HOW CONFLICT CAN BE A GOOD THING

So a while back I wrote an article on conflict and resolution and I promised that I would write about how conflict can, in fact, be a good thing. I know that there is prevailing bullshit that happy couples don’t fight but rest assured that even the happiest couples have conflicting opinions once in a while and it is needed, it is necessary, it is healthy. Conflicting means that the two of you have conflicting opinions once in a while and that’s okay, that’s totally okay, it doesn’t mean anything other than in that one instance you guys have different opinions. So in that same breath, I will have to explain why I think conflict can be good for a couple.

  • Conflict inspires growth. How though? I am so glad you asked. When a couple has a fight over pretty much anything, and they are able to solve the dispute amicably then you and your partner have to grow. And what is growth in this instance? Progress, from one point to another and isn’t that the point? To be able to move forward.
  • Conflict also inspires relationship Satisfaction. You are able to fight over the things that make you unhappy and find a way to make them not as annoying or as irritating to you. Fighting or voicing your grievances allows you to let your partner know exactly what you want, exactly what they can do to make you happy or happier, it’s important, see my point?
  • What is a relationship without boundaries? Boundaries are needed they practically deserve their own star on the walk of fame. Boundaries only come through conflict and if you never fight then how will the other person know what they can and can’t do, how will they know where the line is? This is important. It’s very very important.
  • Conflict Reveals motive. You will never be able to tell what a person is really about or after if you never disagree on anything. Conflict reveals motive, because if he or she is about you, then a fight won’t chase them away, they will stay and you guys will work it out but if they are out to waste your time then the fight will be completely unproductive.
  • Conflict inspires Self-disclosure, you find yourself explaining why something pisses you off so much and your partner gets to know you better. Some of the time you find that the thing that pisses you off, pisses you off cause of something so much deeper than you thought and it turns out to be a bonding moment instead of a bashing moment for you and your partner.
  • Conflict inspires self-disclosure which in turn inspires Intimacy. Talking about the real reason behind things, revealing things that are deeper than the surface will bring you and your partner closer together. He will understand you better, or she will understand you better and because you were open and vulnerable with them they feel closer to you which is how people get intimate. This I how people become friends, more of it will make you best friends, now you know how that goes.

Okay, so what have we learned here? Conflict isn’t the red, large horned, long-tailed devil it is made out to be. Conflict is good conflict is necessary. Conflict allows us to grow in our relationships, it allows us to self-disclose, it allows us to set boundaries and it reveals the other person’s motives but above all, it gets us closer together it makes us get intimate, now who doesn’t want that? I know I do!

 

I hope you learned something here today, I hope you hit that like button big time and share this with your friends. Bisou bisou💋💋💋.

 

Advertisements

OLDER GUYS VS MATURE GUYS

Image result for age vs maturity

The battle for the ages for some girls, for most girls I would say. This is something I have been battling for quite some time now. For the longest time I have wanted to date and eventually marry an older guy, and when I say older I don’t mean three or four year difference more like seven to ten years difference. For the longest time, it was something I was obsessed over. My Nana and granddad have nine years between them and I love that because my granddad was always ahead, so when it comes to his leadership role in the house it just went without saying, his ideas were more diplomatic and he was always way more reasonable than my Nana. And of course, I wanted that for myself.

What I didn’t know is that just because that’s how it turned out for my Nana doesn’t mean that it’s how it will turn out for me. I have tried to date a bunch of older guys. Some of them were great! Absolutely amazing but it didn’t work out because of various reasons but the other half was an absolute menace. It was like a trip to the Zoo; it was a bunch of miscreants who turned out to be a waste of my time and energy. Although I don’t regret any of them because they were an invaluable lesson for me, I mean was it not for them I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

I decided to write this piece when  I saw a video on YouTube about it, a lady was talking about how much she like older men, and it just got me thinking about the experience I have had with them. Now look if you are dating an older guy and he is just right for you, this is not an attack, all I’m trying to say is that not all guys that are older than you are necessarily more mature than you. As a matter of fact, the guy I dumped on 31st was a very very good example of a boy trapped in a man’s body. That was just sad_ broke my heart, not really… but it did sadden me that some girl will be impressed by him… “Sigh”.

