even kids get bored of their cutest toys, the same applies even as we grow up. We want someone attractive as well as smart and well rounded.

Dear fat girl: Struggling with insecurities. Part I

“So that you may one day look at your body and say that it is good, just as God said after he created everything.”

I almost don’t know what to say. This used to be the story of my life. Maybe a year ago I wouldn’t have been able to write this, I wouldn’t even think of it; but look at me now😏.

Coming from someone who has been plus size all her life let me just say that I get it, I totally do. I went over whether of not to write this piece over and over in my head, I have been thinking about this for months now, hesitant to write this because it’s just so soul bearing and exposing, but the truth is that someone out there needs it. Sometimes God talks to us and he pushes us to do things. I think he has been pushing me to write this piece since the year started. So finally here I am ladies, so that you may some day look at your body and say that it is good, just as God did after he created everything.

So where do we start, stretchmarks, cellulite, tummy line, dimply butts or my all time favourite, saggy boobs? I know right? How dare I speak of such things? That God may smite me with lightening! Lol. Things that would make anyone blush, but someone is struggling with all this just as I was not too long ago and so someone has to do something. For the longest time all I could do was take my body apart. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I thought about was all the things that were wrong on my body. I know that I’m not the only one who is guilty of this (and shame on all of u for this), I think we all have done this at some point and if you haven’t then good for you, you know, this piece isn’t for you and that’s okay.

It seems so impersonal for me to try and talk to someone else about this because I have only talked to myself about this, so I’ll just talk to you all the way I have been talking to myself all these years. The first step is being grateful. I know it is easier to hate, hate is easier than love but love is more fulfilling and endures forever. It takes more work but that’s what we are going to be doing today. So your body isn’t perfect, let me be the first to tell you that it’s okay. It doesn’t make you the ugly ducking if you don’t have the perkiest boobs, at least you have boobs. Lets look at a scenario here for a moment, if a doctor walked up to you right now and told you that you have breast cancer and that they would have to cut off both your breasts, how would that make you feel? Would you be relieved that your big saggy boobs or small saggy boobs are being relieved from you or would you be sad that God blessed you with a body part that you spent your post adolescent life hating and now you wont have it anymore? I don’t know about you but I would be so sad, I would never stop crying, I’m even tearing up as I write this because thinking of my boobs not being on my body, I couldn’t fathom it, my heart would never stop breaking.

Point being that there is someone somewhere who would die to have boobs, any boobs. Big, small, saggy, it wouldn’t make a lick of difference to them, just that they would be so lucky as to have them. Therefore love your boobs, look at them with love and kindness and thank God for one day they will help you feed your beautiful baby who won’t care about your boobs being big or small, saggy or perky. To your baby you’ll just be mom, perfect in every way and also an awesome portable source of food, and if you have big boobs first of all, Big boobs high five because I’m also packing some sizeable knockers, anywho, if you have large boobs then its obvious they will sag a little, they are heavy. I mean it’s just common sense, heavy will tag on anything and please if you should ever come across someone who doesn’t get that, first of all they are stupid so please don’t feel bad, they are not worth your time, what they need is to go back to primary school and learn some very basic science.

Your body is amazing. Every inch of you, even the parts with stretch marks and cellulite. Personally I think everyone has stretchmarks, unless they have never grown in their lives, which… I won’t even go into. I’m not here to explain to you why your body has stretchmarks. This is not a piece to justify your body, no, this is a piece to love your body, warts and all. You are perfect just as you are, just as you are NOW, and if there is something you want to improve you go ahead and do that but don’t do it out of hate, that will only blow up in your face. Love yourself and take care of your body. It is the only one you will ever have. If you are christian, your body is simply the temple of God and would God dwell in a place that is anything less than perfect? Ask yourself that, ask it a thousand times if you have to. Would God, the almighty king of kings dwell is a temple that is anything short of perfect?

Fear of failure

“You can tell those voices to shut up or to go bother someone else😒. “

Over achievers unite!

Let’s talk about pressure, let’s talk about stress let’s talk about wanting to be the best. Sadly this will be one of my shorter pieces because at the end of the day there is only so much that can be said about these three things. Perhaps I might have more than a paragraph if I was to tell you guys a story. Don’t make that face, it will be brief, promise.

So I have my finals this week and I have been so stressed about it. School means everything to me, I am a scholar,  academic excellence is how I validate myself. That’s what I put on my worth scale. We all have that thing, for some of you it’s your work, for some of you it’s your business and for some of you it’s your bodies, if your body isn’t right then you feel completely worthless, although this kind of thinking is not healthy it’s okay, because we all have those and that’s okay. So back to my finals. I had this last week to study for them but for some reason I couldn’t get out of my head long enough to focus or to at least read a chapter. It just wasn’t happening and this is why.

Campus isn’t like high school, you don’t sit an exam then have them published so that you can compare yourself to other students; therefore there is only one thing you can compare yourself to and that’s the total score. If the highest is 100 then that’s what I want. It’s that simple. But somehow in the midst of us making ambitious plans, things like production theory and market structures happen and piss on all your plans of getting an A; But such is life. I did a cat the week before last and it was purely on production theory and ofcourse  I didn’t do as well as expected and it totally discouraged me. But then there are two ways to look at such things. Did it discourage me or did it simply challenge me?! It challenged me. That’s correct. It challenged my scholarly nature, it asked me if I really want that A or I’m I just going around saying I do?! Then I realised that it’s not about the A, not for me anyway, what I want is to know, I want to understand what production theory is and all the small parts that make up the entirety that is the market structure, so on Sunday night I had a conversation with myself. “So what if I fail?! If the absolute worst thing that could happen to me is I walk into the classroom and not know a single thing on the paper then I’d just retake the course. And that if I could answer a whole question, then I was fine, that everything would be okay. And just like that, on Sunday night, I slept like a baby:).

All this pressure and wanting to achieve the world is great. Ambition is good and very very attractive in any individual but make sure you are shooting for  the right thing. The moment I switched my focus from wanting to learn and know things to it being all about the marks, I drowned. The worst pressure comes from within us because in us is where all the demons that haunt us are. In us is all the voices that tell us we are not good enough, we are not trying hard enough we are worthless, meaning it’s our job, it’s your job and mine to tell those voices to shut up or to go bother someone else because you are doing your best and you are worth everything and you should be proud of yourself for what you’ve achieved.

That’s how to deal with stress and fear of failure. Trust me, this is more effective than all the therapy in the world. Most of the time, the simple answer is the correct one.