Grace.

…He gave me the grace I needed to deal with all of this…

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“God give me grace”, I whispered in the middle of my sobbing.

I have a story  time time for you today. Honestly listening to Adele’s songs can really take one to a dark place, but an honest place all the same. So there I was listening to Adele minding my own business and what happens? It occurs to me that the farther apart my ex and I are the more I Love him. No No not the romantic kind of love. Had it been the romantic kind I wouldn’t be able to write this. I’m a long way from that place where I still want him and all that RomCom nonsense. But I wont lie, it was hard. I loved him and it was real but he fucked it all up and that’s okay because it happens. people break up all the time, we weren’t special and a monument wont be put up in honour of our parting ways.

Anyway I digress. So here I am listening to Adele and suddenly it occurred to me that after the break up it took me a minute to process because I still loved him and it hurt. It didn’t matter that I had already cried about it or that I had already had the difficult conversations with myself. I just couldn’t process it all and in that moment of sadness and pain, I decided to pray. I needed help. Not from a girlfriend or from my mom, I needed calm inside, I needed to be able to close my eyes and not see his face, I needed to able to sleep. I needed God and so I prayed and after some time, I was finally able to sleep. Somehow the healing process just was under way I wasn’t thinking about it, I wasn’t thinking about him incessantly [I was no longer being consumed by thoughts him] and somehow I healed. Without even knowing it, I just woke up one day and it didn’t hurt any more.

All this to say that God gave me grace, he gave me the grace that I needed to deal with all of this, first things first let’s define this word, that way everyone understands what I’m talking about.

Grace: (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favour of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

I suppose to some it’s not worth dancing around the fire for but on realising it I simply had to share. Sometimes it helps to know that someone else has been where you’ve been. Sometimes it helps to know someone else’s pain to feel better about yours and sometimes it just helps to know someones pain because it makes them more human in your eyes, it helps you know them better, it helps you begin the process of understanding them.

This meant something to me, meant a lot actually. Anything that helps me grow is worth something. I hope you get something from this, hopefully, GRACE 🙂

Dear fat girl; Emotional demons

I couldn’t let her be right about me, I had to fix it.

… will only win when we let them. The other day, and by the other day I mean last night I was preparing to workout and so I was put on my workout clothes and I started playing the workout routine that I follow which is by Billy Blanks [I love that guy so much!!!] and somehow in the midst of all that the devil intervened. I mean in truth it probably was my insecure self but for now lets call it the devil. So the devil intervened and he told me to measure myself, as in using a tape measure to measure my waist and my hips and arms and all that.

I think it’s safe to say that it was by far the worst idea I have ever had [and i have had some pretty bad idea in my day]. Seriously though, that was just downright stupid because I measured my waist and I was like what the actual fuck. Lol all those nights of kicking my ass and this is all I have to show for it? Fuck this!!! I am not in the mood to workout any more. Like I said this was the devil. so I took off my workout clothes and I went and took a shower and while I was in the shower it occurred to me… that’s like when someone tells you that you can’t do something and then having you actually believe them. Yes, that would make you doubly stupid. That was me last night. So I went to bed thinking about it and I woke up thinking about it and I went to a wedding today thinking about it and seated next to me was the origin of this weak voice. My sister, if any of you were following my other blog then you know that I have a sister who fat shamed me when we were kids but its cool now she’s had kids and all that so she’s fat now.

PS karma will always get you.[but for the record things between us are fine now.]

Anyway seating next to her really gave me a reality check. I couldn’t let her be right about me. I decided that pouting like a five year old simply wasn’t going to cut it. I will fix this. I will do more to get my waist in check. I will reduce the sugar and keep up the hydration cause I’m up to two litres of water a day and I will just make the necessary changes to make sure that the moment I had with that tape measure was a one time thing.

Lesson of the day: this is how we deal with our demons.We pout a little then we come up with a plan, stick to that plan and tell those demons to go fuck themselves.

Rantings of a college student

“… Maybe I care too much,but someone has to.”

I was in school yesterday and I was seated at the student centre. There is this really chill quiet spot with gazebos where you can just hide out and study when someone I was in the same class with last semester walked up to where I was seated. You know how it is, chit chat a bit but I was on the clock because I had a c.a.t that same afternoon I didn’t have time to talk about garbage I didn’t really care about.

So last semester there were some irregularities with the grading system and some of the students, myself included had been assigned the wrong grade and so I had to email back and forth with the lecturer to have it all sorted out and for the record it did get sorted out. Anyway I remember how worried I was having been assigned a B when what I had was just a 0.1 shy of an A- and i could barely sleep and here I was seated with some girls who didn’t even know what grade they had. Honestly I was disappointed, disgusted even. Like what are you doing in school!? You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to be. So I had the changed results on my phone and one of the girls asked to see since the topic had already come up and cause she asked, I thought well at least she cares a little I could try be sympathetic this once. Two seconds later the other one came and honestly I don’t even remember what she said, all I remember was that it had to do with the email with the results.

All I could think was “I have a c.a.t in 10 minutes and instead of going through my notes I’m stuck here with two people who could care less about their grades”. I knew that if I stayed there one minute longer God knows I would have lost my mind. I had to go. Ignorance is the most unattractive thing and when it’s coming from a woman, I can’t help but be disgusted because already we have to try so hard to be taken seriously yet here is this one who isn’t even trying. Well maybe I care too much. Sure let’s say that but truth is, someone has to. I have to go… Typing this is making me sad and angry and i have and English class with a lecturer who I can just barely stand.