I think that we have the two mixed up and it is time for a distinction. Older guys need to stop walking around with a title they don’t deserve. The title ‘Mature’ must be earned, we don’t just hand them out like sandwiches at a picnic. What is a mature guy? Or maybe it should be what makes a mature guy? Let’s go over a few things real quick; Does he walk out on a disagreement?

He’s not scared to have a real conversation, like what happened between him and his Ex? Does he have any baggage from previous relationships? What is he looking for in his next relationship? What kind of a relationship does he have with his parents? Would he walk out on a girl he got pregnant?… and so on… All I’m saying is that a mature man should be able to stomach a real conversation, relationships aren’t just about small talk and PDA; shit gets real!!!

Can you talk about something other than your favorite food and hobbies? Can you talk about Art or Architecture or Music or Politics? He has to be passionate about something aside from MAN U. Does he call if he is running late? Does he ask you out in person?

Does he look surprised that you have cellulite and stretch marks or love handles or a tummy or scars from accidents or chicken pox; because a guy that has a stupid look on his face at the site of a slight imperfection is just stupid and is a child. He has no business dating a woman. Can he follow simple instructions? Does he know what to bring when he comes to see you at your mom’s house? Or does he come empty-handed looking like a complete moron? Does he always pick up the bill? When you’re going out with a guy for a meal, any guy you should never ever have to reach out for your purse cause [1] You look stupid and [2] It is his job as a man, and if he doesn’t he is a boy and you should not be with him in the first place.

Image result for age vs maturity

In conclusion older doesn’t necessarily mean mature, you could have a 14 year, 27 year old in your hands, what the fudge do you do with that? Ask yourself the questions I have listed above, they are few but effective. It’s entirely up to you to come up with more. You must vet these men, don’t end up with a loser by choice, you have the option to have the best or well better than your average 28-year-old teenager.

 

Thanks for dropping by, please like and share❤❤❤.

 

THE OPPOSITE SEX BESTFRIEND

In all honesty, I can’t say that I have an experience with this. But I must say; from the little drama, I have seen I thank God that I haven’t had to deal with this. I only say this because I know that this is a real issue!!!

One of the main reasons why I love my cousins so much is that [1] They are guys so I get a lot of the male perspective on a lot of things and that [2] They are all straight, so they can actually be of help to my blog. Anyway, the reason why I brought this up is because thanks to one of my cousins who I don’t know whether to accredit or not this month we get to talk about this and Fellatio[blow jobs] so stay tuned for that.

He said that there was this girl he liked but he can’t date her because she has a male best friend. At the time I thought he was being narcissistic. But after a while, I got to think about it without him around and I was like well maybe he was onto to something. Mr. I’m so confident feeling insecure about this, there had to be something there. So let’s look at the best friend role with a magnification lens, shall we?

What is the role of a best friend? Well, let’s take a look at me and my best-friend. She is always there for me, she knows my entire family, even the in-laws that have married into it and the babies that have recently joined the family. My family adores her and consider her one of us. She has seen me on my good days and very very bad days, she has taken care of me when I was sick, she complements me even when I have put on a little weight, she has loved me through all my boyfriends, she knows what makes me mad and what makes me happy. But most importantly she always knows what to say. That’s what I love about her the most. Just following this short paragraph sounds like this best-friend and I should get married right?!

You see that’s the thing with best friends, they are people we are in love with each other. Yes, I said it, friends like these we are constantly falling in and out of love with each other and that’s what makes this such a tightrope. How many times have I wished for my BFF to just turn into a guy and we can just elope? I hope the problem is becoming clearer and clearer. But, regardless of all this, I wouldn’t ditch my BFF so that some nigga’s ego can feel good. Fudge him and his ego!!! But you must weigh the situation for yourself. Is this guy worth you creating boundaries between you and your best friend? Is your girl-friend worth you telling your best-friend to take a back seat? I won’t even lie, it is a slippery slope for all involved because if you create boundaries between you and your best-friend things will never be the same again. And please keep in mind that part of what makes you and your BFF so close is that there are no boundaries. All I’m saying is, it really comes down to this best-friend you have, are they worth it?

 

As for me, I love my BFF to death, she is worth my kidney, liver and everything else. I don’t care how often she and I talk. In my prayers, I remember to ask God that in another life one of us is a dude and the other a chic so we get married. She is that amazing and no guy can compete… But you know… It doesn’t hurt to try. 😉

 

 

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

The problem people is that we are corner cutters. That is the problem. No one wants to do things the right way anymore, no one cares about protocol or process.

See that doubtful look on your face… well allow me to remove that doubt, let’s look at a few examples, shall we? We want to lose weight without exercise, we want to know a Story instead of reading the book we wait for the movie, we want a happy marriage but we are all over the place fornicating and yet we ask for Gods favor in finding a husband or a wife. We want good grades but we don’t want to study, we would rather cheat instead, we want to take drugs but we aren’t ready for the consequences. We want to have bodies free from STIs yet we are first in line to have unprotected sex. We want to go up the professional ladders but instead of working for it we sleep with the boss, yet we say we want to be respected. You want to be treated like a lady but you make the word HOE look bad. All your pictures on social media are of you half naked, you want a marriage where your husband will be faithful but yet you’re sleeping and living off other people’s husbands. Well let me just tell you right now my dear he will cheat on you left, right and center even when you have that 30,000/-ksh weave on your head even if you are a size Beyoncé or whatever, he will cheat because everything goes full circle. You steal and wreck someone’s home but just you remember that when you’re 40 there will be a 20 year old somewhere who looks way better than you ever did at 20 who will set her eyes on your husband, and while I would love to go into the details of what would go down, I’m certain you can already play out the whole scene in your mind.

We have people all over the internet saying that we are being brainwashed, isn’t it time we stopped and listened? The best mind controllers are the ones who give you the illusion that you are still in control. The funny thing is that so many people don’t realize it, of course, they don’t. Without God’s discernment, how can you tell your right hand from the left one? [Easy internet trolls that was a metaphor].

How are we being brainwashed you ask? Mh, let’s look at that briefly shall we? Do you think it’s okay to have sex before marriage? Of course you do, and why is that? Well all the Kardashian do it and we see it all day in movies and on TV, and even on radio they tell us that if we do not succumb and have sex with our boyfriends they will cheat on us, and they will leave us, and you know… we won’t be cool and current or trendy. Do you think that it’s okay to take drugs? Of course you do, all celebrities do it right in front of us, and it looks like even their government is cool with it, so it’s obviously okay to put our bodies in harm’s way. Definitely okay for us to tattoo and pierce the temple of God, and fornicate in his temple and violate it in all other ways right? God must be so pleased by how we revel in the filth that Satan has laid before us. He must be so pleased that he sent us a plague called HIV, he was so pleased that there is now HPV, which by the way is not easily detectable in the blood. He is so pleased that he blessed us with cancer that causes our loved ones to live in unimaginable pain all the days of their lives. He is so pleased that global warming is consuming us, He is so pleased that we have floods that wash entire shore line’s away, He is so pleased that he sends us tsunamis and hurricanes, He is so pleased that he has left us at the mercy of Satan[who by the way came to cheat steal and destroy us].

We are either blind or incredibly stupid, or both, …yes most of us are both, we are told that there is no way that you can be happy if you don’t have a 6-figure salary, there is just no way that your husband can just love you and desire you and just stay with you, he needs a wife, a mistress, a girlfriend and a baby momma for his life to be complete. Isn’t that what they tell us, and don’t we eat that junk right off of the palms of their hands? They tell boys that it is okay to wear your trousers around your knees, no one cares for the waist anymore.

This is the truth, we are corner cutters and that is why we are so unhappy. Even when you make it in life, you die at 35; no time to enjoy what you’ve worked for. All that money you will have clawed your way up the ladder for, all that money that caused you to lose friends and get de touched from your relatives, all that money, if you wrote a will well good for you but otherwise, it will just be absorbed by the bank after a few years. So thank you for losing your soul in the name of Barclays or KCB or whatever. Are you feeling foolish yet?! If not give it a day or two. The thing with the truth is that you can’t hide from it. It will reveal itself to you, sooner or later and after all, at the end of the day a man will reap what he saws… what have you been planting?

 

Editor’s note: thanks to all my new readers you guys are getting to be so many… anyway I thank God for all of you.

 

 

ARE YOU FAT SHAMING YOURSELF?

Don’t you guys feel like this has been like the subject of discussion for like forever?

FAT SHAMING!!!

Yes, I said it. Okay first let’s get one thing out of the way, all my life I have been a size 12/14 and when I have really put on weight over the holidays I am a size 16. So basically what I am saying is that I have been plus-size my whole life so this is something that I do know about. So fat shaming for those of you who don’t know what fat shaming is, it’s when regular size people make fat people feel ashamed and basically not worthy of being alive because of being fat. Yeah, disgusting isn’t it? That someone can feel more of a human being than you are just because their jeans size reads one number and yours has two. It’s sad actually, it breaks my heart.

But see here is the thing people I have been plus size all my life and the only people who ever fat shamed me were members of my family mostly but the rest of the world just saw me as a chubby but super cute girl, that’s it. The only people who ever made me feel like I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough were my sisters actually. Anyway I worked right through that and I am a better person for it but from that heinous behaviour, a demon was born inside me, as I know demons were born inside some of you as well. it’s funny because they would complain when I lost too much weight and then when I got bigger it was an issue too so your like hat the fuck do you want from me?

So first of all if you can relate I will tell you something right now that shit had nothing to do with you. A lot of times people tend to reflect their insecurities onto other people and it won’t stop so when someone comes at you like that please remember to call them out on their bullshit. Please don’t buy into what they are selling because it has nothing to do with you. Remember that and also remember that being healthy and fit is a personal choice it’s not something you share with anybody else. Okay now that that is out of the way there is something else I have to talk about because it is one thing when other people are fat-shaming you but what if the person fat-shaming you is you?

The problem is that even after they stopped fat shaming me I continued to fat shame myself. I know it’s so sick and twisted but that is what happens these are the kinds of demons that are born from things like fat shaming. Even when I would work-out I would still look at myself in the mirror and take myself apart with a pair of tweezers for all the things that I thought was wrong with the reflection staring back at me. The point is that at some point there is no one fat-shaming you but yourself you know. I was in denial for a really long time until I just realized that everyone is okay with how I look the only one who isn’t okay with it is me. I know what they say “if you don’t like how you look either learn to like it or do something about it” and I am but you see one can’t work without the other.

You have to LOVE yourself inside and out, and yes part of loving yourself involves exercise!

 

Thanks for stopping by please like and share and come back again real soon❤❤❤!!!

TOXIC FRIENDS

 

Image result for toxic friendships

Okay can we just take a minute to talk about this? You know up till recently I wasn’t even aware that I was in fact in a toxic friendship, so let’s begin looking at this from the beginning so we can all tell whether or not we are or have ever encountered a toxic friendship. But before we do, it should go on the record that there is very little difference between a toxic friendship and a toxic relationship so the things we discover here are applicable to relationships as well. Also, I’m not a psychology major/expert/doctor so this won’t be discussed exhaustively but it will be discussed as extensively as I possibly can.

So what does toxic even mean?! It means poisonous and no I’m not even making this up. So that means that Toxic relationships and toxic friendships are in fact poisonous. They are poisonous to you, to your health, to your mental health, to your self-esteem. It’s like trying to cultivate on poisonous soil, nothing will ever grow. So already, in a nutshell, toxic friendships are bad they aren’t good for us we shouldn’t strive for that because we are worth more than just a poisonous friendship right?!

So what are some characteristics to watch out for in a friendship you suspect is toxic?!

Unilateral communication. Are you the one always reaching out? Do you feel like the friendship is one sided? Do you feel like you are trying too hard? Then it’s probably no the friendship for you. You need to take a step or ten back. Look at the bigger picture what is this you are trying so hard for? Is she worth it? Is the friendship worth the trouble? If so then you have your answer and if not then… you also have your answer.

Image result for toxic friendships

Hostility. Goodness you guys I could to you about this for days. Have you ever had someone who is so mean you have to be like “yo! Chill the fuck out!!!” yes my ex-friend could be so fucking mean so mean that I was at a loss for words which anyone that knows me would tell you is damn near impossible but sometimes she’d just be a grade a BITCH she was just going through so much I wasn’t really in a position to tell her but you know what, I don’t care what you’re going through, you don’t turn your gun fire on the people in your corner.

Selfish. It is always their show and it is always their turn. It is always their turn and their problems are always bigger than yours.

Negativity and feeling drained. Have you ever talked to someone then immediately after you feel a thousand tonnes heavier? Like their energy is so heavy it literally weighs you down? Or is it just a me thing? I guess I am pretty sensitive to people’s energy I guess I just wanted to be her friend so I ignored the thick poisonous cloud that is/was her energy. Toxic friendships are characterized by negativity, negative energy, and negative vibes. Damn, looking back I have no idea why I was trying *confused emoji*. She was so negative and I like positive vibes I give positive vibes. lol, I’m the kind of person that would try and find something positive out of even the most fucked up situation and that’s the kind of person we all need to be and we all need to befriend. Life is too short for negative vibes.

Guilt tripping. Dare you do the wrong thing, you will never hear the end of it. They are the kind of people who will never let anything go. They will hold things over your head until the second coming and hen demand forgiveness when they hurt you and give you ultimatums to coerce your forgiveness. Seriously, why do we befriend such people?*confused emoji*

Lack of trust. Is it possible to trust someone who is constantly mean? I don’t think so. No trust will develop and what is friendship without trust? It’s wasting time, that’s what it is.

Constant criticism. The last person who you need telling you you’re doing everything wrong is your friend. Friends are to support you and love you and care about you unconditionally unless you’re doing something that is harmful for your life. Then they have to say something but typically they don’t exist to criticise your every move.

Brings out the worst in you. Argh! She used to bring out the worst in me. You all know that misery Loves Company she would spread her negativity and her hostility and with time I started being hostile too and negative because no one is immune to overexposure to a toxic person, the poison will penetrate if you linger, remember that.

Unhappiness. Of course you’ll be unhappy in the friendship, there is nothing good that can grow out of poisonous soil. Nothing and if something does grows then be extremely weary of it. It’s probably more poisonous that the soil itself.

Image result for toxic friendships

So what’s the point of all this? How do I conclude?! Well by saying that no one deserves to be stuck or trapped in a negative/toxic friendship. We all deserve better. All of us. Keep an eye out for these signs and constantly weigh the friendship, constantly ask yourself what you’re gaining and what you’re losing. Is it worth it for you to stay?! Is the friendship so great that you can withstand the costs?! If so then you have your answer and if not then you know what to do. One thing that I can say with confidence is that I am so much happier now that she’s no longer in my life. That’s how bad it was. I am happier alone/with the friends that I’m currently keeping. I know that walking away is hard it’s not something that’s easy for anyone, even when you know that walking away is the best thing for you to do. So walk away if you have to. Save yourself and if they ask you can blame it on me. Life is too short to be trapped in a toxic friendship.

Image result for toxic friendships

 

RELATIONSHIPS 101

Do you know how not all of us are meant to be doctors? And not all of can be accountants? Well no all of us can be in relationships successfully. The sooner we realize that and accept it the better. I came across a video the other day, I don’t really remember the details but I remember that it really made me think about things, about relationship things specifically. She asked and I’ll ask you the same question. Why do you want to be in a relationship? What is it about it that you are craving? I’m not asking this hypothetically, I actually require you to write a list of all the things you crave, make it as long as you like just be honest about it. Be honest with yourself, then take another look at that list and make a plan, a plan to do all those things alone. Go on dates alone, get comfortable with your own company, enjoy spending time with yourself, sleeping alone, and find a way to make your bed not so lonely. Work around the “problems” you have created for yourself. Do fun things, write a bucket list and make those things happen, make it happen for yourself.

Why do you want a boyfriend or a girlfriend? What’s in it for them? You already know what’s in it for you, what’s in it for them? Who are you? Are you a good person or are they better off with someone else? No don’t look away, I’m trying to save your soul, deep down you know you’re wounded, so why date someone just to hurt them? Take some time out and let them heal. Write a list of all the thing you expect from your partner then as yourself if you can give your potential/future partner the one you want so desperately all the thing that you expect from them. If not then take a step or two or ten back and first work on yourself, make sure you already have all those things you desire then you can be in a position to expect them. Just remember that

Are you sure you are ready for a relationship or are you just out to waste your time and theirs? How much are you willing to change, to grow, to sacrifice, to compromise, and to mature? It’s not a game as most people like to think of it as. As a matter of fact, if you meet someone who thinks of it as such feel free to friendzone them for all eternity. Love is not a game. Love is complete and utter surrender. If you read your bible, in the letter to the Corinthians Paul tells them what love is. At no point in time did he say that love is a game. He also never said that love is an emotion. Love is a series of actions that someone chooses to do towards someone else. God loves us every single day and we can all attest to this, how? Because God is patient and God is kind and god doesn’t judge us or hold things over us, God is not quick to anger. And all the other things that make-up what love actually is. It is a lot of things, what it isn’t is a game.

Being in a relationship means you are willing to change for this person you want to be with. It means that you are in fact willing to go the distance for them and not scowling and squawking like an adolescent, by taking up this new relationship like an adult, like the man you keep calling yourself, being a man doesn’t come by beating your chest and making false claims, it comes by putting away your childishness and deciding that you want to be a better man, you want to be that man she sees you as. Because he makes you a better person. It’s not all about the man, maybe you are a little ratchet, maybe tone it down and be the respectable woman he sees you as. Let the relationship be a second act. An opportunity to show yourself and your partner who you are minus your shallow ego. The part of you that communes with God. Be that person, choose to be that person and if you can be that person, walk away. Don’t let it start.

Is he a potential husband? Is she a potential wife? If not, don’t do it! Don’t do that to yourself where you go in telling yourself that you can change them, that somehow you can make them want what you want. It never works, unless you are Jesus or God, you can only change yourself. We need to stop deluding ourselves, we do not have the power to change people only God can and that an okay thing just don’t hurt yourself making him a better man for some other woman. And don’t waste your time making an honest woman out of her for some other man. There are so many videos all over the internet, I mean most of them are repetitive but well on the up side it makes it easier to remember. I was going through them to get some content for you guys and they were oh so enlightening. It illuminated the fact that we court wrong. Yes, we court wrong. How can someone even do that?

Well, simply how we go about courtship now. What do we use that time to do? To go out on dates and take pictures for the ‘gram’ and then what? He asks you to be his girl and you’re so high off all the money he has spent on you, you say yes before actually looking at the situation for what it is. In all that time you didn’t think to ask him anything of relative importance. Questions like what drew him to you? Other than your looks cause obviously he had to have been attracted to you at some level to approach you but what else? Questions like when he means he is God fearing what does he actually mean? Does he go to church? How often and why? What’s his family like? Remember that when you marry him you marry his whole family too. Is he coming from a broken home? If yes has he talked to someone about it? Because yes he is wounded whether he admits it to you or not he is and he should talk to someone about it before pledging how he will love you forever and yet he is only half a man.

Ask the right questions. More questions. What are his short-term goals? What are his long-term goals? What does he know about you thus far? Can he answer the most basic questions about you like are you Christian? How often you go to church, what your favourite colour is how many children you are in your home and what your maiden name is? Basic stuff. Nothing rocket science there but is he able to do it? To answer your question that is? Can he? Or is he just wasting your time? I watched another video by Pastor R.C. Jake and he said that we have to ask questions, why? Because questions reveal MOTIVE. You will know he ain’t worth shit simply by how he answers questions. Something else you have to give a budding relationship is time. In this day and age when we all are all hot and bothered, ladies and gentlemen keep it in your pants. Give it time. Give it time so the true colours slowly start to come out. Give the masks time to fall off. Time reveals most things if not all things, so give it time and pay attention.  Don’t give it time then spend that time with your eyes closed, keep your eyes peeled wide open and ask to hang out with his friends, go to his church with him, it will answer so many questions for you. Talk about premarital sex. Is he for it or against it? And if he is for it and he calls himself a God fearing man, then already, you have a problem!

So what’s the conclusion for all this, relationships are a major undertaking and if you want to get hurt you go right ahead and do your thing but if you want to do it and do it right, then maybe get some guidance, get some support, seek council. But before all that stuff ask yourself one very important question, are you ready? Are you ready for the long haul, because if you are thinking short term then the answer is NO, you are in fact not ready! But if you are, you need some help. You need someone who will show you the difference between the wolf and the sheep. You can’t do it alone.

 

 

PS; You need Jesus, you need the discernment that can only come from God, that’s what you need and yes you can’t do it alone. Take it from someone who has already don’t the leg work. Thanks for stopping by please hit the like button and share❤❤❤.